Hecklerspray » military

Awesome or Off-Putting: (Video) Finally – Undeniable UFO Proof That You Can Take All The Way To The Bank (Unless You Can’t)

Shawn Lindseth — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:00:29 +0000

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Roswell’s big problem is it’s all word of mouth. There are these tremendous claims of what went on there, but why believe a low-brow farmer? The same goes for Kecksburg. Sure, we’ve heard the military hauled out a tarp-covered something-or-other that was shaped like a gigantic acorn, but show us the pictures.

That said, there’s finally a UFO-crash discovery that was caught on film – and we owe it all to commie-riddled Russia!

There are only two pieces of news that ever come out of Russia. The first is that Joseph Stalin’s nipples used to bleed every Easter. Some say it was a heavenly reminder of his parents’ religion that he so casually cast aside. This news re-breaks every two years or so. Wait for it – you’ll see.

The second news story that always breaks from the formerly red country is that their babies are born with temporary-but-reappearing Koranic tattoos. They’ve got some crazy stuff going on over there – we’re tellin’ ya.

Imagine our surprise then, when we discovered this third story came out of the country where we thought they only had a two-template newspaper. It happened in 1968.

No doubt you’d like us to cut to the chase. Here it is as All News Web puts it:

“The Soviet Defense Ministry wrote in March 1969, Order No. 481 addressed to the Commander of the Air Defense Forces in the Sverdlosvsk Military Region Lieutenant General A.G. Ponomarenko. He was ordered to assist in every way the local KGB authorities in the operation “Sverdlovsk Midget” (small aliens), signed by the Deputy Commander in Chief of the USSR Air Defense Forces, Colonel General S.D. Lebedey, Seal stated, General Staff of the USSR Defense Ministry.

“In a second letter from November 3, 1969 on the KGB letterhead addressed to Deputy Chief of the Scientific Research Department KGB USSR, Colonel Grigoriev. The letter stated that on March 5, 1969 information was received about discovery of the unidentified object wreckage, 3 meter high and 5 meter in diameter with remains of small unknown human like creature, Operation called “Sverdlovsk Midget”.”

‘Sure,’ you say, ‘but that’s just a written account. There’s no video-graphic proof as promised in the particularly well-written title up there.’ Well you’re right – that headline is well written. And you’re right again – thus far we haven’t shown you the video.

We’ve got it though – it’s down below. And it shows a bunch of Russian military arriving on the scene and milling around the crashed half-saucer. Some of them pick up pieces, some of them circle the ship in reverent observance, and some of them are shooting video.

Know this though – some people, obviously, are screaming either ‘hoax,’ or ‘Grfff’ – it’s throaty Russian-language equivalent. The chief concern seems to be that if a spaceship crashed hard enough for half of it to apparently disintegrate, there should be more than a few felled trees given the angle – after all, this is in the middle of the woods.

The video excerpt we’re going to show you appears to be some random snippets from a documentary. It’s been edited together awkwardly mid-sentence in some places by whoever posted it to Youtube. It’s a touch distracting, but you get the gist of where they’re going with it.

Also – the narrator sounds like Roger Moore, so in a way this is another James Bond sequel.

Bet you didn’t expect to see a brand new James Bond when you went in to work this morning.

No go on – click the arrow.

Prince William Believes He Can Fly

Stuart Heritage — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:30:56 +0000

Prince William knows only too well that being second in line to the throne has its perks.

For instance, when you're going to be King Of England all sorts of lovely young girls routinely throw themselves at you even though you're an uppity rugby tosser with insane male pattern baldness, a near-incomprehensible speaking voice and a face like a pre-kiln Toby jug of an Easter Island statue made by the blind lady from that Lionel Richie video. Plus people let you fly fighter planes.

That's basically what we're getting at – someone's decided to let Prince William fly a fighter plane. That's about it.

Unlike his layabout brother Harry, who can spend the rest of his life groping girls and pretending that he doesn't want a DNA test, Prince William knows that one day he'll be King of England, and that he has to prepare mercilessly for the overbearing responsibility of waking up every day, eating a swan, opening a hospital, eating another swan, throwing a bit of a tantrum when people take his photo, eating another swan and then going to sleep on a waterbed filled with the tears of the poor.

