Lindsay Lohan has been threatening to turn into a real bore after knocking drink and drugs on the head and seemingly not stealing some jewels from a shop. She’s wandering into nun territory and we’re not talking about the funny nuns from the movies. We mean proper, boring, pious nuns.

However, fear not! Thankfully, her dad, Michael Lohan is on hand to liven up the party!

That’s right kiddiekins, Lohan Snr was arrested on three felony charges in West Hollywood after a female companion accused him of domestic violence at a nearby apartment, according to the police. As Rodney King will testify, the LA police department are a trustworthy source of information and moral fortitude.

Lohan was booked for inflicting something called a ‘corporal injury on a cohabitant’ as well as the terrifically exciting sounding ‘false imprisonment’ and ‘preventing a report of victimization’, says Lt. John Ratto (who is actually a human-sized rat-man).

Ratto says:

“Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I’m aware of and has been cooperative.”

Booooo! Whatever happened to people flailing the arms and kicking their legs shouting “YEAH? I’M BEING BRUTALIZED! LOOK! AARGH!” when getting arrested? We like those arrests the best when we watch cruddy police camera shows.

Lt. Ratto added that Lohan, while at the station, conveniently recalled that he might have a medical condition or something which may make him act a bit cuckoo.

Michael Lohan’s bail has been set at $200,000 which will be great news for LiLo who needs to go to court this week and decide whether she’ll accept a plea deal with jail time or go to trial in her felony grand theft case.

Happy happy joy joy.

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Lindsay Lohan is no longer an addict of anything. We’d speculated that she’d become addicted to ‘buttons of the chocolate’. Alas, no dice. She’s no longer an addict of anything remotely fun. Nor of anything illegal. Says her father, who’d never lie about that. Never!

Michael Lohan has been speaking to media outlets, who aren’t us, about his daughter’s progress following rehab. Lindsay spent the very end of last year in and out of the Betty Ford facility, withdrawing from her assorted ills.

She’d had dirty drug tests for amphetamines and cocaine in the recent past. However, she’s no longer failing tests and multi-tasking by thumbing her nose at the judge.

Michael, who’s never been estranged from his daughter and who never shills personal interest stories to further his own ‘career’, says his daughter has taken multiple drug tests, in the last few weeks, and has passed them all. Which would be something to get a little more excited about, had Lindsay not only just been released from rehab this month.

We’re not ones to piss in people’s Cornflakes (we prefer doing so in one’s Sugar Puffs). But it seems a little premature to be talking about her progress and how she’ll never again be caught licking her mum’s mixing bowl.

From Radar Online:

“Lindsay is doing four or five tests a week and she has passed all of them with flying colors,” Michael told Radar Online, in an interview. “She’s doing really great right now,” he added. “She is serious about staying healthy and is avoiding all the old things she used to do.”

Because giving one interview isn’t going to score him a People Magazine cover, Michael said the same thing to Hollyscoop.

“We went to an AA meeting last night then went home and had a quiet night,” Michael told Hollyscoop, at the Hospitality Suite at the Nivea For Men Mansion, hosted by Pascal Mouawad in celebration of the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards on Saturday. “She changed back to the girl she used to be,” Michael told HS. “When she was at her best–literally. She’s done a 180 and I’m very proud of her.”

Copy and pasting in real life is fun, children. Even more fun than declaring an addict of some years clean, after what was really only weeks of treatment.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so drop to your knees and avert your eyes you disgusting plebs because, obviously, she’s the best. Ever.

We’ve been rumbled. At least, that’s what it sounds like. See, Lindsay Lohan has become afraid, threatened and targeted. All things you could blame useless, leeching shits like us for. However, she’s under the impression its a stalker that is causing her bother, which means we can get on with our business.

So while a poor, defenceless stalker is being blamed for her disposition – so much so that people at Betty Ford are taking measures to protect her, we continue to write pithy, near-fictional articles with bad jokes crow-barred in.

What’s all the fuss then?

Well, sources close to WHO CARES WHO? WE RUN THIS RUBBISH ANYWAY, tell us that Lindsay has been receiving harassing phone calls and text messages from unknown numbers.

The unidentified person behind them has been making disparaging statements about her recovery and her family.

