Janet Jackson has had a funny ol’ career hasn’t she? At first, she was pretty much derided and then, at some point in the ’80s, she unleashed a record that sounded like RnB as realised in a dark, dystopian future.

Then, someone cupped her boobs and she made an album that soundtracked the impregnating of millions of women. Fast-forward a chunk and there she is, in the middle of a sports arena with her tit hanging out.

It’s not surprising that our Janet is a bit messed-up in the head. She’s had some spotlight of her own and of course, had the glare of her brothers’ spotlight blinding her too. This isn’t helped by the fact that Michael ‘Oooh, he can’t do a pissing thing wrong because he did stuff for charity’ Jackson bullied the life out of her when she was little. The big shit.

Janet has revealed that her big brother used to rib her when she was young, mainly about her arse. Collectively, the Jackson brothers would howl nice words like “horse,” “pig” and “cow” at her.

What a pleasant bunch.

Of course, this haranguing and verbal abuse made Janet immensely insecure about her looks. Some of you are probably thinking ‘well… she was a bit fat once upon a time…’. You monsters. You’re worse than the Jackson brothers and they’re all clearly monumental gits.

Janet says:

“I would literally bang my head up against the wall because I didn”t feel attractive,”

“There was a lot of pain in my life. But I did. I felt very unattractive”

Like all victims of name-calling, she used to laugh off the needless taunts. Rather than confronting Michael, the dastardly ringleader, about his hurtful words, she simply got all that pain and swallowed it whole. MJ fans will no doubt try and pass this off as the folly of youth and proffer that Michael grew as a person or was probably feeling hurt himself.

Yeah. Apologists. You’re the kind of monsters who would defend someone for killing someone else aren’t you?

On a cheerier note, Janet Jackson will be earning money from her childhood trauma in her book True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself, which will be published on February 15.

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Michael Jackson’s new LP has caused a fair amount of debate. MJ die-hards have, for the most part, been fawning over it before even hearing it. The rest of us have been slagging it without hearing it.

Basically, we’re all as bad as each other, just as different ends of the spectrum. Either way, it would appear that this new release isn’t going to hit the heady heights that previous LPs have, according to the chart positions.

In fact, poor ol’ Michael Jackson’s ghost is being outsold by Taylor Swift!

Before any of you Michael Jackson nutters start kicking off, we are aware of the fact that the new ‘Michael’ LP (a weirdly titled album. We expected ‘Legend‘ or ‘Beatified’ or something… not ‘Michael’… that sounds like someone doing the register in class) has topped the charts in countries like Italy, Germany, Holland and Sweden.

That noted, these countries aren’t exactly to be trusted for their musical tastes. While Germany may have given us Neu!, Kraftwerk and Can, they also love Heino and David Hasselhoff. Sweden may have given us The Cardigans and ABBA, but they also gave us Roxette and Ace of Base. Holland? 2 Unlimited. Italy? Mussolini.

Elsewhere, ‘Michael’ hasn’t done nearly as well as imagined. In the US, the album charted at number 3. In Canada and Belgium it landed at number 2. In Japan, it crept into the third spot while in Britain, France and Denmark, it sits at a pretty disappointing number 4.

In America, the posthumous release was expected to fetch first-week sales of 400,000, but alas, it snared at paltry 228,000. To put that in context, 259,000 copies of Taylor Swift’s ‘Speak’ flew off the shelves in its first week.

*cue people sneering ‘yeah, but will we know who Taylor Swift is in 30 or 40 years time? [adopts sarcastic voice] I don’t think so!*

Worse still is that ‘Michael’ is being outsold by Susan Boyle. You read that right. Susan Boyle is outselling the supposed King of Pop.

Now, who would like to come forward and start defending Jackson and telling us all how inspirational he’s been, how much he gave to charity and wonder what the hell we’ve ever done for anyone, ever?

Floor’s yours geeks.

