Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.
Miss Universe is known for its quest for perfectionism, which is why the entire universe is allowed to enter.
And this year, it did it. Miss Universe 2009 was perfect. Not because, for once, the winner probably won’t fall off the rails and end up topless in a bar exchanging grubby sexual favours for free drinks, but because of its tentpole musical number, a performance of Body Language by Heidi Montag from The Hills.
And Heidi Montag loved her Miss Universe performance. Which is just as well, really, because everyone else thought it was a big pile of monkey balls.
People used to watch Miss Universe for one reason – because they were gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts.
But that’s no longer the case. The internet’s now the natural home of gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts – and yet beauty pageants like Miss Universe are still popular. Why? It’s simple – because people like to see stupid young women in bikinis fall over and blather incoherently and offend entire swathes of the population.
Yesterday’s Miss Universe was won by Stefania Fernandez from Venezuela, who didn’t fall over, fail to speak her own language with any conviction or declare that homosexuals were immoral. We want our money back.
Why can’t the winners of Miss USA stay on their feet?
Last year the then reigning champion Rachel Smith fell flat on her arse, now this year’s USA champion, Crystle Stewart did the same while strutting her stuff at the Miss Universe pageant 2008.
How hard can it be to walk across the stage?
Anyway it’s fair to say that pretty much hit the US’s hopes of winning the title, which eventually went to Miss VenezuelaDayana Mendoza, who didn’t fall over.
See to win Miss Universe, we are pretty sure the criteria is to be hot, but also have the ability to walk 20 yards across a stage.
Something for Team America to work on for next year.
In this post-feminist landscape, beauty contests are more about displaying a united spirit of sisterhood than anything else – well, that and attacking your competitors with pepper spray to stop them winning, as Ingrid Marie Rivera has found out.
Ingrid Marie Rivera, you see, is going to be Puerto Rico's representative at next year's Miss Universe competition. But her journey has been fraught with more peril than anyone could have imagined because rather than Vaseline her teeth and make up a lot of bullshit about animals like all other wannabe Miss Universes do, Ingrid Marie Rivera had to cope with someone sabotaging her clothes and make-up with pepper spray before the show began. And by struggling through the pageant covered in hives and emerging as Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Marie Rivera has proved that nothing can stand before her ultimate goal of wearing a sash, smiling subordinately and being found attractive by Donald Trump for a year.
Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
Miss Universe is known for its quest for perfectionism, which is why the entire universe is allowed to enter.
People used to watch Miss Universe for one reason – because they were gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts.