Now. Lets think. We’ve slagged her dad off and laughed and poked fun at her penchant for hoovering entire molehills of good quality class A drugs up her ravaged nostrils. The phone-calls? Well, if she actually picked the phone up instead of glaring at the ‘unknown’ British number, she’d find that we were ringing her for one of two reasons.

1. That we’re only joking around with her because, for some reason, we’ve grown quite fond of her during this whole meltdown.

2. Does she want anything from the shop.

Now, the source says that the unknown person is saying that they know where Lindsay is staying and that they are watching her.

Again, this is a simple misunderstanding. We know she’s staying at the Betty Ford clinic and we just happen to be watching a DVD of Mean Girls. That’s all. Nice and innocent.

And now, spoilsport Betty Ford officials are going to move their most famous patient to a more secure, private facility. Presumably, this new secure area will ensure that LiLo can’t get a signal for her mobile because… well… if she can, we’ll just keep ringing her up.

So there you have it. Problem solved. Lindsay doesn’t have a stalker! She has a Heckler!

(Please note: Should any stalker get ’round to killing her with guns, knives, piano wire or whatever, we’re not actually in contact with Lindsay Lohan. That’s because we’re stalking Victoria Wood ’til she plays that song about S&M with a Woman’s Weekly).

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Dina Lohan has finally admitted that her daughter, Lindsay Lohan, is an addict. We were excited to learn this, as we’re on pretty hard stuff too. Our weight in chocolate buttons, every time we get the hecklerspray house groceries in.

Giving up is hard to do. Lindsay’s an addict too. She’s not addicted to anything fun, though. She’s in rehab for cocaine. Which is probably less tasty and more deadly than delicious chocolate. At least that means more sweets for us.

While we rip into this unopened pack of melty goodness, we need to update you on all things Lohan. As the entire clan has been acting more cracked-out than usual, in recent weeks.

Lindsay is currently in her umpteenth rehab facility, pretending she’s getting better. One day at a time. And she’s taking shopping day trips, away from the Betty Ford Clinic, with money she ‘doesn’t have’. Because when your addictions are cocaine, amphetamines, and Twitter, there is no room left for healing that doesn’t involve retail therapy.

At the clinic, Lindsay has spent time in family sessions, with Dina, dealing with ‘the codependency’. And Lindsay reunited with her father, Michael Lohan. Who has been less of an attention whore than her mother, this week.

Dina, amusingly, seems loathe to parent in person. She prefers to do hers while on television. Which must be the celebrity equivalent of leaving your kinds in front of Non-descript/ Interchangeable Characters In Assorted Primary Colours, all day long.

She went on The Today Show this week to talk about Lindsay’s recovery. We learnt nothing of substance; Dina likes superlatives and has no clue whether Lindsay really hates cocaine now.

After talking about how ‘amazing’ and ‘life-changing’ Betty Ford was, and how ‘happy, relaxed’ and ‘different’ Lindsay was, Dina ran out of adjectives. So she strung this sentence together, hoping no one would still be watching.

Can Dina admit Lindsay is an addict? “Yes. When I first came to her initially, you know, that was for Lindsay to admit… I put her in rehab when she was 19. It wasn’t for me, as a mother, to come to the world and – I mean, how many viewers do you have? – about her problem, that was for her do. I wasn’t in denial by far, but I think it was for her to come to her own [conclusion].”

She punctuated that point with another. More terrifying than the last.

Will this rehab break Lindsay’s addictions? “We’ll take it one day at a time. I don’t have a crystal ball. I pray hard and she wants to start her own facilities, help other children. She’s so public, we can only be positive and look to the future to help other families.”

Other people’s children are going to be weaned off coke, by switching their stash for Mean Girls DVDs? Lindsay wants to open her own rehabs? Was that a threat? We can’t even tell any more.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Lindsay Lohan was once an actress. Then she was a lesbian. Then she was a drug-addled crackpot. Now, she’s in rehab and looking at herself in the mirror thinking “Jeez. All I wanted was a good time! It’s not like I killed anyone!”

And now, her father – who has been rentagob for a quote when LiLo wasn’t available – is back on the scene and they’re all ready to kiss and make up with each other.

