We’re worried about Robert Pattinson – no, genuinely – we are worried about the vampire-man from the Twilight films.

After all, being relentlessly pursued all your life (for the last year) by a bunch of shrieking, cloying tweens and spinsters is hard enough. Throw in those devastating floods of urine and it’s sure to annoy anyone.

Even a plank of wood with a face drawn on it, which is exactly what Pattinson seems to be.

And it would seem we’re not alone, as Twilight co-acting person Michael Welch has expressed his discomfort at the attention lavished on young Planky.

After the shocking news the other week where the astonishingly idiotic fans of Robert “Rob” Pattinson nearly killed him by ruthlessly pushing him under the wheels of a speeding juggernaut as if fuelled by the combination of burning lust and ferocious jealousy…

Wait… what?

Oh, sorry – we meant to say: “nearly killed him by attempting to rape him in the street, which caused him to get clipped by a taxi as he fled for his life/sanity”.

Anyway, after that news we weren’t the only ones to hope that the frightening hordes out there clawing for “Rob”‘s skin as a trophy would calm down. Michael Welch said some words to MTV News:

“I don’t see how this is sustainable – is this gonna keep going for the rest of his life? I understand it, it’s Edward Cullen, I get it. But he’s still Rob Pattinson first – he’s still his own guy. Is it time to start getting concerned here? It’s tough, man. I don’t know where his life is really headed.”

To be honest, it was probably time to start getting concerned when hecklerspray posted a couple of innocuous, clever and downright witty slights on the character of Robert Pattinson, only to be deluged with threats of genuine violence* on our persons. His fans are, shall we say, “a bit obsessive”.

But would Welch trade in his semi-obscurity for the fear of being pursued down every street he ever walks on, just because he did a bit of half-arsed acting based on a book written by an adjective-loving Mormon? Yes. Yes he would.

“I don’t wish I had Rob’s life at all. I’m glad he’s okay. And as long as people don’t start ripping at him and breaking him in two, I think we’ll be okay… I wish him the best, and hope he’s going to be all right.”

Oh wait – that’s a no. Got those mixed up there.

*May be an exaggeration**

**As in, no violence was threatened***

***But hecklerspray was saddened when it was insulted, as was its beautiful, thin, smart and funny Twilight-reading girlfriend, who was also insulted****

****You people should be ashamed*****

*****Robert Pattinson has a flat face and cannot act very well.