Miley Cyrus is a busy girl – do you know how long it takes to cultivate a voice like an emphysemic pensioner?

Ages. And this racism stuff is holding that up. Because, sheesh, just because Miley Cyrus is photographed pulling a face that’s universally acknowledged to be offensive to Asians, it doesn’t mean that Miley Cyrus is a racist. Or at least that’s what Miley Cyrus has claimed in spectacularly bad-tempered apology, anyway.

So let’s end this. Miley Cyrus is definitely not a racist. And hopefully that will be proved in her upcoming movie: Miley Cyrus: God, Those Norwegians Are Wankers.

You have to feel sorry for Miley Cyrus. She’s just a normal girl trying to grow up in private, but she can’t because she’s so relentlessly laser-focused on being in as many films, TV shows, magazines, CD covers and obnoxiously ostentatious Disneyland birthday parties as is humanly possible.

And that means that when Miley Cyrus makes one of the perfectly normal mistakes that all teenage girls make, we all get to hear about it. After all, all teenage girls have photographed themselves in their underwear at one point or another. And all girls have photographed themselves wearing a wet T-shirt in the shower. And all girls have let internationally-recognised photographers shoot weirdly incestuous topless photographs of them with their dads.

And now Miley Cyrus just happens to be going through that perfectly normal teenage girl stage where they seem to go a bit racist and then don’t understand when people get offended.

Earlier this week, you’ll remember that a photo of Miley Cyrus in a preposterous slant-eye pose hit the internet. And the photo just about angered everyone who saw it – Asians were outraged that they were being mocked so openly, established racists were furious that Miley didn’t complete the look by putting a lampshade on her head and banging a gong, and everyone else was just pretty sick of having to look at another picture of Miley Cyrus.

So, to get her public image back on track, Miley Cyrus has taken to the internet to apologise. Well, maybe ‘apologise’ isn’t the right word…

“I’ve also been told there are some people upset about some pictures taken of me with friends making goofy faces! Well, Im sorry if those people looked at those pics and took them wrong and out of context. In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity! I was simply making a goofy face. When did that become newsworthy … It seems someone is trying to make something out of nothing to me. I definitely feel like the press is trying to make me out as the new ‘BAD GIRL’”

Look, we know it’s not much of an apology, but let’s all just thank our lucky stars that Miley didn’t write “Me so sollee” and move on, OK?

Besides, like Miley Cyrus said, it was just a goofy face, and she was in no way making fun of any ethnicity. And, just so that she can clear this up preemptively, if any photos emerge of Miley Cyrus in a sombrero and moustache trying to climb over a fence, or of Miley Cyrus wearing a shtreimel and hilariously guarding a bag of money, or of Miley Cyrus in a loincloth with a bone through her nose and boot polish all over her face, they’re just goofy poses too. Jeez, what’s wrong with you people?

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