Do you remember Bumfights, the film where some tramps got paid in alcohol to fight each other on camera?

You don’t? Never mind. Amy Winehouse and Mischa Barton reportedly got into a confrontation in a pub this week, and we can’t help but think that the sight of two scrawny, bleary-eyed, slurring, bad-haired morons screeching abuse at each other while surrounded by booze is the closest anyone will ever get to recreating Bumfights. Only this is worse because Amy Winehouse and Mischa Barton generally look more mannish and homeless than actual homeless men do.

There’s no word on whether or not Amy Winehouse and Mischa Barton patched up their differences following the clash. Hopefully they did, because that’s the only way they’ll ever record the world’s most nightmarishly harrowing amateur lesbian sex tape together. Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t think the same thing.

Mischa Barton might think that she’s friends with Amy Winehouse, but she really isn’t. What’s rule number one with Amy Winehouse? That she’ll fall in love with you if you wear a stupid hat and violently attack barmen for living? Well, yes, but we were actually thinking of ‘Don’t mess with her booze’.

Whatever you do in life, you should never, ever come between Amy Winehouse and her booze. It’s like kicking a baby bear in front of its mother. It will always end in tears. So what did Mischa Barton do this week? That’s right. She broke rule number one. She messed with Amy Winehouse’s booze. And as a result, the pair had something of a falling out, as The Sun reports:

After the songbird stumbled into The Hawley Arms at around 8pm, the newly teetotal Hollywood starlet Barton blasted her for being off her nut at such an early hour. A vicious row then erupted after Barton tried to wrestle a drink from Amy’s hand, informing her that she’d “had enough for the night”.

For the night? Mischa Barton told Amy Winehouse that she’d had enough alcohol for the night? That’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it? The most recent estimates suggest that Amy Winehouse has actually consumed enough alcohol for the next 20 million years. Honestly, that woman’s liver must be as small and hard as a dried-out rabbit turd by now.

Still, at least Mischa Barton’s heart was in the right place. After she was sectioned last year, Mischa Barton became teetotal and there’s no doubt that she just wanted Amy Winehouse to be more like her. Which, in retrospect, is horrible advice. After all, what’s worse than sharing a planet with Mischa Barton and Amy Winehouse? That’s right, sharing a planet with two Mischa Bartons. Oh, the humanity.

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You know what this website needs? A story about the minor financial worries of a woman who isn’t famous.

So step forward Mischa Barton. You see, Mischa Barton apparently hasn’t paid her rent for three months, and now her landlord is suing her. It’s hard to find a suitable celebrity comparison to demonstrate just how big a news story this is – imagine if the blonde bloke who used to be on Beverly Hills 90210 gave a deliberately inaccurate gas meter reading or if Topanga from Boy Meets World was caught leaving an unsatisfactory tip at a restaurant.

That’s how big this story is. Only, you know, not quite as big. Mischa Barton, this is the big time.

Let’s dive into the meat of this straight away. Actually, no, not meat. That’s absolutely the wrong word to use – because a) it falsely implies that this is an important story that’ll end up changing your life in some deeply significant way, and b) we’re talking about Mischa Barton – a woman whose frame is so withered and bony that using the word ‘meat’ in conjunction with anything to do with her just seems needlessly insulting. So let’s dive into the, um, details. E! Online reports:

The saga of Mischa Barton just keeps getting stranger as the former O.C. star is now on the business end of a lawsuit filed by a New York landlord who claims she’s a deadbeat renter, failing to keep the checks coming on her $7,000-a-month TriBeCa apartment. According to the complaint, filed by M.R.A. Realties, Barton has rebuffed the company’s attempts to collect three months’ worth of rent.

That’s right, Mischa Barton apparently didn’t pay her rent for a few months and now she’s being sued. And that’s just about all there is to it. But still, if you think this is exciting, you haven’t seen anything yet. Sooner or later Mischa Barton is going to move out of that apartment, and the landlord will try to keep most of her security deposit because there’s a tiny black mark in the corner of one of the carpets and a minuscule Blu-Tack remnant on her bedroom wall, and all hell will break loose. And we’ll be right there on the front line when it happens. If it’s a really slow news day.

