Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will.

The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere.

She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn’t have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.

Lindsay has been ranting a whole lot on her Twitter lately. Damn near daily. In fact we can assume she’s going on a rant right now. Listen. If you prick up your ears you can probably hear her mobile phone screaming in pain at having the snot beaten out of it with the constant updating.

Lindsay has been using the site as a means to reach out to longtime love Samantha Ronson. That is an oddity. We’re quite sure that at some point while dating someone you might be allowed to have their phone number. Better yet, you may even be privy to their home address. As such you could harass them on their doorstep, rather than making a fool of yourself online. Then there’s the saga with her own father, Michael Lohan, a man whom she labelled “a lunatic”.

The former actress turned total non-druggy – who has probably never tried drugs at all because they’re dangerous and yucky – is getting a bit of a reputation. She is becoming known for going on rants about her loved ones and then deleting the evidence. Thankfully Lindsay doesn’t seem to know about fancy-schmancy things like Print Screen and Copy and Paste. She has no idea her messages live on, even after she hits the delete button.

People reported on some of the messages Lindsay wrote about her father:

“My father is a lunatic & doesn’t even deserve such a title since he’s never been around in my life other than when he’d threaten me & my family,” Tweeted Lindsay, who just finished shooting the thriller Machete opposite Robert DeNiro. “He should be where he has always put himself after verbally abusing and physically abusing people all my life-behind bars.”

There’s no getting away from how Lindsay feels about her father. He is seeking conservatorship of her giant mountain of money, which is bound to cause friction. No – he wants conservatorship to stop her accidentally poking herself in the eye with sharp objects. No – he wants control over her so he can stop her from going on Twitter all the bloody time.

From Radar Online:

“As far as Lindsay is concerned, if she goes into a rehab, I will stop,” he told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “But if the lies continue and the prescription drug use doesn’t stop, neither will I.”

Whatever he wants, he is refusing to stop going to the press until Lindsay caves in. He’s been in the press almost every day for the last week. Taking that into account, we think Lindsay should cave in and stop kissing Gerard Butler or whatever she’s doing right this second and do as her dad says.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who we all heart very much

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Here’s some good news – New Lindsay Lohan has regressed. Long live Old Lindsay Lohan. Or New Old Lindsay Lohan.

Or something. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is brilliant again. Hooray! Just a few days after she was hauled to court, Lindsay Lohan has regressed again and apparently decided to take a restraining order out against her father in case he decides to kidnap her. It’s just like the good old days!

Although let’s just pray that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t keep regressing too much – if she regresses back to her childhood then she’ll start making films that aren’t terrible again, and where’s the fun in that?

We hinted at it last week when she was ordered to court for alcohol-related matters, but now it’s official – Lindsay Lohan has started being interesting again. She’s emerged from her lesbian phase and – if the stories about her and Balthazar Getty are true – defaulted back to the phase where she just has a load of disinterested sex with a bunch of desperately unsuitable men all the time.

But most importantly, Lindsay Lohan has fallen out with her dad Michael Lohan again. Actually, no, we take that back – she hasn’t fallen out with him so much as started to take a restraining order out against him because she’s paranoid about being kidnapped by him. And, to be fair, she might have a point. Just last week Michael Lohan told X17:

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight. But I know I’m gonna get charged with kidnapping.”

Although that seems unusually on the button for a kidnapping threat, Lindsay Lohan should know by know that her father would never do anything to hurt her. Just because he’s a washed-up ex-jailbird absentee father with a proven history of telling the press every last secret about Lindsay’s private life in a harrowing effort to ride the coattails of her constantly diminishing fame until she drops dead, it doesn’t mean that Michael Lohan is a bad person. Oh, wait, sorry. It might do. Sorry.

It’s hard to know who to side with here, isn’t it? On one hand Michael Lohan is saying that he only wants the best for his daughter. On the other hand, the thought of spending any amount of time in an undisclosed location with Michael Lohan makes us want to start systematically removing the skin from our face and torso with our fingernails. Then there’s Lindsay Lohan – she might have a troubled relationship with her dad, but is seeking a restraining order against a member of your own family really necessary?

