Miss Universe is known for its quest for perfectionism, which is why the entire universe is allowed to enter.

And this year, it did it. Miss Universe 2009 was perfect. Not because, for once, the winner probably won’t fall off the rails and end up topless in a bar exchanging grubby sexual favours for free drinks, but because of its tentpole musical number, a performance of Body Language by Heidi Montag from The Hills.

And Heidi Montag loved her Miss Universe performance. Which is just as well, really, because everyone else thought it was a big pile of monkey balls.

Miss Universe is a showcase for the pinnacle of human beauty, inside and out. Not only do the contestants represent the very peak of physical attractiveness, but their kindness and dedication to charity makes them the distant target for all of mankind to hopelessly aspire to. And the winner of Miss Universe 2009, Stefania Fernandez, is a prime example of that. Her place next to Jesus at the top spot of heaven is all but assured, because she is compassionate and has perky tits.

However, the thing about perfectionism is that it’s boring. Which is why, instead of focusing on the dazzling array of breathtaking deities who actually took part in Miss Universe on Sunday, everyone would rather talk about Heidi Montag, who sort of came on in the middle, made a noise like a bucket of cats being hurled into a cement mixer and frantically waggled her vagina around like it was on fire. Look…

It seems to be a habit of Heidi Montag’s, to not do the thing that everyone expects her to do. Like her naked Playboy shoot, for example, which turned out to be the least naked thing in all of history. And now this – a musical performance that didn’t really fit the confines of the term ‘musical’ and can only be called a performance if you imagine that it’s a piece of avant garde performance art about a transvestite Britney Spears impersonator being attacked by an invisible swarm of wasps.

But still, despite all the mixed reviews that she received, at least Heidi Montag was pleased with how it went. MTV reports:

Afterward, she took to Twitter to talk about the performance. Backup dancers flanked Montag as she danced and lip-synched to the first single off her self-titled album (due September 29). “Last night was one of the best nights of my life!!!!” she wrote. “I had so much fun! my first performance! thank you God!”

Now, OK, Heidi Montag may have genuinely enjoyed her performance in a truly sincere way, but let’s try and leave God out of this, can we? After all, he hardly needs any encouragement. We’re pretty sure that the last time anyone thanked him for something this awful, his encore involved turning the sea into blood.

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People used to watch Miss Universe for one reason – because they were gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts.

But that’s no longer the case. The internet’s now the natural home of gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts – and yet beauty pageants like Miss Universe are still popular. Why? It’s simple – because people like to see stupid young women in bikinis fall over and blather incoherently and offend entire swathes of the population.

Yesterday’s Miss Universe was won by Stefania Fernandez from Venezuela, who didn’t fall over, fail to speak her own language with any conviction or declare that homosexuals were immoral. We want our money back.

There was a time when we believed that beauty pageants were an anachronism, a deliberately patronising effort to keep women in their place by treating them like poodles at a dog show. But not any more. Over the last few years, beauty pageants have got brilliant. They’re less about who looks nicest in swimwear and more about guessing which contestant is going to make the biggest arse of herself.

Could it be Ms South Carolina and her mangled English? Could it be Miss USA and her booze-fuelled promiscuous drug orgies? Or the other Miss USA who fell over and got booed by Mexicans? Or the Miss Puerto Rico who claimed that she’d been attacked with pepper spray even though she hadn’t? Or our old friend Carrie Prejean and her semi-naked mistrust of the gays?

Miss Universe 2009 took place yesterday and, given that it featured a collection of vapour-headed pretty idiots from around the entire universe, it should have provided YouTube with countless trainwreck moments. But it didn’t. In fact, the nearest that Miss Universe came to controversy was when it was won by Stefania Fernandez, the second Venezuelan in as many years. Reuters reports:

Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez won the Miss Universe 2009 title, giving her South American country its second consecutive win and its sixth title in the beauty pageant… In the deciding questions, Fernandez was asked by a judge what obstacles faced women seeking to become leaders of business corporations. “We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently.