But anyway, just because she’s being sued for not paying her rent, it doesn’t mean that these are bad times for Mischa Barton. Remember, this is a woman who was once arrested for driving under the influence of drugs and was involuntarily sectioned last year so, if anything, failure to pay a few months of rent is a step up for her.

From this point onwards, her problems will keep getting smaller. First Mischa Barton got sectioned, now she’s having trouble with her rent – next she’ll get caught stealing milkbottles, then she’ll give herself a funny haircut, then she’ll fall over in public and after that she’ll be right back to normal.

Or she’ll end up getting sectioned again. One or the other.

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Remember Mischa Barton, the hard-partying, hollow-faced DUI arrestee who lost any semblance of normality long ago?

Well guess what? Turns out she’s mentally unwell. Mischa Barton has been placed under a 5150 involuntary psychiatric hold and taken to the same hospital that Britney Spears was after her meltdown last year. It’s thought that action was taken after Mischa made a 911 call.

The good news is that, like Britney Spears, Mischa Barton is now getting the help she clearly needs. The bad news is that, like Britney Spears, she might now make a rubbish album and go on a dead-eyed global tour.

The effect that The O.C had on the planet has been pretty much unilaterally terrible. It has spawned all manner of tedious clones like Gossip Girl and 90210. It has spawned all manner of tedious reality show rip-offs, like The Hills and Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. It has spawned eight nightmarish-sounding novelisations. And there’s a good chance that it helped to spawn some of Mischa Barton’s mental health problems, too.

Of course, it might not have done – but if Mischa Barton hadn’t been on The O.C then we probably wouldn’t be writing about her meltdown now, so let’s just pretend that it did.

But anyway, yes, Mischa Barton has been sectioned and she’s currently undergoing psychiatric observation at an LA hospital. The San Jose Mercury reports:

Mischa Barton was picked up at her residence by police Wednesday and placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold (also known as a 5150), before she was transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Barton made a 911 call because of what officials termed a “medical issue.” A rep for the actress would not comment on her medical condition.

As upsetting as this news is, it isn’t exactly a surprise. Mischa Barton has flirted with trouble ever since leaving The O.C, whether she was being taken to hospital for an illness that everyone assumed was drug-related or getting arrested for driving while off her chuff on booze and pot or – worst of all – moving to London and hanging out with the Geldof sisters until her face went from ‘glamorous and charming’ to ‘an unflattering portrait of the imagined offspring of Nico and 2004 Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry drawn in mascara on a wet napkin by a nervous toddler’.

Maybe details of Mischa Barton’s condition will emerge in the coming days and weeks, or maybe they won’t. If they don’t, then that’s fair enough – Mischa can keep her head down and get well again, and we can all go back to forgetting that she used to be famous. It sounds like an easy enough compromise to us.

The saddest thing about this, though, is that Mischa Barton was due to attend the premiere of her new movie Homecoming last night, but her condition prevented it. That’s a shame, because if Mischa Barton turned up to the premiere, it would have been the glitziest event that the Hounslow B&Q car park had ever seen.

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Good news! Mischa Barton – the thunderingly pointless star of The OC and little else – won't be going to jail for that time she drove around blasted on pot and booze.

According to reports, Mischa Barton decided to enter a no contest plea to her DUI charges, which means her only punishment will be three years' probation, three months of alcohol education classes and a small fine.

On reflection, this is probably the best result Mischa Barton could have hoped for. By avoiding jail, Mischa has freed up a large block of time she's already sworn to spend furthering the advancement of shoddy direct-to-DVD bargain bin movies that no normal person would ever dream of watching. And the world thanks her for that.