After some consideration, we’ve decided that we can’t side with Lindsay Lohan or Michael Lohan here. Instead, we’re going to side with Dina Lohan. Or, to be more accurate, we’re going to side with Dina Lohan as soon as she decides to never have any contact with the rest of the human race ever again. As would anyone.

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Obviously your first instinct is Lindsay Lohan. She’s not just a twonk these days – she’s a professional twonk, with her every move painstakingly calibrated for maximum twonkiness. But look closer and you’ll see that Michael Lohan comprehensively out-twonks his daughter.

Why? Because Michael Lohan has written a blog post urging the public to help him split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, that’s why. Oh, but he does consistently refer to Sam Ronson as SaMANtha, so at least wit’s on his side, eh?

Sometimes – and we swear to God we’ll hunt you down and kill you if you tell this to anyone – we feel a little bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan. As if it’s not bad enough being one of the most awful people on the face of the Earth, the poor girl’s saddled with one of the worst families, too. Lindsay Lohan’s mother is happy to sell her family out to reality TV without losing any sleep. Lindsay Lohan’s sister seems to have inherited the singing voice of Lee Marvin. And then there’s Lindsay Lohan’s dad.

Michael Lohan deserves special attention because he can never seem to make up his mind about whether he loves Lindsay Lohan or whether he wants to suffocate her in her sleep so that he can wear her skin like a suit and dance around fooling people into thinking that he is actually her.

Lindsay and Michael have had their good moments, but they pale into insignificance when compared to all their crappy moments, like when Michael Lohan told the world that Lindsay Lohan was hooked on painkillers, or when he publicly declared that Barack Obama was a wanker for not liking his daughter very much. Or when he knocked a woman up with Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister when his wife wasn’t looking.

Or that time he wrote a blog pleading with members of the public to try and split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up. Which just happens to be now. Here’s just some of what Michael Lohan wrote:

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life. Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

This isn’t the first time that Michael Lohan has voiced his dissent about Sam Ronson, of course – he recently had to apologise for calling her ‘dark and hideous’ – but this is much clearly worse, because not only is he directly asking the public to end her relationship with Lindsay, but it’s also the first time that Michael Lohan has written a blog post about Sam Ronson in the style of a paranoid 9/11 conspiracy theorist.

But what Michael Lohan wants, Michael Lohan gets. We’re now determined to split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, and we’re going to do it by dressing up as a lady and strutting seductively up and down in front of Sam to make Lindsay jealous. It worked for Bugs Bunny so, damnit, it’s going to work for us.

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Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about – she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

Lindsay Lohan’s parents couldn’t be more different. First there’s her mother Dina Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan likes. Dina routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her on a reality TV show that she’s paid to appear in. She also loves those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

And then there’s her father Michael Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like. Michael routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her to reporters for free. He also hates those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan. See? There’s a gigantic difference. Michael Lohan is a bastard.

No, really, he is. We read it on the internet.

Specifically, we read it on Lindsay Lohan’s blog. You see, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have a tricky history. Thanks to his imprisonment and other interests, Michael wasn’t around during much of Lindsay’s upbringing, something that resulted in Lindsay Lohan writing a song called something like but not specifically Cuh, My Dad’s A Right Old Shitclaw.

And, although Lindsay and Michael patched it up briefly last year, they’ve gone and had another barney. It all started when Michael Lohan expressed his doubts about Lindsay’s possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, who might be writing a book about their relationship. He said:

“I’ve shut up about this long enough. She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.”

And that’s resulted in Lindsay Lohan jumping onto her MySpace blog to return the volley of abuse. We definitely know that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for this, because it barely makes any sense:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face… he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is)… His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.

Although fantastically entertaining, this fall-out between Lindsay Lohan and her father is also tinged with a kind of deep sadness, because it looks unlikely that this exchange has reopened wounds that probably won’t ever heal.

