This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

Poor old Carrie Prejean. The only thing she’s guilty of is having skin so orange that everyone within 50 feet of her feels uncomfortable unless they’re wearing a hazmat suit. Sure, she might have accidentally blurted out a torrent of unfortunate anti-gay invective at the Miss USA pageant, but so what? Beauty queens are supposed to be stupid, remember? We prefer beauty queens who genuinely believe that thunder is the sound of clouds banging together or that Narnia is a real country. The thicker the better, that’s the beauty queen rule.

But Carrie Prejean wouldn’t let it lie. Since Miss USA she’s been swept up by the conservative cause and has appeared in anti-gay adverts as well as getting her bottom out for a photograph four years ago. Clearly, things are getting out of hand, with some saying that Carrie Prejean should be stripped of her Miss California title and others saying “BERN ALL THE GAYE KWEERS!!1!”. Admittedly, most of the latter appear to have used the hecklerspray comment section as their soapbox, but whatever.

But don’t worry, because here comes the calvalry. Donald Trump has promised to wade in and sort out the Carrie Prejean issue personally. Why? Here’s why:

1 - Donald Trump is head of the Miss USA organisation and this is his professional responsibility.

2 - Donald Trump realises that this problem can only be solved by a ludicrous man bellowing and jabbing his fingers about a bit.

3 - Donald Trump realises that this has been in the news for over a week and it’s his turn to get some bloody attention, goddamn it.

So tomorrow there’s going to be a press conference, after which we’re never going to hear about any of this again. Hopefully. Fox reports:

Trump said there are “things to look at,” but, “hopefully it will be a positive decision.” … Trump skirted around questions as to whether Prejan’s photos violated any pageant rules. “Most of these girls are models,” Trump said. “They do things that are not necessarily a bad thing. And look, Carrie is a seriously good looking girl. Because of her looks, [they] are making such a big deal with this.”

Donald Trump makes a good point here – people are only getting upset with Carrie Prejean because she’s pretty. The moral here is that you should only be a horrible reactionary bigot if you’ve got a face that looks like a human scrotum stuffed with Stickle Bricks. Which, we think, means that Donald Trump can pretty much say whatever he likes without fear of consequence. It’s a win-win, really.

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The best thing about the Miss USA pageant isn’t the anachronistic mass objectification of women, or all the tits.

No, it’s something better. The best thing about the Miss USA pageant is that there are so many women straining to remember to smile and breathe at the same time that one of them is bound to say something utterly moronic. Like Miss California Carrie Prejean, for instance, who used the pageant to admit that she abhors the idea of gay marriage.

Which would have been interesting, except that Perez Hilton has got involved so now it’ll be tedious and rubbish.

Question: who watches beauty queen pageants? Lust-demented heterosexual men? No. Lust-demented heterosexual men only become interested in beauty queens after they lose their crown and inevitably whapping out their baps for a grot mag. Until that happens, we’ve got the internet, which is full of videos of Swedish women having it off with three midgets on the platform of an abandoned railway station. Which is better.

No, the only people even marginally interested in contests like Miss USA any more are gay men. The shows are almost tailor-made for them – there’s camp drama, sparkles, more fabulous hair than you could fill a binbag with and, most importantly, a load of women who all look like pre-op transsexuals on a night out.

So, with that in mind, if you were a Miss USA contestant like Miss California Carrie Prejean and somebody asked you what your views on gay marriage were, what would be the absolute last thing you’d say? Chances are, it’d be something like Carrie Prejean’s actual answer, which was:

“In my country I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

Oh, Carrie Prejean, how foolish of you. If you’re going to offend the entire Miss USA audience, at least do it in a interesting way by becoming a conduit for global anti-American protests or developing an addiction to drugs and relentless casual sex. You know, something everyone can enjoy. Because now, Carrie Prejean, you’ve irked Perez Hilton. And that means we’re never going to hear the end of it. After calling Carrie Prejean a ‘dumb bitch’ on his blog, Perez has now taken his fight to the news networks…

Carrie Prejean doesn’t know what she’s got herself into. Perez Hilton is not a man you want to cross. Make an enemy of Perez Hilton and your life won’t be worth living. That’s right – before too long Carrie Prejean can expect to see a picture of herself on the internet with the phrase ’skanky ho’ written underneath it in a hand-drawn MS Paint scrawl that looks like it was put there by a hiccupping child with learning disabilities and severe delirium tremors.

Is that what you want, Carrie Prejean? Then apologise. Apologise now before it gets worse and Perez Hilton decides to draw a bubble of dribble coming out of your mouth as well, or whatever the hell it is that he does. We’re not experts.

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Last year the then reigning champion Rachel Smith fell flat on her arse, now this year’s USA champion, Crystle Stewart did the same while strutting her stuff at the Miss Universe pageant 2008.

How hard can it be to walk across the stage?

Anyway it’s fair to say that pretty much hit the US’s hopes of winning the title, which eventually went to Miss Venezuela Dayana Mendoza, who didn’t fall over.

See to win Miss Universe, we are pretty sure the criteria is to be hot, but also have the ability to walk 20 yards across a stage.

Something for Team America to work on for next year.

With this in mind, you'd expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that's not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he's invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants' past. That's got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

Although Heather Mills got £24.3 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney this week, she'd better spend that money frugally because there's probably not a soul on earth who'd employ her at the moment. Not only would Heather Mills disrupt the office with her constant squeals of 'Paedophile!' but also there's that little matter of the judge's insistence that she makes most stuff up.

But just when you thought that Heather Mills might have to go back to making disturbing naked German sex books for a living again, help has arrived in the obnoxious monkey-haired form of Donald Trump. Heather Mills has always maintained that she's more popular in America than the UK – although who knows how true that is anymore? – which means the ideal job for her now is something with word 'USA' in the title.

Like, ooh, say, a Miss USA judge? That's just what Donald Trump wants, says the New York Post:

Heather Mills is hopping onto US television again, this time as a judge on Donald Trump's Miss USA pageant… Trump yesterday shrugged off Mills' reputation as one of the world's most disliked media personalities. "So is Omarosa," he joked. "And look how well we've done with her. She's been through a lot," Trump said. "She has great courage and you have to respect her – she's been through the wringer."

Actually, perhaps Donald Trump has a bit of a point here. The more we think about it, the more we think that Heather Mills would be a perfect Miss USA judge. She's certainly forthright enough for the job, plus the wealth of experience she has will mean she'll be better equipped to empathise with the girls.

For instance, former Miss USA Tara Conner got in trouble for being at the centre of a humiliating sex scandal – and Heather Mills has to deal with all those reports that say she used to be a prostitute. Then there's former Miss USA contestant Katie Rees, who was arrested for kicking a policeman, while Heather Mills, um, wants people to drink rat milk. OK, the comparisons fall down there a bit, admittedly.  

But the main reason is that Heather Mills has plenty of modelling experience which she can bring to the Miss USA table. Although if she does take the job Donald Trump should probably quietly remind Heather Mills that she shouldn't mark down the contestants because they haven't swathed their naked breasts in whipped cream and aren't chewing on a red jelly penis. The world of modelling has moved on since Heather's day, see.

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TRUMP HIRES HEATHER MILLS - NYP