Miss California - HecklerSpray

Carrie Prejean Ashamed About Sex Tape, For Some Reason

November 10th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This Carrie Prejean sex tape has put the cat among the pigeons. By ‘cat’ we obviously mean ‘oddly fluorescent bigot’.

And by ‘pigeons’ we mean ‘sex tapes’. That’s not a very good analogy, is it? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Carrie Prejean has finally confirmed the existence of the sex tape that recently scuppered her plan to sue the Miss California organisers for a million dollars.

What’s more, Carrie Prejean says that making the sex tape was the worst mistake of her life. And considering her narrow-minded views on homosexuality, wonky tits, bright orange skin and unnecessarily large hair, that must be one massive mistake. Dirty.

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Literally No Takers Whatsoever

November 6th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

There’s A Carrie Prejean Sex Tape, You Say? Goodness

November 5th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.

She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.

You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.

Hey World! Carrie Prejean Is Desperate For Your Attention Again! Ugh!

September 1st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Since Carrie Prejean vanished, we’ve been forced to choose between pretty girls being nice or ugly girls being awful.

But now Carrie Prejean is back! We can have a pretty girl being awful again! Hooray! This time Carrie Prejean has decided to be awful by suing the Miss USA organisers, claiming that they fired her because of her crackpot anti-gay beliefs instead of not doing anything she was told to.

Carrie Prejean is suing for an undisclosed amount and – on the off-chance that she’ll spend it all on a house far away from all of humanity – we hope she wins.

Carrie Prejean’s Furious Emails Are PRICELESS

June 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Steady yourselves. We’ve got some big news. Ready? Get this – there’s a beauty queen with quite a high opinion of herself.

Alright, that’s not news – everybody knows that if you put a beauty queen anywhere near any reflective surface she’ll probably try to dry-hump it. But when the beauty queen in question is recently-ousted Miss California Carrie Prejean, and the high opinion of herself manifests itself in a string of berserk, illiterate emails to the Miss California director, then it’s news.

OK, it’s not news either. But it means we can make fun of Carrie Prejean, and that’s always hilarious.

Carrie Prejean Gets The Boot For Being A Terrible Person

June 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?

You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.

Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.

Fat Baby Jesus, Now There’s Going To Be A Carrie Prejean Day

May 15th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Make it stop. That’s all we want. Why won’t anyone make it stop? We’re willing to pay someone to make this Carrie Prejean thing stop.

But oh no. Oh no. Even though this whole Carrie Prejean thing has tediously rumbled along for so long that even gay people are on the brink of admitting that, actually yes, they have been cursed by God just so long as it makes people stop carping on about it all the bloody time, something ridiculous has happened.

A Califonia district wants to make June 1 Carrie Prejean day. That’s the sound of us weeping, incidentally.

Shanna Moakler Gets Her Knickers In A Twist Over Carrie Prejean

May 14th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.

Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.

Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?

Donald Trump: Carrie Prejean Can Be Miss California FOREVER!

May 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.

It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.

But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.

Carrie Prejean’s Replacement Gets Lined Up, Just In Case

May 12th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.