That’s not because Michael Lohan has repeatedly abused Lindsay Lohan’s trust, or because his childhood abandonment of Lindsay is probably responsible for all the chronic attention-seeking behaviour that ultimately landed her in rehab.

No, the real reason there’ll never be closure here is because Lindsay Lohan wants Michael to say things to her face, and there’s quite a good chance that the only way that could ever happen is if he hides up inside Samantha Ronson’s vagina.

Sorry.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.

There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity – and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.

All will be a memory.

But fear not – for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan – a secret Lohan – conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct – and he thinks she might be telling the truth.

Michael Lohan's gentleman-juice is both potent and good. Not only can they navigate through ovarian tubes like a stereotypical Chinaman through a rice field, but once they reach the egg they know exactly what to do – they romance it.

Then, after several weeks of bringing flowers and lifting tiny boom-boxes way up over their little sperm-heads – they get in there and start drilling. This, dear reader, is where a Lohan comes from.

A Lohan, like say, this secret one that's just been revealed. The Male half of the parent-ish Lohans claims that about twelve years ago he was separated from his now ex-wife. He met a very lonely homeless woman who wanted a baby so bad she didn't even care if the father was a 'house-y.' Since Michael is the ultimate Samaritan he obliged her with seed, taking only the sweet smile and gratitude as a one-time payment.

All of that was heavily summarized and built upon. Except the separated-12-years ago-and-made-sweet-love-to-some-lady part.

In Michael Lohan's own words:

"Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out."

No mention has yet been made of any DNA testing. No need, really. The kid was born with a Disney contract in its hand and the number of a chain-smoking short-haired homosexual in it's tiny little speed dial.

It's his all right.

Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.

Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!

Having two parents who love each other can be such a snore – for starters it means that they don’t individually buy you ostentatiously large birthday presents to try and out-do the other one, but you’ll also never know the joy of your mother specially crafting a range of chocolate bar wrappers that deliberately besmirch your father’s reputation.

That’s why we’re so jealous of Ali and Dakota Lohan, the 14 and 11-year-old siblings of Lindsay Lohan. And that’s not just because we haven’t got the prematurely grizzled voice and dead-eyed facial expression of a war veteran that Ali Lohan has, either – but because their divorced parents are so transparently focused on merciless self-promotion at the cost of everything else that their birthday presents must be huge.

Recently there’s been a little bit of a flare-up between Dina and Michael Lohan. Dina, as you know, now has her own reality show to prove what a good mother she is, and Michael Lohan has a new column on a magazine’s website dedicated to slagging that reality show off.

It’s all very bitter, and apparently rooted in Dina Lohan not letting Michael Lohan see his kids any more. And that’s why everyone went back to court yesterday for another round of tedious custody discussions. OK! reports:

Battling exes Dina and Michael Lohan have returned to a Long Island court Tuesday afternoon over custody issues. Michael claims that his ex-wife has violated their visitation agreement with their minor children, Ali, 14, and Dakota, 11. According to Michael’s attorney, John DiMascio Jr., Dina has forbidden his client from visiting the children.

There’ll be another custody hearing next month, but the judge overseeing the case so far seems satisfied that both sides are working together to bring this issue to a mutually-agreed end.

Ali and Dakota Lohan must be so pleased by this outcome. Soon enough, with the right direction from the courts, they’ll be able to spend quality time with both their parents – the mother who was most recently seen on TV partying after being told that her house had caught fire with them in it, and the father who went to prison for trying to attack a relative with a shoe.

Yes, those kids are going to be just fine. We like happy endings.

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

As this is Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex, we’re quickly realising that not much can surprise us any more. Lindsay Lohan’s had sex with the entire male population of an Italian island, she’s had sex with someone’s pecker on camera and now, if you believe what you read, she’s now busy having sex with a woman. Next will be feral woodland creatures, you mark our word, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

The woman who Lindsay Lohan is rumoured to be having sex with is Samantha Ronson and, to the casual observer, it looks like love. Lindsay Lohan loves Samantha Ronson enough to shriek at whichever Olsen twin happens to be nearest to her and to apparently get engaged to her.

