But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

Minnie Driver is a rubbish celebrity, and that’s solid fact. She hasn’t been in any decent films since… well, she hasn’t been in any decent films. Her attempts at songwriting all sound like soggy Dido queef. And she’s handled the birth of her baby like – oh God, we think we’re going to throw up – like a civilian.

To be fair, Minnie Driver had a bash at the celebrity baby thing to begin with – when her giant baby was born last month she decided to name it Story. Which sounds good, until you realise that she also called it Henry. That just displays a lack of focus – Henry Story hardly counts as a celebrity name because only half of its name isn’t a real name. Bogantwaii Story we could have dealt with. Grapefruit Story we could have dealt with. Mmmbop Story we could have dealt with. But Henry Story? Ugh. Get out.

And, just to make sure she’s really rubbing our noses in it, Minnie Driver has decided to shun the traditional celebrity pursuit of selling baby pictures to a magazine for millions of dollars in favour of just bunging a snap on MySpace instead. It’s a bloody disgrace. The New York Daily News reports:

Big photo shoot? Psh! Minnie Driver doesn’t roll that way. The notoriously un-Hollywood actress has posted a photo of her infant son Henry Story Driver on MySpace. Driver’s rep told the Daily News on Monday that her client wasn’t trying to make a statement with Henry’s public debut – she simply wanted to share the photo with friends and fans.

That’s right Minnie Driver, you try to be all clever and anti-establishment. See if we care. Look, if we can’t pay a couple of quid for a rubbish magazine just to gawp at a photo of you holding a baby that’s completely identical to every other baby ever born, then we don’t want to look at the poxy thing at all.

And, oh, MySpace. How very modern of you, Minnie Driver! Why didn’t you go the whole hog and post a video of your baby happyslapping a pensioner on YouTube? Huh? Because… OK, actually we would quite like to see that.

Anyway, good for Minnie Driver. She’s proved once again that she doesn’t buy into the trappings of celebrity life easily, and we can’t help but respect her a little bit for that. Although we can’t help feeling that there’s another, much more obvious, reason for her sticking her baby photos on MySpace – celebrity baby apathy.

It’s simple – the public is so fed up of being force-fed celebrity baby photos that they even react with boredom to pictures of the pictures of megastars like Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. And if pictures of famous babies reduce people to boredom, then imagine what they’d do if they saw Minnie Driver’s baby in a magazine. Riots, looting, the messy destruction of civilisation as we know it. No, Minnie Driver deserves a medal for her good citizenship.

That’s why we’re just so thrilled that Minnie Driver has managed to successfully give birth to her first baby. It’s been reported that Minnie Driver gave birth to her son on Friday, and she’s even named it Henry Story Driver. Story. It’s almost as if Minnie Driver is playing along at being a celebrity, isn’t it? It’s sweet.

Not too much is known about Minnie Driver’s baby, but fingers crossed that it hasn’t inherited Minnie’s humongous jaw and, if it has, that it wasn’t a natural birth. Delivering a baby can be painful enough at the best of times, so imagine how bad it’d be to have an industrial jack holding your clodge apart so you baby’s giant mandible doesn’t get snarled up in it. Congratulations Minnie!

An international team of scientists recently discovered that the words ‘Minnie Driver’ were the two words in the English language least likely to provoke a reaction from any human being, even if they’re actually related to Minnie Driver.

Seriously, finding the point of Minnie Driver is an epic task. Minnie Driver is quite a good actress but not enough to get excited about. She’s quite pretty but not enough to get excited about, either. And we’re studiously avoiding hearing her music because we hear it’s terrible, so we can’t even get excited about that. If it wasn’t for her brief appearance at a Malibu gas rally almost two years ago, we’d barely even remember that Minnie Driver existed.

However, Minnie Driver has had a baby, which is quite good news if you like babies we suppose. And she’s called it Henry Story, after her two favourite things in the world – stories and the film Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. And nobody knows who the dad is.

And, look, that’s it. That’s all we know about Minnie Driver’s baby. Honestly, that’s all anybody knows about Minnie Driver. Even that great bastion of mostly-credible news MSNBC could only manage three minuscule paragraphs about Minnie Driver’s baby before falling back on this enthralling piece of information:

Henry Story was heavier than Matthew McConaughey’s newborn, Levi, who weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz. when he was born in July. And he weighed almost twice as much as the twins born to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt earlier this summer. Their son, Knox Leon, weighed 5 lbs., 3 oz., while his twin sister, Vivienne Marcheline, weighed in at just 5lbs.

Informative! Actually, MSNBC has a point – Minnie Driver’s baby weighed 9 lbs., 12 oz, which is roughly the same weight as seven basketballs.

And if Minnie Driver can push seven basketballs out of her body, then she’s wasted in Hollywood – she should move to Thailand, where her services will be genuinely appreciated.