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Occasionally, we ask ourselves questions that no doubt keep countless others awake at night. Not the boring ones such as “why are we here?” and “what’s the meaning of life?” Crikey, those questions are for geeks who discover weed for the first time at university.

Instead, the burning issues on our mind include “where does the mythical kebab animal live?” and “would Ne-Yo have been called Yo-Yo if it wasn’t for the playground craze?”

Anyway, while Michael Jackson fans have thrust upon the release of newly released material, some people are much more sceptical, preferring that the songs from “Michael” weren’t released. Probably because the music contained on the album isn’t up to scratch on previous records. Now for no reason at all, Ne-Yo has thrown his opinion around.

If any of Michael Jackson’s fans hail this latest album as a work of genius, then we wouldn’t be surprised to see fellow fans bullying those individuals with such ridiculous claims. We have listened to “Michael” and been surprised at certain elements.

However the majority of the time has spent wondering why it was released in the first place. Then we remembered, money is involved, the Jackson family are involved and record sales are down.

Combine these three ingredients together and the eventual outcome is nothing but greed and exploitation. Let’s face it; Michael Jackson is still an iconic figure despite being dead for over a year. But place his image on anything from a lunchbox to a range of bondage gear; you’d have people queuing for hours in the freezing cold in order to buy one.

That said, if we were to point the main finger of blame anywhere, it wouldn’t be with Joe Jackson who desperately wants to cash in, instead our attention turns to the record company.

According to reports, ten albums over seven years are planned for release in one of the biggest album deals ever. With records at an all time low in terms of sales due to the increase in illegal downloading, Sony have been forced to make a move like this.

They know people will buy in to the crap they dish out, therefore making an easy return on their investment. Where will the money go? Nobody will tell us, but we are confident that it won’t be used to invest in new musicians. The past will be recycled at a price.

Fellow musician Will.I.Am has already stated that he disagrees with the release of unheard Michael Jackson material. Taking a similar viewpoint to the Black Eyed Peas star, Ne-Yo is reported to have said:

“Jackson’s insistence on perfection would have prevented many of the songs from ever being made available to the public. If Michael was still alive, I don’t think the album would be out yet. I’m not really trying to hear it. I’m gonna stick to my old Mike.”

We agree with Mr. Ne-Yo. The album probably wouldn’t even be in the pipeline due to his questionable health prior to his extensive gig run at London’s O2 arena. Once he made enough money through those tour dates, he probably could have retired quite comfortably. Though randomly dying didn’t help.

Unless of course he’s recording a secret album on an island with 2Pac, Princess Diana, Captain Beefheart and Johnny Cash.

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All new Michael Jackson releases will be subjected to the same question – Is that really him singing? On the strength of new single, ‘Hold My Hand’, fans really should be crossing their fingers and saying “I hope to fuck it isn’t!”

Seriously. Forgetting Jackson’s turbulent personal life for a moment, Michael was a man who achieved truly great things on record. His work in the ’80s was at times, breathtaking and astonishing in depth and range.

From synth-soul, to tender ballads, right up to crazed digital rock and irresistible disco, Jackson knocked out great songs like he wasn’t even trying. And then he got lazy.

Michael Jackson is always regarded to be an explosive pop star, but often, he was equally brilliant when laid back. Look at ‘Rock With You’ for an example of how infectious he could be when taking it easy. Even tracks like ‘Human Nature’ saw an effortless MJ bowling everyone over while sounding like he was recording in his socks.

However, post-Dangerous, Jackson lost his way, creating needlessly pompous tracks like ‘Earth Song’ and the saccharine damp squibbery of ‘You Are Not Alone’, the latter, so slow and vapid that at times, it sounded like a once great performer backed by a dripping tap.

And so, when he passed away and people took stock of how good he used to be (as well as lazily wheeling out the whole ‘HE TOUCHED KIDS HURHURHUR’ jokes – seriously, Jackson’s personal life was rich in targets for jokes and you continue to focus on that?), we all knew there would be material from the vaults.

