Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.

And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.

Wait what?

We’ll have her know our collective grandmothers are entirely as c**ty as they want to be, thank you very much. Moreover, being a pauper’s the best thing since sliced bread because you have an excuse for living in your pyjama bottoms and existing on a diet of pizza and fizzy pop. It’s like, economics or something. We’re pretty sure that thing in that book about economics mentions pizza and Jeremy Kyle. Yeah, it’s on that page where Mof doodled in the margin.

Back to the point, Gwyneth gave an interview with the U.S.’s Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler and spoke about what an annoying bunch of a**holes her extended family were. Or something. Or she could have just been trying to one-up also-German Chelsea with her name-calling.

Appearing on “Chelsea Lately” Monday night, Paltrow spoke about the tough time she had relating to her mutti. Both Handler and Paltrow reminisced about their German grandmoms, and when Handler called hers a “b**ch,” Paltrow one-upped her. “My grandmother was a real c**t,” Paltrow laughed. “She basically hated my guts. She tried to poison my mother against me, but it didn’t work because I have a great mother. She was just tough, just tough. You look back and you think she must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was mean as hell.”

As a side note, screaming ‘Take backsies!’ and running like the wind is a totally valid substitute for divorce. Right? If not, um, if any one calls the hecklerspray hovel, we’re in the loo. Together. Where it’s safe.There are about a dozen jilted wives and husbands out there somewhere and we’ll be damned if they’re getting half the beer, the hovel, and the commenters in the divorces.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse and she’s the biggest c*nt going.

Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him.

One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, rather than suffering the misfortune of looking like her father, is a carbon copy of Joely Richardson. It’s eerie.

And now, the Russian doll effect continues as she’s about to give birth to a child after Kimberley swapped fluids with ice-cream vendor, Benicio del Toro (who these days, looks like Tim Curry if he lived in a tea pot). This means, for the first time, Rod the Mod is to be a grandfather.

However, this story has a very modern (and rather dull) twist! While Kimberley Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are indeed having a baby together, Del Toro’s spokesperson was incredibly keen to point out that the pair are not a couple.

In fairness to Kim, this is one of her better conquests. She has been seen on the arm/down the throat of Jude Law (who hasn’t?), Jack Osbourne (yes, really), Rhys Ifans and some people you’ve never heard of called Cisco Adler, Talan Torriero and Joe Francis. For all we know, the last three could work in chip shops.

Del Toro is quite the swordsman too, having had flings and romances with Alicia Silverstone, Scarlett Johansson and Minnie Driver.

Alas, Benny Boy isn’t one for settling down. Previously, when asked about it, he indignantly said:

“Why? Everyone says, “Why isn’t he married?” But it’s like, ‘F***! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?”

He also described his house as a cave, which makes us hope that his lounge looks exactly like the Vegas hotel room from his scenes in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, complete with flooded floor, crying painter girl and stabbed water melon.

He’ll be a great father!

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Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.

And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?

Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).

Paltrow, who was initially encouraged to sing by the swine behind Glee, has gone on to perform at the Grammy’s, howling like ward patient during Cee Lo Green’s ‘Asterisk You’.

All the while, you can just imagine Chris Martin, at home, cooing about how great she is, and generally being painfully sweet and pathetically kind about the whole thing while Gwyn wrings her hands, worrying about the whole stupid singing thing.

Of course, she’s not the first Hollywood chump to have a stab at a singing career.

Catherine Zeta Jones decided to make some earthy synth garbage in the ’90s, wafting her arms around like she had the world’s most embarrassing, flowing nervous tic and standing in the desert with a wind machine farting in her face.

Paltrow isn’t likely to go down the Zeta Jones route (bad commercial pop and the eventual marriage to a embalmed mummy of a man), rather, she could be the next Minnie Driver! Yes, Minnie made a hash of country-pop and everyone suddenly stopped hiring her for films.

Which is great for the rest of us, obviously. We can only hope that Paltrow’s career sees a similar downward turn.

Still, not all actors face a collective shunning from the public after making spectacularly woeful records. For some reason, we’ve all conveniently forgotten Bruce Willis’ legacy at – unbelievably – Motown. Yep, he butchered a load of soul and R&B classics, as well as producing schlock like this.

Still, we can only hope that Paltrow has a curve ball in her ammo and manages to make ass-obsessed music with cod-blues and bad white boy funk, just like perma-varnished kung fu penis, Steven Seagal.

Please let this happen Paltrow. Don’t go making an album that’s forgettably insipid. Really go for it and throw a high-concept at it too, so we can all remember the time you career came off the rails and careered into a playground filled with sick nanas, blowing everyone to grisly smithereens. We’re thinking Shatner’s ‘Transformed Man’ album specifically.

YOU MUST.

