Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

Michelle Heaton? Who’s that? Any non-UK readers might not be familiar with her portfolio of work.

Before we spawned people like Leona Lewis via X Factor, we had Popstars. She failed to make the cut in winning band and had to form a loser group called Liberty X. After a few years of vague success, that went belly up and now she’s famous for being Jordan’s poor quality mate.

When reality stars fail, they still try to hang out and squeeze more fame for themselves wherever possible. People like Michelle Heaton, who doesn’t know the meaning of the word failure, she just keeps on trying to come back bigger and stronger. But inevitably failing. Want to see her doing just that for Ireland’s version of The Apprentice? Of course you do, after the jump.

Realisation still hasn’t kicked in for Michelle Heaton. Hailing from Newcastle, she is in the back of the queue when it comes to the popularity stakes. Standing in front of her are Cheryl Cole, the toothy mouthed kid who just won X Factor, Ant and his mate Dec, Jimmy Nail and loveable drunk Gazza. Hell, even the man who invented Gregg’s bakery comes from the North-East.

We didn’t know that Ireland had a version of The Apprentice and neither, we assume, did half the population of the country. There is no powerful gimp like Sir Alan Sugar telling the contestants they couldn’t sell sausage sandwiches to fat woman at a gym whilst his smirking sidekicks kiss his arse and nod furiously.

All of the top celebrities must have been busy when the producers of the show rang round asking for people to help eventual winner Steve Rayner launch a brand new type of Ford Fiesta. Perhaps Bono was busy preaching to the world or flogging Blackberries to supposed trendy people. Either way, the definition of celebrity must have temporarily been lowered to allow Michelle Heaton in.

Taking a bit of cloth off a car clearly showed she was out of touch with hard graft, and ahe failed to do the task properly. Still, we’ve heard that Michelle will have plenty of time to recover for her next bit of work. Playing a giant bunny in an Easter celebration pageant in Stoke.

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As we speak, Celebrity Big Brother is gearing up to evict its second housemate tonight – but who will it be?

Ulrika, Michelle, Mutya and Tina are all facing the chop tonight, which some say proves that the housemates this year are all misogynists. Not so, we say, because LaToya Jackson wasn’t nominated. Unless you count LaToya Jackson as a sort of half-robot, half-reptile, half-ghost hybrid, that is. Which we do. We’re not sure what our point is here.

Anyway, we’ve looked at Mutya, Ulrika and Tina, so here’s what we think of Michelle Heaton’s chances. Ready?

Michelle Heaton – Either Michelle Heaton is the victim of a malicious campaign by the Celebrity Big Brother producers to constantly show her in a negative light or she really is like that all the time. We’re praying it’s the former, because we genuinely don’t want to believe that a human being can be as weepy and pointless and emotionally manipulative as she is. Also, we’ve seen how much Michelle Heaton’s face swells up when she cries, so we’re pretty sure she can’t cry all the time – if she did her face would balloon up and probably explode in a puffy, annoying mess. Michelle Heaton is an awful person, plus her eyebrows look funny, plus she can’t decide which accent she wants. For these reasons we’d quite like her to be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight. Thanks.

Next week: Even more Celebrity Big Brother claptrap.

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