Miss USA - HecklerSpray

This 2013 Miss USA is Young and Hot, But Still A Relic

June 18th, 2013 By Chris Chambers

Last night, America carried on its?proud?tradition of tacky beauty pageants, crowning 2013’s Miss USA and effectively reinforcing that beauty pageants are horrible.

The big winner was Erin Brady, Miss Connecticut. She’s?an accountant or some shit, comparatively well-spoken (which isn’t really saying much), and?altogether?lovely. Many of the contestants look shockingly rough … a bit drag-queeny with their packed-on make-up, grumpy bordering on feral from near-starvation, and undoubtedly truly agonized by the weight of those ridiculously over-sized chandelier earrings.

Carrie Prejean Gay Kerfuffle: Relax, Donald Trump’s On It

May 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

Perez Hilton Screeches At Miss USA Girl, World Expected To Care

April 21st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The best thing about the Miss USA pageant isn’t the anachronistic mass objectification of women, or all the tits.

No, it’s something better. The best thing about the Miss USA pageant is that there are so many women straining to remember to smile and breathe at the same time that one of them is bound to say something utterly moronic. Like Miss California Carrie Prejean, for instance, who used the pageant to admit that she abhors the idea of gay marriage.

Which would have been interesting, except that Perez Hilton has got involved so now it’ll be tedious and rubbish.

Miss USA Falls On Her Ass, Again. Doesn’t Win Miss Universe

March 25th, 2009 By David Schwartz

Why can’t the winners of Miss USA stay on their feet?

Last year the then reigning champion Rachel Smith fell flat on her arse, now this year’s USA champion, Crystle Stewart did the same while strutting her stuff at the Miss Universe pageant 2008.

How hard can it be to walk across the stage?

Anyway it’s fair to say that pretty much hit the US’s hopes of winning the title, which eventually went to Miss Venezuela Dayana Mendoza, who didn’t fall over.

See to win Miss Universe, we are pretty sure the criteria is to be hot, but also have the ability to walk 20 yards across a stage.

Heather Mills Gets To Judge Beauty Contests

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills looks for three things in a man – 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.

With this in mind, you'd expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that's not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he's invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants' past. That's got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.