Popular culture is a wonderful thing, especially for the people that made those classic television shows, films, cartoons, songs etc. that were actually pretty rubbish in their original incarnation but are fondly remembered by those with a penchant for nostalgia as being the finest things ever crafted by human hands.

These are people who form pop culture opinion, the people who are talking heads on nostalgic talking head shows in which talking heads regale you with tales of how they sit down with a plateful of Findus Crispy Pancakes just in time to watch the latest episode of Baywatch. These people manage to create some kind of time-capsuled ‘tweet’ of what they had for dinner 25 years ago and share it later for money.

That’s the dream folks.

The question of what sees something slip into the annals of pop culture while some things pass unnoticed into the bargain bins of Blockbuster Videos all across the land. The thin criteria between ‘cult hit’ and ‘what the hell’s that?’ is most marked in the 80s’ action drama clique. Where shows like Knight Rider and The A-Team have become TV classics, shows like Airwolf struggle to get a repeat viewing on backwater freeview channels.

Is it about memorable characters, fine writing and excellent direction? No. If you can force a supernatural talking car in there, you’re pretty much onto a winner. That brings us to the concept of shoehorning in television. Anyone with a degree in media (or anyone for that matter) knows that if you overload a show with gimmicks, it doesn’t work. If you stick to one like transforming inanimate objects, a talking car or Pamela Anderson in a snug red swimsuit then you’ll be made in the shade.

This doesn’t apply to advertising. Please see Exhibit A below.

Let’s open with KITT, the car from Knight Rider performing a wonderful, screeching J-Turn into a parking space and then instantly receiving a parking ticket from the excitable warden on duty. Let’s forget the moral grey area of whether it’s Michael Knight or KITT himself who has to fork up £60 because even in the short to medium term, it doesn’t matter.

Especially not when that Müller truck is about to transform into a giant, gurning white orb. Of course, it’s a reference to Transformers but given that the rights to the Hasbro license would have been more expensive, they’ve gone for a terrifying rolling snowball with big dumb eyes and Inspector Gadget‘s arms. You’ll also be pleased to hear that Müller condone the consumption of traffic wardens, as long as you can transmogrify them into beloved Hanna Barbera characters. Yes, that’s right folks. It’s Yogi Bear, that famous traffic warden. In fact, the only link we can see between traffic wardens and Yogi Bear is that they both wear hats. There’s no shoehorning of references going on here though. None.

In a nod to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, the physiologically altered traffic warden doesn’t require the usual 13 years of psychological therapy needed to recover from such a fundamental trauma and instead shrugs off his new lot in life with a smile and a desire for pic-a-nic baskets.

Watch out though! There’s people on the streets of a city and Yogi looks terrified. “Look at them all,” he thinks, “I used to be just like you before I became a two-dimensional bear.” He’s terrified! Gaze with panic at what the transformation has done to this poor bastard’s fragile mental state.

Oh wait! All is well! Here comes another reference! It’s the Sony Bravia bouncing balls! Or, if you’re not into that, maybe it’s the Sony Bravia paint! Either way, it’s a reference to another advert which is pretty pathetic, even in amongst this moronic display of lip service to 3 millions childhoods. What do the balls do though? Surely they coat these drab looking business types in paint and everyone gets to play in glorious technicolour!

No. Instead they turn into Mr. Men. You’d think that’s all well and good, wouldn’t you? The Mr. Men are a loved part of many of our childhoods. Although, the Mr. Men are essentially one dimensional “people” marked out by their individual character flaw. Mr Lazy, for example, is lazy where as Mr Happy smiles in the face of death and destruction. These people in suits, these people with families and homes, mortgages and car repayments have been murdered and replaced with flawed cartoons. It’s all getting quite dark.

Luckily there’s some unicorn-driven chariots to pass by and distract us from the woe. Is that a reference to Charlie the Unicorn in there? The shape of the face is certainly similar. Could this be a wide-ranging reference to the chariot racing scene in Ben Hur? Is that a ridiculous stretch? Isn’t that the point?

We’ve had a think and we’re genuinely not sure what the small house is supposed to be. It’s not the gingerbread house from Hansel & Gretel but it could be the homestead from any Disney cartoon film ever. Luckily it’s saved from demolition by another Hanna Barbera mainstay, the conniving Muttley.

Muttley manages to throw a hammer made from a Müller rice pot into the demolition ball, sending it flying into the sky where it turns into a flock of colourful birds. It’s a definite rip-off of something but in deference to the ad’s dark undertones, we’re going to claim that it’s a tip of the cap to John Woo’s Hard-Boiled doves.

The ant carrying a giant pot of Müller yoghurt could be many things but in an effort to ensure that we don’t burst an aneurysm, we’re going to assume that this ant is just a really strong ant. It doesn’t stop there though. Even assuming the rainbow is just a rainbow, you might recognise those yoghurty hands that bundle up the clouds and send them on their rainy way. Could it be a subtle look in the direction of one Michael M. Mouse?

Probably.

This advert comes in at a whopping 1 minutes and 30 seconds which, if you assume the usual television advert lasts for only 30 seconds, the equivalent of a film in ad-land but in that relatively short space of time the people from the Müller dairy have managed to squeeze in FOURTEEN references to popular culture. That’s only the ones we noticed. Feel free to tell us if we missed any.

The dynamic may now have changed. In order to pass into the Cult Following Hall of Fame, you might have to be shoehorned into a confused, ill-considered advert from a yoghurt company hellbent on proving to the world how much money they have to throw away on paying for licenses for fictional characters from the past.

Snigger that into your fruit corner, Muttley.

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

Oh, sweet Cyrus, it’s all cosy now. You’re America’s golden child and the whole country has got your back. But soon you’ll want your freedom; you’ll want to go out to clubs and meet male people who’ll want to introduce you to Mr Winky!

You’ll probably find that you’re naturally inclined to like Mr Winky too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Miley, but you will be ashamed – because you’re the Disney girl.

Disney girls don’t do sex, they get impregnated by swirling kisses, their babies delivered to them by stalks, and as the DUIs and the rehab visits steadily increase as you fail to deal with the forever blossoming fact that nobody lives happily ever after in this horrible world, we’ll still be here, gawping at you and gawping at you, safe in the knowledge that your resultant disintegrating, achey-breaky heart was exactly what we were after.

That’s one potential future at least.

In the new pictures, she is standing fully-clothed in between Mickey and Minnie Mouse, all three of them with post-coitus-ish smiles stretched across their face.

We are not suggesting for one moment that Mickey, Minnie and Miley had a Disneyfied three-way – why would you even think that? The style of their smile is merely a coincidence. Not that we wouldn’t wish it upon Mickey – God knows he must be bored after a centuries worth of fucking that particular squeaky dullard. We bet he dreams of Minnie taking part in an Annie Leibovitz photoshoot!

God damn it Minnie! Rip that soccer-mom dress off, open up your spindly-kegs, show Mickey the rat of the mouse and finally give him something worthwhile to write home to Pluto about.

There were rumours that Disney wanted to cease all links with Miley after she showed her back breasts to the world, but they’re pretty much ended now with this photo-shoot, along with her upcoming performance at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday.

Stay tuned for all the latest Miley Cyrus news, coming to you from a world called hecklerspray.

Read more – Miley Cyrus back in squeaky-clean mode after topless shoot – Telegraph