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Minnie Driver doesn’t know the rules – celebrity babies only exist to supplement their parents’ giant wages via megabucks magazine deals.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

Minnie Driver is a rubbish celebrity, and that’s solid fact. She hasn’t been in any decent films since… well, she hasn’t been in any decent films. Her attempts at songwriting all sound like soggy Dido queef. And she’s handled the birth of her baby like – oh God, we think we’re going to throw up – like a civilian.

To be fair, Minnie Driver had a bash at the celebrity baby thing to begin with – when her giant baby was born last month she decided to name it Story. Which sounds good, until you realise that she also called it Henry. That just displays a lack of focus – Henry Story hardly counts as a celebrity name because only half of its name isn’t a real name. Bogantwaii Story we could have dealt with. Grapefruit Story we could have dealt with. Mmmbop Story we could have dealt with. But Henry Story? Ugh. Get out.

And, just to make sure she’s really rubbing our noses in it, Minnie Driver has decided to shun the traditional celebrity pursuit of selling baby pictures to a magazine for millions of dollars in favour of just bunging a snap on MySpace instead. It’s a bloody disgrace. The New York Daily News reports:

Big photo shoot? Psh! Minnie Driver doesn’t roll that way. The notoriously un-Hollywood actress has posted a photo of her infant son Henry Story Driver on MySpace. Driver’s rep told the Daily News on Monday that her client wasn’t trying to make a statement with Henry’s public debut – she simply wanted to share the photo with friends and fans.

That’s right Minnie Driver, you try to be all clever and anti-establishment. See if we care. Look, if we can’t pay a couple of quid for a rubbish magazine just to gawp at a photo of you holding a baby that’s completely identical to every other baby ever born, then we don’t want to look at the poxy thing at all.

And, oh, MySpace. How very modern of you, Minnie Driver! Why didn’t you go the whole hog and post a video of your baby happyslapping a pensioner on YouTube? Huh? Because… OK, actually we would quite like to see that.

Anyway, good for Minnie Driver. She’s proved once again that she doesn’t buy into the trappings of celebrity life easily, and we can’t help but respect her a little bit for that. Although we can’t help feeling that there’s another, much more obvious, reason for her sticking her baby photos on MySpace – celebrity baby apathy.

It’s simple – the public is so fed up of being force-fed celebrity baby photos that they even react with boredom to pictures of the pictures of megastars like Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. And if pictures of famous babies reduce people to boredom, then imagine what they’d do if they saw Minnie Driver’s baby in a magazine. Riots, looting, the messy destruction of civilisation as we know it. No, Minnie Driver deserves a medal for her good citizenship.

When it comes to curly-haired British minor actresses, it goes without saying that Minnie Driver is definitely in our top two or three hundred.

That’s why we’re just so thrilled that Minnie Driver has managed to successfully give birth to her first baby. It’s been reported that Minnie Driver gave birth to her son on Friday, and she’s even named it Henry Story Driver. Story. It’s almost as if Minnie Driver is playing along at being a celebrity, isn’t it? It’s sweet.

Not too much is known about Minnie Driver’s baby, but fingers crossed that it hasn’t inherited Minnie’s humongous jaw and, if it has, that it wasn’t a natural birth. Delivering a baby can be painful enough at the best of times, so imagine how bad it’d be to have an industrial jack holding your clodge apart so you baby’s giant mandible doesn’t get snarled up in it. Congratulations Minnie!

An international team of scientists recently discovered that the words ‘Minnie Driver’ were the two words in the English language least likely to provoke a reaction from any human being, even if they’re actually related to Minnie Driver.

Seriously, finding the point of Minnie Driver is an epic task. Minnie Driver is quite a good actress but not enough to get excited about. She’s quite pretty but not enough to get excited about, either. And we’re studiously avoiding hearing her music because we hear it’s terrible, so we can’t even get excited about that. If it wasn’t for her brief appearance at a Malibu gas rally almost two years ago, we’d barely even remember that Minnie Driver existed.

However, Minnie Driver has had a baby, which is quite good news if you like babies we suppose. And she’s called it Henry Story, after her two favourite things in the world – stories and the film Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. And nobody knows who the dad is.

And, look, that’s it. That’s all we know about Minnie Driver’s baby. Honestly, that’s all anybody knows about Minnie Driver. Even that great bastion of mostly-credible news MSNBC could only manage three minuscule paragraphs about Minnie Driver’s baby before falling back on this enthralling piece of information:

Henry Story was heavier than Matthew McConaughey’s newborn, Levi, who weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz. when he was born in July. And he weighed almost twice as much as the twins born to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt earlier this summer. Their son, Knox Leon, weighed 5 lbs., 3 oz., while his twin sister, Vivienne Marcheline, weighed in at just 5lbs.

Informative! Actually, MSNBC has a point – Minnie Driver’s baby weighed 9 lbs., 12 oz, which is roughly the same weight as seven basketballs.

And if Minnie Driver can push seven basketballs out of her body, then she’s wasted in Hollywood – she should move to Thailand, where her services will be genuinely appreciated.