But what do we know? It’s not like we’re Lindsay Lohan’s dad or anything. Lindsay Lohan’s dad knows everything that goes on in the Lohan family, except for what happened to it that time he went to prison for crashing his car drunk and trying to attack a man with his shoe. And prior to that when he was such an irresponsible parent that one of his daughters emailed the media to declare what a bastard he was.

But Michael Lohan knows everything else about the Lohans. OK, Michael Lohan knows that Dina Lohan’s reality TV show is crummy and that Lindsay used to be addicted to OxyContin and that’s about the extent of his knowledge.

However, when someone from Us Weekly recently asked him whether Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or not, this shameful lack of family knowledge didn’t stop Michael from blurting out that her relationship with Ronson:

“is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Great! Lindsay Lohan’s officially a lesbian. Except that, no, now Michael Lohan’s saying everything was taken out of context and that Lindsay Lohan definitely isn’t a lesbian. Unless she is, in which case he’s totally OK with it. The New York Daily News reports:

Michael Lohan said he had not seen any photos of his daughter and Ronson nuzzling necks in France recently. Nor would it matter to him if his daughter were gay. “Lindsay’s life choices are up to her,” he said. “I don’t get involved in my daughter’s personal life. They’re friends, they’re always together. I hug my friends, does that make me a homosexual? Of course not.”

Poor old Michael Lohan. Trying to make out like he’s got the first clue about what his daughter’s up to when he clearly hasn’t. We hope for Michael’s sake that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian, because it might mean that he’ll be torn between his daughter and his new-found hardline faith.

And that’s just unfair – nothing should come between a father and his daughter. Nothing. Unless the father goes jail because he tried to beat a man up with a shoe, obviously. But that’s it.

But sometimes it happens, and it sure is sweet when it does. For instance, now that his ex-wife Dina Lohan can be seen distastefully pimping out her 14-year-old daughter Ali for cash in the reality TV show Living Lohan every week, Michael has voiced his concerns about the exploitation and hypocrisy on show in a new blog specifically about Living Lohan on OK! magazine’s website.

Slagging off your ex-wife and teenage daughter in public for a fee? That certainly sounds like the moral high ground to us. Michael Lohan, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

Michael Lohan has always been there for his family. OK, not always – he wasn’t there for his family that time he went to prison for ages, or when Ali Lohan accused him of being an absentee father during the bulk of her upbringing, or whenever Lindsay Lohan decided to write a song about what a shit dad he was because he never loved her – but mostly. Or hardly. Hardly.

However, Michael Lohan found God in prison – apparently He was doing a 20-stretch for aggravated assault – and he’s since made it his duty to always do what’s best for his family. That means being the only man on the planet not to see what Lindsay Lohan looks like naked, being unafraid to tell the press about Lindsay’s alleged Oxycontin addiction and undoing several years of systematic parental neglect with a weekend in a wooden house.

So with this in mind, Michael Lohan can’t be expected to just sit idly by while his ex-wife Dina Lohan and daughter Ali Lohan whore themselves out in a grubby reality TV show that indirectly makes a mockery of them both. At least not when he’s being paid by a magazine to say how stupid they are.

That’s right – Michael Lohan has become the latest Lohan family member to try and cash in on his eldest daughter’s notoriety. Not by directly feeding off it like Dina and Ali Lohan, but by feeding off the TV show that Dina and Ali Lohan feed off Lindsay Lohan’s notoriety with. In short, Michael Lohan’s been employed by OK! magazine to keep a blog of what exactly he thinks about Living Lohan. MSNBC reports:

Regarding the premiere episode, titled “Mommy Will Fix It,” which aired on Memorial Day, Michael appears to take the high road and edit himself more than he has in the past. “If I were to look at things from a worldly perspective, I would probably have a lot to say about exploitation, hypocrisy and even deception,” he told the magazine. “I will say that some of the people Dina surrounds the kids with still concerns me again, I can address that when they appear on the show. I just hope Dina takes the high road like a Lohan would and rights these wrongs.”

