Teenage warbler and spawn of the devil (aka Billy Ray) Miley Cyrus,  recently ‘fessed up to being the raging pothead we all suspected at her 19th birthday party in Los Angeles.

Guest included, Kelly Osbourne and Rumer Willis, boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and of course her parents who were probably out the back, line-dancing through the piles of money they’ve  made from selling their child to the Disney factory.

Miley was presented with a Bob Marley cake and before devouring it face first, she gave a small speech, made up of words.

She said:

“You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Miley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed!”

She failed to mention whether the cake had ‘jam-in’ [we're sorry] but subtle as a brick in the face friend, Kelly Osbourne decided to try and be funny and distract everyone from the fact she was ramming fistfuls of cake into her handbag.

Referencing the 2010 incident where Miley was caught bonging herself into oblivion she laughed,

“I thought salvia was your problem!”

What? Could it be that in fact Miley wasn’t smoking perfectly legal salvia but in fact something much more fun-filled and arrest worthy?

Stop shouting “YES!!”, you have no proof.

Kelly, obviously aware that she’d come across as a complete shit-stirrer, ran to tweet and make sure everyone knew it was a joke, m’kay?

‘Let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her Bob Miley as a JOKE! The cake was also A JOKE.’

She kept digging that hole.

‘It makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called ‘friends’ would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!’

Um, isn’t that EXACTLY what you just did Kelly?

‘U guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possibly do all that is she was a stoner! #think (sic)

That’s a very good point daughter of Ozzy Osbourne.  We’ve never heard of anyone in the music business being able to maintain a career whilst using drugs.

However, Miley didn’t give two hoots and tweeted;

‘Can’t thank @MissKellyO for the best partyyyy ever! =]]]] i loveeeee you! Let’s just say there was a unicorn in the lobby!’

No. No there wasn’t.

Bloody hippies.

Here’s the stupid video.

We miss the days when Miley Cyrus had a Twitter account – back then she’d just carp on about her life all the time.

If you didn’t like it, you didn’t follow her. Which we didn’t, so we didn’t. But now Miley Cyrus has ditched Twitter, she’s decided to start crapping on about how much she hates Twitter all the time to traditional news organisations. And that’s much worse. What can you do if you don’t like it, switch off the news?

Hardly. So now we’re all forced to listen to Miley Cyrus blathering on about how dangerous she thinks the internet is, in a constant stream of tiny soundbites, with no escape whatsoever. You know what the perfect solution would be? If she got like a Twitter account or something.

Miley Cyrus – grand arch-deacon of spiritual depth that she is – is right about one thing. Young people these days are wasting their lives on social networks. They’re spending so long detailing every single aspect of their existence that they’re leaving themselves with no time to actually experience life first-hand. It’s much better to be like Miley Cyrus, who was once too busy tweeting all the time to enjoy her life, but is now too busy telling kids to stop tweeting all the time to enjoy her life. Or something. We’ve confused ourselves. Bugger.

Anyway, the internet has never been particularly kind to Miley Cyrus. When she used MySpace to post pictures of herself in various states of undress a few years ago, she got in trouble for it. When she used Twitter to post a picture of herself grinding against a chair in a tiny pair of hotpants, she got in trouble for that too. It must be a source of eternal disappointment that she never used Facebook to stalk and maim a stranger, because then she’d have made the hat-trick.

But that’s never going to happen, because Miley Cyrus has abandoned her ties to social networks in order to live a normal life. Now she’s free of Twitter she can do things that all normal teenagers do, like being bounced from professional obligation to professional obligation by a team of managers and publicists and home-tutors and stylists and drivers and lawyers and parents who all have a vested financial interest in her. That sort of thing.

Or at least that’s what she could do if she wasn’t so busy thwacking on about the dangers of the internet all the bastard time. Here’s what Miley told Movieline most recently:

“I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing… I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Of course, the irony of this is that you wouldn’t know that Miley Cyrus hated the internet unless you read it on the internet. And, because this is a story about Miley Cryrus yammering on in a way that suggests she’s got an over-inflated estimation of her own intelligence, it’s probably taken the shine right off your day. So Miley Cyrus was right about the internet all along. Oh, what an unpleasant situation for us all to be in.

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The world has a little less Miley Cyrus in it today, and some people are taking that to be a bad thing.

People are idiots. Anyway, the reason why there’s less Miley Cyrus in the world is because Miley has deleted her Twitter account, and her fans have overreacted so dramatically that Miley has had to use her blog to apologise to everyone.

In a way, we can see why everyone is so upset – if Miley Cyrus isn’t on Twitter, then which other celebrity Twitter user will regularly upload photos of themselves in various states of inappropriate undress? Elizabeth Taylor, we’ve never needed you so much.