We believe that last sentence was prematurely cut off. We think it meant to say ‘”We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently. While wearing a bikini. With her teeth smeared with Vaseline. On a stage. In front of men. Who’d been paid to decide whether or not she was prettier than some other girls. And who weren’t wearing bikinis and hadn’t smeared Vaseline all over their teeth. Because they were men, and didn’t really need to’.

But that doesn’t matter. It might have been utterly, brain-haemorrhagingly tedious, but congratulations to Stefania Fernandez for winning Miss Universe. And congratulations to Venezuala for winning two Miss Universes in a row. And congratulations to planet Earth, for winning its 57th Miss Universe in a row. Better luck next time, inhabitants of Qualzari 32.

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Last year the then reigning champion Rachel Smith fell flat on her arse, now this year’s USA champion, Crystle Stewart did the same while strutting her stuff at the Miss Universe pageant 2008.

How hard can it be to walk across the stage?

Anyway it’s fair to say that pretty much hit the US’s hopes of winning the title, which eventually went to Miss Venezuela Dayana Mendoza, who didn’t fall over.

See to win Miss Universe, we are pretty sure the criteria is to be hot, but also have the ability to walk 20 yards across a stage.

Something for Team America to work on for next year.

Ingrid Marie Rivera, you see, is going to be Puerto Rico's representative at next year's Miss Universe competition. But her journey has been fraught with more peril than anyone could have imagined because rather than Vaseline her teeth and make up a lot of bullshit about animals like all other wannabe Miss Universes do, Ingrid Marie Rivera had to cope with someone sabotaging her clothes and make-up with pepper spray before the show began. And by struggling through the pageant covered in hives and emerging as Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Marie Rivera has proved that nothing can stand before her ultimate goal of wearing a sash, smiling subordinately and being found attractive by Donald Trump for a year.

You might think that beauty contests are nothing more than awkward anachronisms that merely reduce women to subservient objects of male desire while offering the illusion of empowerment judged on nothing more than a series of intergenerational genetic flukes, but you would say that wouldn't you, fatty?

Because even though beauty contests are just jumped-up dog shows where you don't feel as suicidal if you find the winner attractive, people go crazy for them. Especially Miss Universe, where previous winners have subjected themselves to dresses made of chains and relentless Mexican jeers just so they can win the ultimate prize of being called the prettiest girl in the universe, travelling to hopeless war-torn environments to inspire the locals with their beauty and getting drunk, taking drugs and banging all the men. 

And people will do anything to even compete in Miss Universe – anything, it's transpired, including sabotaging your competitors with pepper spray attacks before they're due to go onstage.

That's what's happened in Puerto Rico, anyway – on Friday's beauty contest to find Puerto Rico's representative for Miss Universe 2008, the ultimate winner Ingrid Marie Rivera was forced to keep running backstage to change clothes and ice her face to stop it from swelling up, all because someone had doused her clothes and make-up with pepper spray. After she won, and revealed the torment she'd been through, Ingrid Marie Rivera said:

"It was a lot of sacrifice, and my tears were genuine. At one point, I asked, 'Am I a masochist?' But I said regardless of the results, this is my goal. The more rocks there are in my path, the more thanks I will give to God for sustaining me."

There's currently an investigation into who would dream of attempting to wreck Ingrid Marie Riviera's hope of winning the Miss Puerto Rico crown by covering her with pepper spray, and investigators have narrowed the culprit down to either a team member of one of Riviera's competitors or Dennis The Menace from The Beano.

And not only was there the pepper spray that Ingrid Marie Rivera had to endure, but also her bags and credit cards were reportedly stolen and a bomb threat cancelled some of the Miss Puerto Rico preliminary rounds.

But while the investigation into this sabotage continues, some important questions have to be asked. Like what would compel someone to cause another human being so much distress just because they might be slightly prettier than them? Is it a reflection of the increasingly competitive world we live in, or is it a sign that the media constantly inflicts unattainably high ideals on us that destroy our self-confidence as a result of our failure to meet them?

But perhaps the most important question is this: how frighteningly ugly must the other Puerto Rican beauty queens have been to let sobby old Ingrid Marie Rivera and her welty face win Miss Puerto Rico? We're guessing 'quite'.

Read more:

Puerto Rican Wins Beauty Contest Despite Sabotage – Reuters