After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

It’s bad enough being a prisoner and that learning your wife has been cheating on you on the outside at the best of times. But it must be even worse for Blake Fielder-Civil, because not only is his wife cheating on him on the outside but also everyone thinks he’s a dick. Seriously, everyone.

Although Amy Winehouse has been doing her best to be a model prisoner’s wife during Blake’s time in jail – by threatening to sic him on an entire crowd of paying fans and by yelling incoherently at him after a night on the crack – you have to remember that she is a woman foremost, and even drug-destroyed self-harming wastrels have needs.

So far, two of Amy Winehouse’s new lovers have been named – there’s Little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and My First Emo Pony – but now, with impeccable timing, comes a third. This time it’s one of Babyshambles. And not even the important one.

Apparently Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall, 76, has told friends of his that he also slept with Amy Winehouse, much to the consternation of his partner who – we think it’s fair to say – is probably going at her groin with a clump of bleach-soaked wire wool in case she’s caught anything as we speak. The Sun reports:

He is 15 years Amy’s senior, has a long-term girlfriend and has been bragging about his conquest and discussing a birthmark he reckons Amy has in an intimate place. A pal revealed: “He says they’ve slept together a couple of times. He told a few people after that stuff about her and Alex Haines came out. It’s always supposed to have happened when they’ve been on a bender. Telling people about her birthmark is his way of proving it happened. It’s male bravado.”

Yes, you see, Amy Winehouse has a birthmark that only people who sleep with her can see. It’s an unusual birthmark – it resembles several red needlemarks all over where her veins are – and it’s difficult to see under the inch-thick layer of scar-tissue, self-inflicted burn marks, crusted-up vomit, scabs, weeping open sores and chronic impetigo that covers Amy’s body like a manky exoskeleton, but it’s there and it’s incriminating.

However, despite this apparent constant cheating, it’s also been reported that Amy Winehouse has been visiting Blake Fielder-Civil in prison again. Maybe she’s decided that she wants him back. It’d certainly make sense – those three men she’s slept with might have provided her with some momentary pleasure, but would they ever beat a pub landlord’s face so heavily that he needs a metal plate surgically implanted into his head to hold it all together? No, and that is the real sign of being a man after all.

Read more:

Winehouse’s Lover Number 3 – The Sun