Those with an ear to the ground half-hoped that, perhaps, Jackson’s later output was blighted by ego, and really, there would be a room full of great throwaway pop ready to hit our ears. Forget all that moral chest beating – we like MJ best when he lays a great bassline on us… right?

And so, ‘Breaking News’ leaked out and echoed the Michael Jackson that always had one eye on the dancefloor. However, sadly, the first single proper from his new album ‘Hold My Hand’, featuring the entirely loathsome Akon, sees that disappointing, saccharine Michael Jackson many of us haven’t missed at all.

This isn’t the first time MJ has got the pointless Akon on board in an ultimately futile attempt to sex things up. Remember the utterly hapless revamp of the already perfect ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’?

‘Hold My Hand’, astonishingly, is worse than that. From the second the toe-curling “Akon and MJ” shout-out intro, to the spineless, wasted muscle dribble-groove that continues throughout, this new song pads along like a sick dog, destined to only touch the hearts of completely blinkered Michael Jackson devotees.

Feeble isn’t a strong enough word to describe this offering.

And you can hear it by watching the video below. Be warned though – you can listen to this thirty or forty times and you’ll still be damned if you try and remember how it went. Relative to Jackson’s career, this is one of the worst records you’re likely to hear in your lifetime.

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Randy Jackson may sound like a nickname for Michael Jackson when he was feeling a bit fruity, but it is in fact, his brother who starred alongside the late-pop star in the Jackson 5. You knew that though, didn’t you?

Anyway, Randy is claiming that several tracks on Michael Jackson’s new album do not feature his vocals. Real talk!

The late singer’s brother is saying that he was immediately “suspicious” of the project when music bosses banned family members from visiting the studio while the tracks were completed.

In a series of posts on his Twitter page, he said:

“Me and my nephew were the first to say that it wasn’t his voice on some of the tracks. The family and the executors of the Estate, Branca and McClain, are not on the same page.

“I became suspicious about the album when I heard armed guards were involved. Since my brother’s passing, John McClain insisted that no family members were allowed at his studio where the project was being completed.”

Maybe they were just trying to stop people meddling?

“My first thought was, ‘What are they trying to hide?’ Teddy Riley was brought in just to mix and insisted on switching studios, at which he called me to come down and hear my brother’s music.

“I heard the music and I immediately said it wasn’t his voice. Some of the songs are him, and some aren’t. I would bet my life on that.”

Adding to the notion that there’s a whole bunch of people out there acting like modern day graverobbers, Randy insisted that music bosses were being “harsh” and “more concerned about making money off his death”.

“They could care less about why and how he died, or maybe they already know.”

Or, maybe they’re doing what all record companies do when one of the acts dies? Look at Elvis, Tupac and Lennon – they’ve got the hardest working corpses going.

Still, Jackson’s new album – which is released on December 14th – will no doubt crash land at the top spot of the album charts on release.

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So, this is it then? Soon the world will get to hear all the songs that weren’t considered good enough to be put on an album when Michael Jackson was alive thanks to the new collection called ‘Michael’.

Of course we expect all of the Michael Jackson fans to agree with us. After all, they are a sane bunch and wouldn’t peck each other’s eyes out to hear songs that never got the seal of approval from the man himself.

Well, it doesn’t really matter. Even if Michael Jackson hadn’t given it a sparkly gloved thumbs up, we’d never know. Neither would you. Nor would fist-heavy Joe Jackson… but he wouldn’t have cared. He knows that there is a market for dead people and music that’s rubbish. Just look at 2Pac. The poor bastard has somehow released more albums from beyond the grave.

News has been announced that we will see a Michael Jackson album released around Christmas after all. Hooray for the fans and hooray for us as we continue to laugh at the artwork.

In life, Michael Jackson bought a lot of stuff, from tacky gold statues and furniture so vile that you wouldn’t give it to the mother in law.

