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Michael Lohan

Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Won’t Take Her up the Aisle

by Ian Dransfield

She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl. Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage [...]

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Michael Lohan Reveals He Isn’t Just a Caring Parent After All

by Ian Dransfield

In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann. This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have [...]

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New Lohan Sister Just As Fame-Spazzed As All Other Lohans

by Stuart Heritage

OK everyone, you can put the nature vs nurture debate to bed now – the newly-discovered illegitimate half-sister of Lindsay Lohan proves that it’s definitely nature.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she’s still labouring under the mistaken belief that she’s going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she’s realised that she’s genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet.

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Hazzah For The Recently Discovered Possible Lohan Love-Child!

by Shawn Lindseth

Mark our words – there shall be a time when the kingdom of Lohan falls. All the glory and might that now rests in their name shall be replaced with nought but dust and broken walls. What once was mighty shall be brought down There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl [...]

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Lindsay Lohan’s Ma & Pa Now Attention-Seeking In Court

by Stuart Heritage

Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she’s not the only Lohan kid.

Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.

Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad: “Lindsay’s A Lesbian Now? Cool”

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Lindsay Lohan’s had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Smantha Ronson’s ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is.

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Not A Huge Fan Of Ex-Wife’s Reality Show

by Stuart Heritage

As an absentee father and ex-convict, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan doesn’t get to take the moral high ground all that often.

But sometimes it happens, and it sure is sweet when it does. For instance, now that his ex-wife Dina Lohan can be seen distastefully pimping out her 14-year-old daughter Ali for cash in the reality TV show Living Lohan every week, Michael has voiced his concerns about the exploitation and hypocrisy on show in a new blog specifically about Living Lohan on OK! magazine’s website.

Slagging off your ex-wife and teenage daughter in public for a fee? That certainly sounds like the moral high ground to us. Michael Lohan, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

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Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which futilely battles each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind, for she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

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Lindsay Lohan’s Mum: ‘You Will Not See My Daughter’s Vagina!’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence.

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out there for your consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Take a moment to spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

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Michael Lohan: ‘Look At Lindsay Lohan’s Naked Boobs? Bleurgh, No!’

by Stuart Heritage

With the world still carping on about Lindsay Lohan’s naked photoshoot as if it’d never seen a set of blazing red pubes before, it’s nice to hear the occasional voice of dissent.

And that voice of dissent happens to come from Lindsay Lohan’s Dad. Michael Lohan is steadfastly refusing to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan spread out of a sense of vague disgust, you see.

Not disgust that his daughter has become nothing more than a cheap sexual commodity, though – Michael Lohan is annoyed that Lindsay Lohan’s naked photoshoot has stepped on the toes of his own naked photoshoot; the forthcoming Michael Lohan Presents Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye for Total Sudoku magazine.

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