And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ’sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best’s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.

Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.

Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!

Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.

Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”

It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.

With Janet Jackson’s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.

It turns out when you add up the stuff from the lives of all the Jackson Five members, there appears to be an achievement in there somewhere, or something. So, let’s give them a lifetime achievement award, shall we?

Be sure to tune in to the award ceremony for the exciting activity where you have to match up pictures of the group from the past and present. If you’re good enough to score 100% you’ll be awarded one of the last un-repossessed llamas from Neverland Ranch.

Don’t get too excited, though. Nobody’s ever won one.

Everyone deserves an award. Especially if you’re a member of the Jackson Five. Whether it be ‘the most siblings in one family to have enough bad nose jobs, thus making them all look like Cabbage Patch dolls’, or ‘the greatest number of sleepovers to date’, the Jackson brothers have a load of shining achievements to boast.

This is why Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Marlon, and Jackie Jackson will receive a lifetime achievement award at the BMI Urban Awards on September 4th. Surprisingly, all of the brothers except Michael were able to cancel their dates with nothing, leaving them free to appear in person and accept the award. The attendance of Michael and his surgical mask is still in question at this point.

It is quite an honor for the Jackson Five to receive this lifetime achievement award, especially since the success of the group is localized largely between about 1966-1972, which is an interesting amount of time when categorizing a “lifetime”. But hey, if we convert that to dog years it turns out to be more like 42 years, which is much more respectable. So we’ll just go ahead and rename this the BMI Lifetime Achievement Awards Doggy-style.

Zing!

Okay, we really should give credit where credit is due: Jermaine. It’s Jermaine that has earned the award, no question about it. Praise be to Jermaine. For as any musical historian will tell you, it is Jermaine skipping around in pink and blue pyjamas singing “Dynamite” that constitutes an eternal achievement award for this life and whatever kitchen appliance he may be reincarnated as after he dies.