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Is Michael Phelps Sorry For The Drug Thing? Um…

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When a newspaper published a photo of him smoking a bong, Michael Phelps experienced his darkest day.

OK, maybe his second-darkest day. It all depends on how dark you imagine the day that Michael Phelps realised that his face was going to dramatically outgrow his head was. But, nevertheless, the bong thing was pretty dark.

And although he’s escaped serious punishment for it, Michael Phelps’ Olympian spirit has spurred him on to apologise on TV. OK, not apologise as such – it was more of an inarticulate rant about how crappy his friends are – but it’s a start.

Michael Phelps Gets Suspended For Being A Stinking Hippy

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

For a second there it looked like Michael Phelps had got away with his bong-smoking exploits, didn’t it?

Well, he hasn’t. Although the IOC has forgiven Michael Phelps for smoking pot at a student house party, USA Swimming has been a little bit tougher on him, slapping him with a three-month ban.

In effect, this means that Michael Phelps will have to spend 12 of the coldest weeks of the year far away from a freezing swimming pool, while wearing more than just a tiny pair of Speedos. We don’t know how the poor boy’s going to cope, we really don’t.

IOC: ‘Oh Michael Phelps, How Could We Ever Stay Mad At You?’

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he’s a genetic freak who looks a bit dim.

But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It’s all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.

Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.

Michael Phelps Sorry For Being Such A Drug-Crazed Lunatic

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends.

Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.

That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.