The two big beauty contests on the planet are Miss Universe – where everybody openly hates America – and Miss World.

Miss World doesn’t hate America. Or if it does, at least it’s clever about it. For instance, just look at who won Miss World 2008 this weekend – America’s arch enemy Russia.

Russia’s Kseniya Sukhinova has been crowned as the new Miss World, and she’s a worthy winner. Not just because she looks good in a bikini, though – Sukhinova also excelled in the ‘fashioning a small boat out of raw materials’ and ‘kicking footballs’ rounds. Honestly. Truly she is the pinnacle of humanity.

Hey Russia, we’re getting a little bit sick of you and your monomaniacal insistence on winning every single ridiculously outdated, culturally-irrelevant talent show this year. It was bad enough when you won the Eurovision Song Contest earlier this year, but now you’ve won Miss World 2008 too. Seriously Russia, if you even think of entering a team of ruthless professionals in the Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Festival next year we won’t be held responsible for our actions.

But in a way it’s completely fitting that the new Miss World should be Russian. After all, Miss World is a hopelessly anachronistic throwback to a more casually sexist patriarchal age, where women were happy to objectify themselves in front of a panel of sneering men who were only there because they knew they’d probably get a Vaseliney blowjob out of it.

Or, in short, a throwback to the last time that Russia made a decent bid at being a global superpower. We’re not joking – chuck in a round where the contestants have to swallow a microfiche capsule and make off on a jetpack and Miss World would be a perfect replica of the James Bond novels.

However, that’s not to dismiss the efforts of the new Russian Miss World, Kseniya Sukhinova, who managed to win the judges over with her sparkling personality, dedication to charity, obvious intellect and the way that her tits looked in a bikini. And, obviously, her boat-building skills, as the Press Association reports:

“I am so happy to be here,” she said of South Africa, which was hosting a record-breaking sixth Miss World final. “I am so excited. It’s amazing.” In addition to the swimsuit and modelling segments, the 109 contestants competed in a “pentathlon” that included building a small boat and taking football penalty kicks; a talent show; and an event showcasing their charity work.

So congratulations to Kseniya Sukhinova, not only for being crowned Miss World 2008, but also because she chose to enter that contest and not Miss Universe – a beauty pageant so full of pratfalls and booing and drug-fuelled sex orgies that it’s basically Jackass with boobies.

But, of course, the real winner of Miss World is host nation South Africa because, by putting on Miss World without a hitch, it has shot down doubts that it’s ill-equipped to host the 2010 World Cup. Although we’re not so sure.

After all, Miss World is a competition full of drearily monosyllabic jumped-up preening idiots who can’t go more than ten paces without stopping to check their hair or bursting into tears for no reason, and the World Cup is…

No, we take it all back. South Africa will be brilliant at hosting the World Cup.

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