That’s right! You’ll be thrilled to learn that Lindsay Lohan met her father, Michael Lohan, for several hours last Sunday at the Betty Ford clinic.

Apparently, Lindsay invited her papa to the Betty Ford clinic (which we imagine is sterile white, filled with shuffling celebrities all groaning and bumping into things like a zombie mental-ward) to have a nice chat. Her mother, presumably not as fussed, was in New York at that time, preparing to appear on NBC’s Today Show.

This is the first time that Lindsay and her dad have been able to look each other in the eye since 2009, when Michael helped Lindsay move into a new apartment after her Hollywood home was burgled.

That isn’t really that long is it? It’s not like they’ve been ignoring each other for a decade and sniping at each other in the press. In fact, this is such a rubbish reunion that it’s like being told that a limited edition chocolate bar is coming back out after being taken off the shelves for a fortnight.

Still, we’ve started writing the article and we’ll have to finish it, despite the fact we’ve realised how boring and pointless it is half way through. Not like the time when she was pictured naked and tooting drugs. That was a much more fun article.

So why did they meet? Well, Lindsay and Michael will undergo joint therapy to help doctors get to the root of their problem with each other. LiLo has often blamed her dad for her drug and other problems, saying he wasn’t there for her when she needed him most.

Of course, Michael Lohan is a rum ol’ bugger as he’s been in trouble with the law a few times in the past. Once upon a time, he was sentenced to four years in prison for security fraud and more recently, he went to the clink for “aggravated unlicensed driving” and attempted assault.

So of course, it doesn’t help when the only time he enters his daughter’s life is when he’s on TV or in a newspaper passing judgement on his daughter.

Following the meeting on Sunday, Michael declined to comment on it, saying:

“I have pledged not to comment about anything relating to my daughter.”

That makes a nice change doesn’t it?

“However, what I will say is that I am an incredibly proud father tonight. My daughter is progressing extraordinarily well.”

Then he flew away into the night sky like a weird owl-man hybrid.

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Despite being in jail for less time than it takes the average person to squeeze out a poo after a heavy night on the Guinness, Lindsay Lohan has apparently written enough guff in her ‘prison journal’ to turn it into a full-sized book.

That, or have someone else ghost-write her scrawlings into a full-sized book, which is basically the same thing, right?

On balance, this is probably a good thing. Surely, even she will be limited to one potential artistic outpouring from being in jail for a couple of hours, so the possibility of her releasing that album she threatened to make is rapidly approaching zero. Even better – books are so much easier to ignore, or burn, or turn into paper-mache representations of thin Irishmen drowning in a lake of half-dissolved gumdrops and chemical waste, than CDs, aren’t they?

Anyway, now that we’ve established that this should be an easily ignorable endeavour by Lohan, short of her going on a national publicity tour where she screams passages from the opening chapter through a megaphone while people are shopping at local town markets, what’s going to be in this Opus? DigitalSpy howls:

the actress kept meticulous notes about every aspect of her recent prison sentence… about her relationships with family members and even about her dreams

Given that she could probably catalogue every last thing that happened to her in jail using 24-point type on the side of the average piece of bacon, and still have space left for fatuous publicity quotes from people, well, like us (if you’re interested, Lindsay, you can use this one for free, ‘So good it immediately made me want hurt myself – and others!’), it looks like the bulk of the book will be split between banging on about her weirdo father and describing in intricate detail the dreams of a recovering alcoholic.

Finally, we’ll be able to find out just how much more we can add to the file of ‘Michael Lohan, the raging bell-end’.

Obviously, the catalogue of dickheadedness of her immediate family will take up the vast majority of the book, but it’s the dream section that should bring out the patented Lohan crazy. Imagine the insight we’ll get into the mind of a child-star that no one really cares about anymore unless you see her behind the wheel of a car, in which case you really should be terribly concerned about her, and, oh god, can you see that look in her eye? You wish you had kept up your Heat subscription because you don’t know if she’s on uppers or downers this month, and by god that look in her eye is terrifying and you wish you’d told your girlfriend you loved her this morning, oh christ this is the end.

It could turn out to be important, is what I’m trying to say.

