michael phelps - HecklerSpray

American Idol: Adam Lambert Is A Good Swimmer Or Something

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Guess what happened on American Idol last night. Everyone sang songs. And Adam Lambert sang the best song. Shocking.

Oh, wait. No. We meant massively predictable. But still, even though we all know who’s going to win American Idol but still have to suffer through everyone else lumbering cluelessly through songs they’ve clearly never heard before, at least the judges can mix things up.

During last night’s American Idol Ratpack Night, Paula Abdul told Adam Lambert that he was ‘Michael Phelps‘. Or an ‘eyeball whelk’. Or ‘my heel yelps’. Honestly, who knows what that bloody woman was babbling on about.

Is Michael Phelps Sorry For The Drug Thing? Um…

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When a newspaper published a photo of him smoking a bong, Michael Phelps experienced his darkest day.

OK, maybe his second-darkest day. It all depends on how dark you imagine the day that Michael Phelps realised that his face was going to dramatically outgrow his head was. But, nevertheless, the bong thing was pretty dark.

And although he’s escaped serious punishment for it, Michael Phelps’ Olympian spirit has spurred him on to apologise on TV. OK, not apologise as such – it was more of an inarticulate rant about how crappy his friends are – but it’s a start.

Michael Phelps Gets Suspended For Being A Stinking Hippy

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

For a second there it looked like Michael Phelps had got away with his bong-smoking exploits, didn’t it?

Well, he hasn’t. Although the IOC has forgiven Michael Phelps for smoking pot at a student house party, USA Swimming has been a little bit tougher on him, slapping him with a three-month ban.

In effect, this means that Michael Phelps will have to spend 12 of the coldest weeks of the year far away from a freezing swimming pool, while wearing more than just a tiny pair of Speedos. We don’t know how the poor boy’s going to cope, we really don’t.

IOC: ‘Oh Michael Phelps, How Could We Ever Stay Mad At You?’

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he’s a genetic freak who looks a bit dim.

But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It’s all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.

Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.

Michael Phelps Sorry For Being Such A Drug-Crazed Lunatic

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends.

Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.

That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.

Hecklerspray Oddities: The Michael Phelps Breakfast

March 25th, 2009 By C J Davies

Michael Phelps, eh?

He’s good at swimming, isn’t he? And – boy – does he ever have a lot of gold medals.

Sorry. We’re trying our hardest to think of something amusing to say about the record-breaking Olympic champion, but to be honest we just came up with a big list of puns like Phelp, I’m A Fish. And then slapped ourselves.

Michael Phelps May Cure Lindsay Lohan of Being Boring

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray‘s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.