You know how Miley Cyrus got to be where she is today? By allowing her parents to sell her childhood to a global entertainment corporation as part of a harrowing Faustian pact whereby they’d gain maybe a decade of increased material wealth? Well, yeah, that. But also it’s because everyone wants Miley Cyrus to be their friend.

It’s true. Everyone wants to hang out with Miley Cyrus and go to her weird underage knicker parties and see if her dad is really as creepy as he seems and listen to her verbalise every passing thought in her increasingly gruff Dr Claw-esque speaking voice. But because that’s both impossible and a little unsettling, the next best thing involved following Miley Cyrus on Twitter.

In fact, following Miley Cyrus on Twitter was even better than being her friend – not only could you keep up to date with her dazzling showbusiness anecdotes, but also decoding her berserk spelling, grammar and punctuation was even more challenging than trying to complete the Times crossword. It was the gift that kept on giving, provided that you enjoyed reading offensively grating missives of teenage self-promotion several times a day.

Notice the past tense, there. You see, Miley Cyrus has decided to delete her Twitter account. And, because she upset some weirdos in the process, she’s decided to blog about her decision to quit Twitter. Miley wrote:

You all are the closest thing to my heart & it breaks my spirit to hear that some of you feel neglected since I deleted my twitter. It was a wonderful way to stay connected to you & I really felt like during that time we became very much like friends… How can I whine about my life being to public if I am the one telling the world what I am doing? Some things in my life need to say in my life only and not on some gossip site… I just think kids all over the world could maybe take a little vacation from Cyberspace.

You read that? We broke her spirit! High fives all round!

Anyway, good for Miley Cyrus. It makes sense for her to delete her Twitter account because she’s tired of sharing her life with everyone, only to then immediately share the reason why she deleted it on her blog. Let’s hope that she never decides to delete her blog, because then she’d have to share the reason for that on Facebook.

And then if she deleted her Facebook account, she’d have to share the reason for that on MySpace.

And if she deleted her MySpace page, she’d have to share the reason for that on YouTube.

And if she deleted her YouTube channel then she’d have to come round to your house and personally share the reason for doing that directly to your face.

And that’d just be bloody horrible.

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Miley Cyrus is just like any teenage girl. So long as they’ve got millions of dollars, global fame and a terrifying thirst for power, too.

So Miley Cyrus understands teenage problems. Like when your dad hogs the jacuzzi and then buys you the wrong colour pony as an apology. Or when your older boyfriend gets all like “Sorry baby, I’m flying off to Monaco for a fashion shoot,” and you’re all like “Whatever.”

And, like all teenage girls, Miley Cyrus is conscious of her weight. We know this because someone called her fat and she won’t shut up about it.

There are certain things you can and can’t say about Miley Cyrus. You can say, for instance, that Miley Cyrus’ dad has a face that looks like a human vagina. You can say that Miley Cyrus has a speaking voice that makes her sound like the baddie in a terrifying East European educational cartoon about the dangers of playing near electricity pylons from the late 1970s. You can also say that Miley Cyrus speaks so fast, so often and with such an overwhelmingly unearned air of authority that sometimes you wish she’d just lock herself in a cupboard and stay there forever.

But you can’t say that Miley Cyrus is fat.

This is because Miley Cyrus isn’t fat. Everybody knows that she isn’t fat, thanks to her constant borderline-obsessive dedication to taking half-naked pictures of herself so often that you could probably make a fairly illegal four-hour flickbook animation of her if you stapled all the photos all together.

In fact, we’d even go as far as saying that anyone who claims that Miley Cyrus is fat deserves everything they get. And since ‘everything they get’ essentially means ‘weeks and weeks of annoying, over-exaggerated yap-yap-yap-yap from Miley Cyrus’, you can tell we’re being quite hardline about this.

So when some internet critics decided to make fat jokes about Miley Cyrus after she said something about her thighs jiggling recently, it was only a matter of time before Miley did then inevitable and fired back on Twitter with as much self-righteousness as possible. Reuters reports:

“Talk all you want. I have my flaws. I’m a normal girl there’s things about my body I would change, but stop calling me f*t,” she wrote. “I don’t even like the word. Those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words, the ones that scar people and cause them to do damage to themselves or others.” Cyrus said people spending too much time on gossip websites should read their Bible.

Jesus, you idiots. Look what you’ve done. We’re never going to hear the end of this now. Don’t you know that ‘fat’ is the worst thing you call a teenage girl like Miley Cyrus? It’s even worse than ‘self-obsessed’ and ‘deluded’ and ‘more annoying than everything else on Earth combined’.

Besides, as we’ve already said, Miley Cyrus isn’t even fat. Well, not at the moment, anyway. Give it 20 years until she starts using cakes and pies as a substitute for the drugs that she’ll invariably become addicted to at some point in the next decade, and then we’ll talk, OK?

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