Looking at the IMDb list of upcoming Mischa Barton films, you have to worry for the girl's state of mind. There's a movie co-starring Ja Rule, a movie entitled Malice In Sunderland and – God help us all – a movie about forgotten Russian lesbian pop duo tATu. Never has one actress contributed more to the future 2am weekday schedules of Five US. Really, what must Mischa Barton have been on to agree to make all this crap?

Well, pot. Pot and booze. Mischa Barton was probably on pot and booze because Mischa Barton loves pot and booze more than words can say. She loves them so much that sometimes she'll even drive around in her car blasted on pot and booze just to get her pro-pot and booze message out to as many people as possible.

Which neatly explains why Mischa Barton was arrested for driving drunk with marijuana in her possession just after Christmas. Mischa was charged with these offences in February – and was looking at winding up in jail if she was found guilty for them, too.

Not that jail would have been particularly traumatic for Mischa – she's so skinny that only the most accurate berserk shivver on her wing could have stabbed her with any degree of success. But that's all by the by anyway, because Mischa Barton has avoided jail with our old friend, the no contest plea bargain. Reuters reports:

"Actress Mischa Barton… has agreed to serve three years' probation for drunken driving, allowing her to avoid jail and escape a charge for marijuana possession…. Barton will plead no contest, which is similar to a guilty plea, pay a small fine and attend three months of an alcohol education class. One charge of marijuana possession will be dropped and another charge of driving without a license will be reduced to a traffic violation, according to People.com."

On the surface of things, this plea bargain looks like a lucky escape for Mischa Barton, and it is – but only in the short-term. Long-term things are pretty bleak. Next time Mischa Barton goes out in LA with her friends Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, and they're all discussing all the nonces that they shanked during their time in the big house and comparing prison tattoos, what's non-con Mischa Barton going to do?

Sit there and feel pretty bloody stupid, that's what.

Read more:

Mischa Barton seeks plea for drunk driving: report – Reuters 

Mischa Barton isn't just that one-time partly famous actress who was in The OC and nothing else at all after that, like you think she is.

No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That's right – a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil' Kim.

Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That's bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don't worry Hayden! We're on our way! And we're bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!

Remember when the hot trend among the Hollywood A-listers was a little dog dressed up as a pirate that you could carry around in a handbag? Things were so much simpler then. Now to keep up with the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan you need to get arrested for driving a car out of your mind on booze or drugs. 

Or at least that was the case. As a general rule, when Mischa Barton does anything, she pretty much kills that trend stone dead. And since Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI on December 27, the young and pointless of Hollywood have had to find a new fad. It's been a struggle, with the current hot craze involving wearing a lifesize concrete sheep on your head like an inert livestocky hat.

But forget sheephats, because this is about Mischa Barton – the skinny girl from The OC who left The OC because she thought she was getting too big for it, only to end up doing absolutely nothing at all of worth afterwards. Anyway, two months after her DUI arrest, Mischa Barton has formally been charged, as the New York Daily News reports:

According to court papers, the 21-year-old actress was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana. The misdemeanor charges are related to her December 27, 2006 arrest in West Hollywood where she was pulled over after police witnessed her car fail to use a turn signal, as well as straddle two lanes. Barton was scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

It'll be interesting to see how Mischa Barton pleads in her upcoming hearings, because if she wants to stay true to the skinny celebrity tradition she'll need to plead not guilty time and time again despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary right up until the last minute when she'll reverse her plea and go to jail anyway. 

To be honest, we're torn between anger and pity for Mischa Barton here. Not because she endangered innocent lives while trying to adhere to the predetermined set of conventions laid out by her peer group, though. No.

Instead, we pity Mischa Barton because she's only roughly the size of an unfolded paperclip, so even an enthusiastic whiff of nutmeg will turn her into a shambling, dribbling uncontrollable mess, let alone any alcohol and pot. And we're angry because Mischa Barton is a British citizen, so she should be able to handle her drink. Well, either handle it or fly into a terrifying rage and stab a policeman to death with a screwdriver. Either way, it's a bitter disappointment.

Read more:

Mischa Barton charged for DUI, pot - New York Daily News