Oprah Winfrey is big. We’re not talking physically big here. That’s a given.

We’re talking about an ego so freakin’ enormous that it operates like a gargantuan black hole, physically and spiritually swallowing up everything in sight – man, woman, child, baby back ribs, U.S. First Ladies – you name it.

Well, just when we thought that we understood the awesome light and matter-consuming force that is Oprah, she goes and does something completely uncharacteristic of someone whose personal fortune was not built on prattling on and on about Oprah. Turns out, Oprah has ushered in a brave new world where people other than Oprah are seen on the cover of Oprah’s magazine, O (for Oprah).

We have to admit that we were blindsided with the news that Oprah had magnanimously opted to share the front cover of O magazine’s April issue with someone not named Oprah. Turns out, the universe is also occupied by another sentient being named Michelle Obama. Huh. That is some messed up shit.

According to Oprah’s editorial, she decided to make room for the U.S. First Lady in an attempt to keep the cover of O “looking fresh”, and sure enough the feature interview is chock full of fresh, yummy details regarding Michelle’s shoes, exercise regimen and decorating style. Gloria Steinem, your head may explode now.

Oprah’s newfound inclusiveness however comes to a full, screeching stop near the end of the interview when Oprah returns to her favourite subject, Oprah:

Oprah: A reporter who once interviewed me ten years after she’d first met me said, “Gee, you’re the same person—but it feels like you’ve become more of yourself.”

Becoming more of yourself…hmmm…

A word of caution to the patrons of all-you-can-eat buffets everywhere. Never, ever approach Oprah when she is in the process of becoming more of herself. Just back away slowly, and discreetly gesture to the manager. Our prayers will be with you.

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The US general election is right around the corner, by which we mean that it’s weeks and weeks and weeks away.

But that hasn’t stopped everyone wigging out about it, though. It’s been reported that people are so behind Barack Obama this year that 22.3 million people watched Monday’s Democratic convention speech by his wife, Michelle Obama. 22.3 million people watching a woman basically just bang on about her feelings for ages? That’s impressive. Mental, but impressive.

You can tell from this that things are really gearing up for Barack Obama, and things are definitely falling into place for that fateful day when he inevitably loses the election and everyone goes home feeling a bit deflated.

As sensible, well-educated individuals, it’s only natural that your primary news source for the American general election should a British celebrity blog whose recent high-point was a list of some films that are funny if you’re shitfaced. And, people, we’re not going to let you down.

At this very moment the status of the presidential nominees look like this: Madonna thinks John McCain is all skanky and old and evil, while Barack Obama makes Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son’s heart go bingy bing bong. That’s just about as cut and dried as things can ever be.

And yet, somehow, the considered opinion of political heavyweights like Madonna and Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son aren’t enough to sway everyone. And that’s why the Democratic National Convention is currently taking place. It’s basically like a photocopier toner salesman convention except with either more or less whores, depending on how much photocopier toner salesmen like whores.

And such is the strength of feeling about the Democratic National Convention that 22.3 million people tuned in to watch a speech by Barack Obama’s wife Michelle Obama. No wonder – Michelle Obama has presented The View and won a contest about who wears the nicest clothes. She’s just like Princess Diana, if Princess Diana had done either of those things.

Anyway, if you’re one of the weirdos who didn’t watch Michelle Obama’s convention speech, here’s a sample of what you missed:

“I come here as a Mom whose girls are the heart of my heart and the center of my world – they’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night.”

Other topics covered by Michelle Obama in the speech included ‘Blah Blah Blah Iraq’, ‘Blah Blah Blah Economy’ and ‘Blah Blah Blah Honest Working Class Blah Blah Blah’. It’ll be out on DVD soon. Jesus is doing the commentary, apparently.

Although it’ll be interesting to see whether or not Cindy McCain’s speech at next week’s Republican National Convention gets the same audience figures – chances are it won’t because her topics are thought to include ‘Blah Blah Blah I’m Old’, ‘Blah Blah Blah I Don’t Care About You People’ and ‘Blah Blah Blah Kicking Orphans Down A Well Is My One True Love’ – there is still one disappointment regarding Michelle Obama’s speech.

Even though 22.3 million people watched her, that’s still five million less than the average viewing figures for the Olympics. It’s easily solved, though. Next time, more Lycra please Michelle.

There’s nothing we like more than a best-dressed list – apart from, ooh, everything else is the world that isn’t a best-dressed list.

So imagine our delight when we discovered that Vanity Fair has just published its international best-dressed list for 2008. A big list of people who are primarily best-known for being able to buy, choose and wear clothes without ending up looking like big a pile of sweaty bumrags? Who wouldn’t love that!

Especially when the Vanity Fair best-dressed list contains such notable names from the world of entertainment as three-time Academy Award-winner Barack Obama’s wife, multi-platinum recording artist Prince William’s girlfriend and regional puppy-juggling contest semi-finalist Nicolas Sarkozy’s missus. Boy, do they know how to wear clothes adequately.

We never thought we’d ever say this – and we’d happily take a slap on the cheek from any of you for saying it – but don’t you miss Kate Moss?

No, us neither most neither most of the time to be honest. But now that Kate Moss has been usurped as supermodel du jour by that funny-looking Agyness woman, it makes things a lot more uncertain when best-dressed lists rolled around.

Time was when you knew that Kate Moss would be named as the world’s best-dressed woman no matter what magazine was publishing the list. But she’s not around so much any more, so who else is there to call best-dressed?

Michelle Obama, apparently. According to the just-out Vanity Fair best-dressed list, Barack Obama’s wife Michelle literally wears clothes better than anyone else on the face of the earth. Forget lobbying for universal healthcare, it’s deeply important that potential first ladies know which way up a blouse goes.

Anyway, why did Vanity Fair call Michelle Obama the best-dressed person in the world?

“Because she’s our commander in sheath.”

What? Seriously, that’s your reason? Because she’s your commander in sheath? What does that even mean? Isn’t a sheath a condom? You like Michelle Obama because she wears condoms? That’s such an odd thing to say, Vanity Fair.

But never mind. You like Michelle Obama because sometimes she walks around in giant person-sized condoms. That’s fine. Who else is on the list? Carla Bruni? Why is she there?

“Because we like her French twist.”

OK, we sort of get it. She is French, after all. You’re forgiven, Vanity Fair. Who else? Kate Middleton?

“Because we’re throwing her hats in the ring.”

You’re what? What ring? Does Kate Middleton wear a lot of hats? Is she famous for that? Why are you throwing her hats into the ring? Because you like them or because you don’t like them? You need to explain yourself a bit better, Vanity Fair. But, hey, at least you put some thought into your reasoning. It’s not like you just rattled off the first rubbish pun based on her name that you could think of. That’d be awful, it really would. Wait, what’s this?

BROTHERS ANDREA and PIETRO CLEMENTE “Because they’re the crème de Clemente.”

MORLEY SAFER “Because he always plays it Safer.”

IRIS APFEL “Because she’s the Apfel of our eye.”

SISTERS ALEXANDRA KOTUR and FIONA KOTUR MARIN “Because they’re Koturs de force.”

BRYAN LOURD “Because he is the Lourd of the manner.”

Oh fuck off, Vanity Fair. Just fuck off.