Nonetheless he spunked money over more stuff than he needed and gave shopkeepers a wet dream every time he announced a potential visit.

Alongside toys to keep him in a youthful state, art was another interest of Michael Jackson. Again, he wouldn’t care for stuff found in Poundland; he’d have to spend millions on awful self portraits so he could continually gaze at his own face.

Seriously. He could have just bought a mirror. Anyway, it’s our turn to gaze at some awful artwork based on a variety of MJ’s faces.

1. A Message From Beyond The Grave

Look at where his silver gloved hand is placed on the main image. That’s right, just above his heart. Concrete proof that he is telling us that he died of a heart attack. The lawyers will be lapping this up like dogs and will be sure to use this against Dr. Conrad Murray. Now we can never say he died after chomping on one too many prescription drugs.

2. Was Michael Jackson An Alien?

Some say he was a paedophile and others say he just held awesome sleepovers. Whatever your standpoint, evidence is emerging that wasn’t actually human. In the top left corner of the ‘Michael’ artwork is something that looks similar to a spaceship. Think we’ve just overdone it on the Jesus Juice? Well, Roswell happened in 1947, eleven years before the birth of Michael Jackson. Eleven years of grooming seems an appropriate length of training before unleashing him to the public.

3. Was Michael Jackson Was Due To Evolve In To A Robot Monster?

The top right of the image looks like the darkening sky, but glance a little harder and you might just see the outlines of something terrifying. A menacing figure with piercing yellow eyes that kind of resembles Michael Jackson, but with a beefed up robotic appearance. He tragically died at fifty, but was his special surprise for his London gigs a transformation in to a robotic monster? We’ll never know if surgery had advanced to pushing on evolution.

With a release date of December 20th, it is poised to become Christmas number one, though with news of the album released now, it’ll realistically chart at 27. People don’t buy records these days; they just stream by Spotify or download illegally with an added free computer virus.

Long live Michael and cash-in records!

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So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best‘s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.

The name Jackson has shifted meanings quite dramatically over the last few decades.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.

Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.

Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!

Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.

Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”

It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.

With Janet Jackson’s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.

We’re positively flabbergasted.

It turns out when you add up the stuff from the lives of all the Jackson Five members, there appears to be an achievement in there somewhere, or something. So, let’s give them a lifetime achievement award, shall we?

Be sure to tune in to the award ceremony for the exciting activity where you have to match up pictures of the group from the past and present. If you’re good enough to score 100% you’ll be awarded one of the last un-repossessed llamas from Neverland Ranch.

Don’t get too excited, though. Nobody’s ever won one.

Everyone deserves an award. Especially if you’re a member of the Jackson Five. Whether it be ‘the most siblings in one family to have enough bad nose jobs, thus making them all look like Cabbage Patch dolls’, or ‘the greatest number of sleepovers to date’, the Jackson brothers have a load of shining achievements to boast.

This is why Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Marlon, and Jackie Jackson will receive a lifetime achievement award at the BMI Urban Awards on September 4th. Surprisingly, all of the brothers except Michael were able to cancel their dates with nothing, leaving them free to appear in person and accept the award. The attendance of Michael and his surgical mask is still in question at this point.

It is quite an honor for the Jackson Five to receive this lifetime achievement award, especially since the success of the group is localized largely between about 1966-1972, which is an interesting amount of time when categorizing a “lifetime”. But hey, if we convert that to dog years it turns out to be more like 42 years, which is much more respectable. So we’ll just go ahead and rename this the BMI Lifetime Achievement Awards Doggy-style.

Zing!

Okay, we really should give credit where credit is due: Jermaine. It’s Jermaine that has earned the award, no question about it. Praise be to Jermaine. For as any musical historian will tell you, it is Jermaine skipping around in pink and blue pyjamas singing “Dynamite” that constitutes an eternal achievement award for this life and whatever kitchen appliance he may be reincarnated as after he dies.