Yes, Dina, you heard him. You need to take the high road like a Lohan would. Except not Lindsay Lohan, obviously, the recovering alcoholic who’s been in jail for driving repeatedly under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And not Michael Lohan, either, who’s also been to jail for crashing his car drunk amid a swirl of aggravated harassment, criminal contempt and attempted assault charges.

But one of the other Lohans. The unrelated Irish folk singer Sinead Lohan, maybe. Dina should totally take the high road like her.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

According to Access Hollywood, their reporter Billy Brush received an e-mail from Dina Lohan simply saying:

“No, she is not.”

So, that may all but end the chuff-shot speculation, but try and take a positive spin on things here, guys. For example, she hasn’t yet confirmed or denied that Lindsay is actually going to star in this film, just as she hasn’t confirmed or denied that Lindsay’s breasts may make an appearance, meaning it is still possible that you’ll get to see her boobies on a giant cinema screen!

It’s about as common a sight these days as the back of your hand, but still, boobs is boobs, and Lindsay’s bare mammaries are a sight that even Mumma Lohan is a fan of. Though not so much her Dad, of course, the poor bastard. Let us have a minute’s silence for that broken man.

There. We hope he felt that. Michael, you’re forever in hecklerspray’s thoughts.

Read More – Mom Dismisses Lohan Film Nudity Reports – NBC

And that voice of dissent happens to come from Lindsay Lohan's Dad. Michael Lohan is steadfastly refusing to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan spread out of a sense of vague disgust, you see.

Not disgust that his daughter has become nothing more than a cheap sexual commodity, though – Michael Lohan is annoyed that Lindsay Lohan's naked photoshoot has stepped on the toes of his own naked photoshoot; the forthcoming Michael Lohan Presents Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye for Total Sudoku magazine.

The statistics surrounding New York magazine's naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot this week are simply phenomenal. Demand to see what Lindsay Lohan's hooters look like was so high that the New York website crashed. The lack of self-awareness displayed when Lindsay Lohan complained about the pitfalls of the entertainment industry from the front cover of a magazine with her tits out exploded up to 12 supercomputers running complicated logic programs. And it probably turned quite a lot of young men gay, too.

Despite this, allies of the Lindsay Lohan naked photoshoot have been vociferous in their support of Lindsay Lohan's slow slide into grubby erotic thriller-based semi-obscurity. Even Lindsay Lohan's mother loves staring at her naked daughter enough to tell the world about it. As far as Dina Lohan is concerned naked Lindsay is art, not porn.

However, Lindsay Lohan's father Michael Lohan – probably best-known for regularly listing all the drugs that Lindsay Lohan is hooked on – doesn't care if it's art or porn – he just doesn't want to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot in case it gives him a funny feeling in his stomach. Or something. Stuff reports:

Michael Lohan is determined not to see the pictures of 21-year-old Lindsay in the new issue of New York magazine, but accepts it was "her decision" to agree to the shoot. He said: "I'm not going to look at the photos – that's my daughter! But Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career. It's her decision." However, Michael did recognise that being asked to recreate Bert Stern's famous 'Last Sitting' photos of Marilyn was a huge honour for Lindsay… "The fact that the photographer Bert Stern who did Marilyn Monroe's pictures would ask Lindsay to re-create them – that's an amazing thing."

To some degree, Michael Lohan does have a point – as much of an honour as it is for Bert Stern to ask his daughter to recreate such iconic photographs, the naked Lindsay Lohan spread does represent the point in Lindsay's career where she's become so desperate to claw back some of her early success that she's prepared to debase herself in public in such an ultimately tragic way.

Plus Michael Lohan is probably just bummed that Scarlett Johansson didn't do the naked photoshoot. Her tits are way nicer.

Read more:

Lohan's dad won't look at nude Monroe pics - Stuff