Well this is a turn-up for the books – after a fortnight of waiting for something, anything, to happen, Celebrity Big Brother just got exciting.

On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.

But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…

Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we’re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we’re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don’t know.

Coolio – This year’s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show’s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He’s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody’s one-armed lesbian mother, and he’s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that’s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio’s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.

LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won’t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she’s done arse-all else.

Michelle Heaton – OK, we’ll come out and say it. We don’t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That’s not to say that we think she’s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she’ll become so dehydrated that the only way she’ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that’s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.

Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.

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Yes, you read that correctly – this Friday one of four housemates will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother, and none of them are Coolio.

Instead, Ulrika Jonsson, Tina Malone, Michelle Heaton and Mutya all gained the most amount of nominations from their fellow housemates. Who goes? You decide. Or rather a bunch of crosseyed numbskulls who think that voting for Celebrity Big Brother evictions is a constructive recreational activity will decide. Or something.

So for the rest of the week we’ll be looking at the prospective Celebrity Big Brother evictees, starting with Mutya and Ulrika…

Mutya – We’ll admit to being a teensy bit surprised that Mutya has been placed up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction when, say, Coolio hasn’t. Of course, the message here is perfectly clear – if you want to be a shrieking, attention-seeking bellend who routinely makes cracks about beating up women, that’s fine. But if you want to be a decent-seeming popstar whose only crime appears to be displaying a keen sense of personal dignity? Ugh! Get out! Get out you disgusting witch! But maybe Mutya’s self-assurance is to blame here – after all, in that song of hers she did say “I know ezzakly who I am.” Maybe that’s why she’s been nominated for eviction from the Celebrity Big Brother house – constant mispronunciation of the word ‘exactly’. The massive bitch.

Ulrika Jonsson – This has got to sting for Ulrika Jonsson. Two weeks in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and two weeks of eviction nomination. It’s almost like society frowns on obnoxious self-righteous former ladettes with four kids by four men, isn’t it? Weird. Anyway, judging by the smattering of halfhearted cheers that Ulrika got during last week’s eviction, we would bet against her leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Well, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for our suspicion that Big Brother is still going to bring Nancy Dell’Olio in soon, which means we can expect three days of extremely positive Ulrika coverage so the plot isn’t blown. Then again, Tina Malone is also up for eviction, and Big Brother would have to make Ulrika look like a baby murderer for her to look less popular in comparison, surely.

Tomorrow: Tina Malone.

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The Celebrity Big Brother house has changed drastically in the absence of Lucy Pinder. How? Well, um…

Oh alright, the Celebrity Big Brother house hasn’t changed in the slightest since Lucy Pinder was evicted on Friday, mainly because the poor girl had all the charisma of a pebble. Honestly, we started hitting the side of our TV during Lucy’s eviction interview because we thought her weird droning voice was some sort of manufacturer’s defect.

But anyway, now that Lucy Pinder is gone, how are the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates holding up? Here’s our week two look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson, Michelle Heaton and Mutya…

Ben Adams – All boyband members fulfill different roles – typically there’s a rough one, a gay one, one who can actually sing etc – and judging by Ben Adam’s time in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far, we’d guess that he probably wasn’t A1’s interesting one. As personable as he appears to be, there’s no mistaking the fact that Ben’s sole contribution to Celebrity Big Brother so far has been a slightly meandering anecdote about a girl he met who ordered some quite expensive things at a restaurant once. Fact – if Ben Adams leaves Celebrity Big Brother, nobody will notice he’s gone.

Coolio – Without question, Coolio has become Celebrity Big Brother’s most polarising figure, splitting the house into those who can’t stand the sight of him and those who really can’t stand the sight of him. Make no mistake, Coolio’s a dead cert to run away with the next round of eviction nominations, and then it’ll fall to the public to judge how popular he is. But Coolio can’t be all bad, can he? After all, he manage to bully Lucy Pinder into showing a flicker of emotion, and we’ve heard that’s pretty much impossible.

LaToya Jackson – Anyone hoping that LaToya Jackson would be identical to her silent, even-handed brother Jermaine in the Celebrity Big Brother house must be a little disappointed. It turns out that LaToya is a strange mixture of the manipulative, the conniving and the relentlessly downbeat – as evidenced by the weird naive little girl act she pulls whenever she wants something and all her whiny backstabbing to Coolio. At the moment, LaToya Jackson is easily the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother contestant – something that’ll come back to haunt the other housemates when she stabs one of them to death in the sleep while cackling like a maniac. It’ll happen, kids.

Michelle Heaton - And if LaToya Jackson is the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother housemate, then Michelle Heaton is easily the most overestimated. We all assumed that she’d be all paranoid and spiteful and attention-seeking, but she’s not. She’s not anything. When God was handing out personalities, he accidentally gave Michelle Heaton a vast bottomless quarry that nothing could ever escape from. Still, at least she’s got a pseudo-romance with Ben Adams going on, and that’s nice to watch because it’s clear that Ben is Michelle’s intellectual equal. Admittedly, most teacups are Michelle’s intellectual equal too, but have you ever tried having sex with a teacup? It’s really bloody hard.

Mutya – We’ll admit that we had Mutya all wrong. We were expecting a snarling, punchy ghetto girl prone to surliness and tantrums, but we haven’t seen that side of Mutya at all in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far. In fact, she’s been sort of nice. So maybe it wasn’t her who started all the fights in the Sugababes after all. It was Heidi! Let’s all go and burn her house down instead! But back to Celebrity Big Brother – Mutya’s got the inoffensive-and-quiet third place spot locked down. Mark our words.

Tomorrow: Our Celebrity Big Brother look at Tina Malone, Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer.