Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls’ outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking.

Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café.

If the thought of being stabbed to death isn’t great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.

With a personal fortune of £560m stashed away under the mattress, JK Rowling has to do something with all that money. Not only has the Harry Potter brand enabled her to always pay her bill without checking, it’s also help spawn the careers of other people associated with the ever-growing franchise.

Daniel Radcliffe was cast as the spectacle-wearing nerd in the film adaptations. As he grew up, got more attractive to ladyfolk and hit puberty he shifted gears in to other acting ventures. While whipping your cock out and dancing around with horses sounds like some sort of specialist pornography, it was all apparently tastefully done in some sort of play. Next they’ll be saying that selling a zebra in a box constitutes art.

But not everything to do with Harry Potter is fluffy and cute. Steven Vander Ark decided to make an encyclopaedia of everything to do with Harry Potter. From detailing every character to listing magic potions and exam cheats, it was every geek’s wet dream. A whole Bible of knowledge about something that isn’t real. Sadly, JK Rowling decided that she didn’t want this to happen. Reigning down the blows like lightning bolts, she banned the release and made a few people cry. She plans to release her own version one day. Probably when she runs out of people to sue for vague reasons.

Because she hasn’t been in the news for a while, JK Rowling has decided to publicly give the Labour Party a cool £1,000,000 because their policies to look after children are apparently the best and make her happy and jumpy. Hooray! She loves the children, and told BBC News:

“I believe that poor and vulnerable families will fare much better under the Labour Party than they would under a Cameron-led Conservative Party. Gordon Brown has consistently prioritised and introduced measures that will save as many children as possible from a life lacking in opportunity or choice.”

Did you manage to digest all that? Nope neither could we. For a woman who could buy us bacon rolls everyday for eternity, it strikes us as slightly odd that she’s complaining about how poor we are and how that miserable Scottish bastard of a Prime Minister can solve it. Send us all a cheque for £10, that’ll do just fine. Granted, it may be abused down a pub or casino but free stuff is always welcome.

But are Gordon Brown and JK Rowling actually working on something else? Are all state school being planned to be turned in to magic academies? Will pupils be turned into an army of wizards who’ll be trained to kill via a quick flick of a magic wand? We don’t know, but it could spark off a worldwide surge of book/TV tie in schools. America will launch the A-Team academy and Germany will pledge to have all its citizens fully fledged in the art of how to kill a person with a sausage.

Readers – we love you like we love our own mother.

And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead – you need to invest.

You know – invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson‘s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though – there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya – she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed – yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today – bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours – they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also – they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too – like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.

Okay, okay… so that isn't quite accurate.

The 80th Annual Academy Awards was in fact watched by 32 million Americans. Now, anyone who works in the rating business will tell you that 32 million people are not to be sniffed at. Hell, that's almost as many people as tuned in that time hecklerspray appeared on Blind Date (you know, the episode in which we took that midget to Legoland and snared her growth-deficient heart).

32 million viewers for the Oscars, though? That's nothing. That's pathetic. That's so darn depressing that Old Mr Statue is crying golden tears and getting ready to wrap a noose made of film reel around his neck. All with a soundtrack by John Williams, of course.

Sunday night's ceremony actually saw the lowest viewing figures for the Oscars since records began. The previous lowpoint was in 2003, when Steve Martin presented and Chicago won Best Picture – an evening so unremittingly mediocre that scientists across the world were obtaining scale-busting readings on their Tediumoters™.

What reason is being given for this disastrous performance? The fact that no-one actually went to see any of the nominated films is a prime suspect, and also a telling one. The highest ever viewing figures for the Oscars were recorded in 1998, the year that James Cameron's Titanic swept the board, and 55 million people switched on to watch L.A Confidential lose out to DiCaprio and Co.

All of which factors into hecklerspray's worldview quite well. The worldview being, of course, that people are stupid, and that had the Oscars been bestowing shiny figurines on idiot-fodder like Spider-Man 3 or Scary Movie 17, chances are that ten times the number of gawkers would have slumped before their TV sets, clapping and squealing whenever they showed a clip of that funny Adam Sandler pulling a face like he was doing a poo-poo.

Next year's line-up, then? Expect changes, people. There'll be no Coen Brothers masterpieces or respected French actresses getting those shiny gongs. Instead, we can presumably look forward to a nomination list that includes Extreme DeathRace 2050, Ghosts Of Mars 2, a remake of Cutthroat Island and the Wayan Brothers' latest Give Us Your Money, You Bunch Of Easily-Impressed Illiterate Shitbuckets.

Guest host: Paris Hilton.

Read More:

Sluggish Oscars Were Least-Watched Ever – ABC

Sometimes the easiest way to get near your idol is to follow them everywhere they go and tell them how much you love them. Unfortunately, this has been called “stalking” by the police and it means that our attempt to make Avril Lavigne more then just our MySpace friend won’t come true for a while yet.

Whilst transatlantic relationships are clearly not the way forward, it may be better to turn towards our own glorious nation to find the thing known as a 'woman'. In the nineties, blokes across the land couldn’t leaf through a magazine without seeing melon-bosomed Jordan parading across the cover. Her boobs showed no sign of stopping until the day she realised she looked a bit like a monster from Gremlins.

And, after having surgery to reduce them, you can now own the implants!

So what exactly could you do with two breast implants that at one point elevated the human gargoyle known as Jordan to an unsubtle 32G? Well, that mostly depends on whether you're a boy or a girl. For any ultra-hardcore flat chested female fans, owning Jordan's funbags would be the perfect opportunity to a) see what it's like to have boobs b) experience the thrill of having constant back and neck pain from comedy-sized tits as gravity pulls you down c) having the female equivalent of the Lynx effect as gangs of men – be it old, young, mature, perverted or pre-pubescent – approach you and stare at your chest while completely ignoring your probably beautiful face. 

As far as blokes go, Jordan's wobbly lumps would mean that instead of fondling the pages of softcore lad's mags, they could feel up Jordan for real. And the inner pervert in you will probably prod, push, feel, smell and squeeze the implants all night long. The really dirty minded of you may even try and persuade your other half to don them down her own bra, thus making some sort of super bionic women with mega breasts. 

Speaking about the implants, Jordan said: 

“All my friends have put them in their bra to see what they feel like. They're the size of a mini-pizza.”  

We don’t know about you, but we’ve just gone off mini pizzas. An image of women shoving McCain microwavable pizzas down their tops really doesn’t float our boat. What if the topping was to fall off? Imagine all that sausage and pepperoni getting everywhere; it would look like the person wearing it had some sort of messed-up looking nipple.   

So how much would a piece of booby history set you back? Sadly they're not going cheap and if you wanted to own these knockers, you’ll have to start saving now. Despite Jordan and her plastic-looking husband Peter Andre seemingly appearing in every trashy gossip magazine each week to tell us all about what’s gone tits up in their lives; they appear to be sort of a few quid. The asking price for the implants is one million pounds, with ten percent going to charity.  

Ouch. For that sort of money, we'd imagine the Nuts-reading generation would have to all chip in a pound each and, once enough money was raised, share the joy by posting the implants to each other. If not the common people of the world buying some boobs, who else would really want some worn-in bits of plastic?  

Actually, Cher hasn’t had any reported plastic surgery of late and Madonna's continued battle against ageing will probably force her to pump up her sagging figure. Problem solved then. 

Read More:

Jordan To Sell Implants For £1 million – Digital Spy