This Carrie Prejean sex tape has put the cat among the pigeons. By ‘cat’ we obviously mean ‘oddly fluorescent bigot’.
And by ‘pigeons’ we mean ‘sex tapes’. That’s not a very good analogy, is it? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Carrie Prejean has finally confirmed the existence of the sex tape that recently scuppered her plan to sue the Miss California organisers for a million dollars.
What’s more, Carrie Prejean says that making the sex tape was the worst mistake of her life. And considering her narrow-minded views on homosexuality, wonky tits, bright orange skin and unnecessarily large hair, that must be one massive mistake. Dirty.
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The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?
Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.
But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.
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Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.
She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.
You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.
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Since Carrie Prejean vanished, we’ve been forced to choose between pretty girls being nice or ugly girls being awful.
But now Carrie Prejean is back! We can have a pretty girl being awful again! Hooray! This time Carrie Prejean has decided to be awful by suing the Miss USA organisers, claiming that they fired her because of her crackpot anti-gay beliefs instead of not doing anything she was told to.
Carrie Prejean is suing for an undisclosed amount and – on the off-chance that she’ll spend it all on a house far away from all of humanity – we hope she wins.
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Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.
Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.
OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.
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Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?
You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.
Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.
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Make it stop. That’s all we want. Why won’t anyone make it stop? We’re willing to pay someone to make this Carrie Prejean thing stop.
But oh no. Oh no. Even though this whole Carrie Prejean thing has tediously rumbled along for so long that even gay people are on the brink of admitting that, actually yes, they have been cursed by God just so long as it makes people stop carping on about it all the bloody time, something ridiculous has happened.
A Califonia district wants to make June 1 Carrie Prejean day. That’s the sound of us weeping, incidentally.
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You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.
Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.
Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?
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