Think of what we’ll learn from her badly-remembered prison dreams. Dreams like the one where she is a stripper with a stigmatic twin with a psychic connection to her long-lost sister, which manifests as sympathetic wounds stemming from her sister being tortured by her old piano teacher. Or the one where she wins races with her talking car. Or the one where she is chased through the prison wards by a man-sized vagina that has legs made of arms and the inverted face of her father protruding from its depths.

Oh, wait. Those first two are obviously too stupid to even exist in someone’s subconscious. Sorry.

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Michael Lohan may have, allegedly, set a new record for mind-blowing scumminess.

We say ‘allegedly’, as we’re awaiting official verification that Michael is really the scum of the earth. We’re expecting that certified letter in the post, any day now.

There are some pretty breathtaking allegations being slung at Michael right now. Not that most of his deplorable and exploitative behaviour surprises us at this point. However, there’s one thing in particular that’s stuck in our craws. The accusation that Michael took pictures of half-naked ex-fiance Kate Major while she was passed out in bed, ones so NSFW and objectionable that we’re not even willing to link to them, and he sold them.

There are two or three of these pictures floating around online, as taken in April. The mind boggles as to why anyone would ever take them, let alone make them available to the public. Michael gave the following statement about Kate, saying:

“She has no money, no job and she’s been living off of me for the last 8 months… and her dad just cut her off. If she doesn’t stop the nonsense, more and more will come out. I am tired of being used and people who need to make up stories to make money off others. I have more important issues to deal with than Kate Major”.

Charming, excuse us while we go vomit in our mouths just a little. Just a little.

Major responded, with more composure and less expletives than we’re able to comprehend at the moment.

“Michael Lohan is a disgusting human being and father. He took these pictures of me when I was asleep and without my knowledge. At the time he was my fiancé. I have just found out about these images today and moving forward my lawyer, William O’Conner, will be handing the legalities of anyone that reproduces them.”

TMZ spoke to Michael, who denied selling the pictures and claimed the images were stolen.

Major was also approached by TMZ about the nude photos, Tuesday, with her arm in a sling after allegedly being thrown to the floor and kicked by Michael – oh yeah, he’s also an alleged woman-beater. She kept her cool, non-sweary head and said the pursuit of any legal action would be left up to her lawyer, and that she “never wanted any of this”.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is quite obviously magnificent

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You’d think that Lindsay Lohan would spend the next few days drunk, to numb the horror of jail next week.

But no. That’s not Lindsay Lohan’s style. Wait, what are we talking about? That’s precisely Lindsay Lohan’s style. But, for whatever reason – possibly because she thinks it’ll stop her from going to jail in the first place – Lindsay Lohan has checked into a Los Angeles rehab centre at the behest of OJ Simpson‘s old lawyer.

It’ll be tough, but at least Lindsay Lohan’s family has chosen to display some dignity and respect her privacy. Apart from Michael Lohan, obviously, who is essentially treating the news as an opportunity to slip on a neon top hat and screech “LOOK AT ME!” directly into the lens of every single news camera within a three-mile radius of him. Which isn’t really his style. Oh, wait…

Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been tested like this since she was asked to play a pair of amnesiac robot-handed stripper twins in that film that nobody saw. This is because next week Lindsay Lohan goes to jail. And not just for 84 minutes like she did last time – Lindsay Lohan is really going to jail, for somewhere near but probably nothing like 90 days. It’ll be a difficult period of her life, but we’ve heard that the wardens are going to fill the prison up with lesbians and drugs to make her feel more at home, which is lovely of them.

However, before she does enters the big house, Lindsay Lohan has decided to check into a residential sober-living facility founded by former OJ Simpson lawyer Robert Shapiro. Nobody knows if it’s a genuine attempt to get well, or simply a ruse to try and reduce the length of her sentence, but Lindsay Lohan is revealing nothing about it. Even her Twitter page, usually such a source of guaranteed hilarity, has fallen quiet. There’s a protective wall of silence surrounding Lindsay Lohan at this sensitive ti…

Oh, hang on, no there isn’t. Michael Lohan’s decided to blab all of the rehab secrets to everyone, even though he possibly doesn’t have first-hand details of what’s going on and he’s only doing it to keep his face in the papers. Oh well. ABC News got hold of his statement, sent by his attorney:

“For months, we have been begging Lindsay to enter rehab… We are pleased that at last she appears to have done so. We hope that Lindsay gets off all prescription medication as well as any other substances that may be damaging her… Michael loves his daughter unconditionally. He wants her to live. He stands ready, willing and able to help her in any way he can.”