Actually, there's a little more to it than that. As King, Prince William also automatically becomes head of the British armed forces. Leaving aside the terrifying thought that an 81-year-old woman is currently in charge of an entire nation's military firepower – something that, from our experience, leads us to believe that Britain will soon go to war with the council and all these young people with their music that's all bang bang bang – it means that Prince William needs to get ready for everything to come.

And, as head of the British military, Prince William needs to be able to fly a fighter plane, just in case the rest of the army all gets ill on the same day that there's an important country to bomb. So, starting from today, that's exactly what Prince William is learning to do. CNN reports on the start of Prince William's RAF training:

A defense ministry spokesman said William will first learn about modern air power and the traditions of the RAF. Then he is to begin flying lessons with several units, including support helicopter, search-and-rescue, air transport, and fighter aircraft. William will start his lessons in a training aircraft for fighter jet pilots, the defense ministry spokesman said. The prince will then learn to fly the four-passenger Squirrel helicopter.

Once that's done, Prince William will have achieved military experience in the army and the RAF, meaning that he'll just have to sail around the world in a Royal Navy submarine and he'll have got the hat-trick. Thus, able to kill foreigners on land, sea and air, Prince William will be able to lead the British Armed Forces effectively.

And if the man's got any sense, the first thing that Prince William will do is enrol his big-faced girlfriend to be the first one who charges into any conflict with a hunting knife clenched between her teeth firing a shotgun into the air. She needs the practise, you see.

Boozed-Up Sex Tape Star Jessica Sierra Banned From Army Gig

Stuart Heritage — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:30:46 +0000

There are two things that soldiers enjoy – one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another.

But that's not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn't want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape.

But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she'll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.

Long-forgotten American Idol reject Jessica Sierra is like the seedy flipside to our old friend Vanessa Hudgens. When Vanessa Hudgens got naked earlier in the year, there was a spirit of naive innocence about it which, rather than harming her career, actually enhanced it somewhat.

And while news of a Jessica Sierra sex tape and reports of her multiple arrests have made Sierra a bigger name than ever, it's hardly likely to enhance any career of hers apart from being the first choice of destination for grotty, filth-encrusted Florida cab drivers when obviously poor tourists ask them if they know where they can have a good time.

The Jessica Sierra story so far is an enduring classic – voted off American Idol early on two years ago, Jessica Sierra made a name for herself recently by getting arrested for throwing a cocktail glass at a man's head with cocaine in her possession, which she neatly followed up by getting in a drunken argument with police, resisting arrest, throwing up in the police car, racially and homophobically abusing some of the arresting officers, offering to suck off another officer if he'd let her go and then becoming the unfortunately-timed star of a soon-to-be-released internet sex tape.

Now, currently held in custody ahead of a court case that could see her spending up to 11 years in jail, Jessica Sierra has to face the sad fact that her services are no longer welcome at Friday's 'A Song for Their Service' holiday concert in Washington to honour serving members of the US military.

Jessica Sierra was due to perform at the concert alongside Mark Wills, Russ Lee, Melanie Dekker, Diana Nagy and a whole host of other singers we've never even heard of, but because of a rule stating that nobody can perform at military charity concerts if they've starred in a sex tape so depressingly cruddy-looking that it makes the final scenes of Requiem For A Dream look like Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium, organisers MoveAmericaForward.org have decided that she's no longer welcome.

Retired Air Force Lt. Col. Buzz Patterson said of Jessica Sierra in a statement:

"While we appreciate Ms. Sierra's past efforts to support U.S. troops, including performing for them in Iraq on Independence Day, it is quite obvious that Ms. Sierra needs to devote a great deal of time to putting her life back together."

But perhaps this is a good thing after all – Jessica Sierra's talents are obviously wasted singing a series of mid-level MOR cover versions at a wartime charity concert. That's why everyone has agreed that it's better for everyone if Jessica Sierra is airlifted to Fallujah and allowed to witlessly stumble around the city being arbitrarily aggressive to anyone she meets. That would surely bring about the end of the war for good, as it would result in hordes of Iraqi insurgents fleeing the country fearing for their lives because they thought there'd been some sort of horrible 28 Days Later-style zombie outbreak and that they'd all end up looking like her if she coughed blood into their eyes or something.