She’s destroyed Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has a thing for Nazi uniforms and looks like a redneck Na’vi.
Nice work, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee! You don’t don’t do things by half, do you? When you set out to become one of the most reviled people on the planet, you do absolutely everything you can to get there. Everything except for taking out a contract hit on Sandra Bullock, obviously. Because, clearly, that would be a smidgen too far.
That didn’t stop the FBI from allegedly investigating a claim that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee had organised for Sandra Bullock to be murdered, though. Fortunately it didn’t take long to reveal that the claims were bogus, which is just as well. Imagine if all other women tried to kill their lover’s wife. Elin Nordegren would have to live in a lead-lined panic room for the rest of her life.
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Great news! Yes, Sandra Bullock may be devastated because her husband cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi fetishist.
But it’s not all bad. Because now the tattooed Nazi fetishist feels remorse. That’s right - Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has apologised to Sandra Bullock for all that sex she had with Jesse James. She didn’t apologise directly – she did it on TV – but we’re sure that Sandra Bullock saw it nonetheless.
Hang on, what? Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia? What’s the point of that? Honestly, she may as well have gone the whole hog and apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia under her breath in Esperanto wearing a full-body disguise inside an airtight nuclear bunker for all the good it’ll do. You know, we’re starting to think that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee might not be the trustworthy model citizen we think she is.
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Gentlemen, next Valentine’s Day why not show your lady how much you love her by repeatedly shagging a tattoo model?
It works. Looks at Jesse James. He’s married to Sandra Bullock and, because Sandra Bullock is a movie star and already has enough flowers and jewellery and fancy dresses, the only way he can accurately express his love for her is to find the closest tattoo model – uncomfortable fixation on Nazi memorabilia preferred but not essential – and secretly shag her brains out for 11 months. It’s adorable.
True, Sandra Bullock may have misinterpreted Jesse James’s infidelity as a marriage-ending personal insult, but it wasn’t meant like that. After all, Jesse James’s lawyer has released a statement saying that Jesse loves Sandra ‘more than anything in his life’. Sandra’s so lucky – we wish that someone would love us more than they love screwing Nazi fetishists with fish scrawled all over their arms.
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It looks like the marriage between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James is finally over, and it’s time to divide the stuff.
Sandra, obviously, keeps the Oscar. Jesse gets to keep that funny little dog of his. And then there are Jesse James’s children – Chandler, Jesse Jr and Sunny. Who gets to keep those? Jesse James? Surely not – he’d only end up covering them in berserk fish tattoos to try and pretty them up. They’re not biologically hers, but could Sandra Bullock step in and win custody of them after the divorce?
In a word, no. There were rumours to the contrary, but Sandra Bullock’s rep has now firmly denied that she’s going to try to adopt the kids. And why should she? After all, she’s an Oscar-winning actress – soon enough she’ll have so many adopted African babies to care for that she’ll barely have time to look after anyone else.
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Looking back it seems obvious that Jesse James would cheat on Sandra Bullock with Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee.
She’s got everything. A tattoo of an effeminate fish on her arm. A middle name that rhymes with her first name. Everything. Meanwhile, what’s boring old Sandra Bullock got? A best actress Oscar, a face that doesn’t move properly and a depressing dearth of tattooed cursive running right the way across her forehead. Ugh. Who’d want that?
Luckily, someone has now seen fit to stand up for Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee. Yes, it’s her dad so technically it doesn’t count and, yes, he obviously loves his daughter so much that he’s willing to overlook that time she dressed up as a Nazi. But at least he knows that she’s sorry. It’s written all over her face. Or at least something‘s written all over her face. She is a tattoo model, after all.
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You don’t want to mess around with Sandra Bullock. Anyone who’s seen any of her films knows that only too well.
So we feel for Jesse James today. He’s finally apologised for his 11-month affair with Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee – a woman primarily known for having a fish with eyelashes tattooed on one of her arms – and God only knows the punishment she’s going to dole out to him. She might drive him around on a bomb-bus like in Speed, or be slightly racist to him like in Crash, or embark on a madcap chalk-and-cheese roadtrip with him that ends with the realisation that – even though they’re so different – they’re actually in love like in every other film that Sandra Bullock has ever made.
Either way, Jesse James should be worried. That was our original point.
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When Kate Winslet split up from her husband, everyone was all like “Ha ha! It’s the curse of the Oscars!”
And then they were all like “Ha ha! Watch out Sandra Bullock!” Which was funny, because Sandra Bullock appeared to have one of the strongest marriages in Hollywood. Except now it turns out that maybe that wasn’t the case – it’s being reported that her heavily-tattooed husband Jesse James allegedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.
We don’t know what caused Jesse James to allegedly stray from Sandra Bullock like this, but maybe it’s because he found her to be too emotionally cold. Jesse, you idiot, she isn’t emotionally cold! She just can’t move her face very much because of all the surgery she’s had on it! Jesus, men are such pigs!
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She’s destroyed Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has a thing for Nazi uniforms and looks like a redneck Na’vi.