See? Michael Lohan isn’t a grasping, fame-hungry flange. He loves Lindsay Lohan, and he’ll help her in any way he can. Unless that way involves not banging on about her various substance problems every time he opens his poxy mouth. A man’s got to have some standards, you know.

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If there’s one thing we hate, it’s when Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan force us to play favourites.

It’s impossible. They’re just both so indistinguishably awful. On the one hand we’ve got Lindsay Lohan, who seems to think that her career rebirth will come in the form of a low-budget movie about a woman who spent most of her adult life flitting between making hardcore pornography and being beaten up and raped by her abusive husband. And on the other hand we’ve got Michael Lohan, who has just declared that he doesn’t want Lindsay Lohan to make her porno film on the basis that she should make more movies like The Parent Trap instead.

We just don’t know who to side with here. Apart from neither of them. Oh, hey, that’s a good idea. We’ll side with neither of them. That was easier than we expected.

When Lindsay Lohan announced that her next film would be a biopic of Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace, it was inevitable that her father Michael Lohan would have an opinion about it. That’s because announcing that her next film ould be a biopic of Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace was a thing that Lindsay Lohan has done, and Michael Lohan believes that if he doesn’t publicly pass comment on every single thing that Lindsay Lohan does, his balls will instantly drop off.

So the public retort was a given, but nobody knew which way Michael Lohan would swing. For example, would he realise that playing a real-life character in a hard-hitting biopic would mark Lindsay Lohan’s best chance to date of winning an Oscar? Or would he freak out because he thinks it’s shabby and degrading and gormless outrage is basically his default setting anyway? Oh, have a guess. UsMagazine reports:

Asked if he thinks the move will hurt her career, he snapped, “What do you think? Come on! Seriously – why? She did Parent Trap, Confessions, Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, Just My Luck and Herbie. She started with Parent Trap and now this? Why? Who makes these decisions? If I was there, it would never happen, believe me. There’s no way to resurrect your career after that.”

The key phrase in that paragraph was “If I was there”. It looks as though Michael Lohan is still gunning for that conservatorship of Lindsay Lohan, because only he thinks he can progress Lindsay Lohan’s career beyond the squalid pseudo-porn of the Lovelace biopic to the heady heights of that awful Disney thing she did 12 years ago with the bloke from Innerspace. Or, alternatively, make her star in a film he wrote called Michael Lohan Saves The World And Shags Loads Of Sexy Women Because He Is Really Ace And Stuff. Which, admittedly, would still be a step up from I Know Who Killed Me.

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At this point in her life, Lindsay Lohan could probably use the firm hand of someone she trusts to guide her.

So long as it’s not Michael Lohan. Putting Michael Lohan in charge of Lindsay Lohan would be a catastrophic mistake. Put Michael Lohan in charge of Lindsay Lohan’s career and he’ll make her star in reality shows and Michael Lohan: The Motion Picture. Put Michael Lohan in charge of Lindsay Lohan’s finances and he’ll spend it all on shoes to hit people with. Put Michael Lohan in charge of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life and he’ll force her to date a misshapen life-size papier mache figurine of himself. It’s a mistake.

So it’s a shame to reveal that Michael Lohan is apparently serious about getting full conservatorship of Lindsay Lohan. We’d be happy about this if we sold shoes or papier mache for a living – but we don’t, so we aren’t.

This week alone Lindsay Lohan has been sacked from a film, banned from a chain of nightclubs for hurling a glass at Sam Ronson‘s head and accused of being $600,000 in debt. Her life, no matter how you choose to look at it, is in the toilet. There is no possibly way that her circumstances could be any worse than they currently are.

Oh, wait, hang on. Yes they could. Michael Lohan could be put in charge of her.

That would make things spectacularly worse than they currently are. Then you’d have Michael Lohan (a notorious fame-seeking opportunist who abandoned his family, only to come crawling back when he caught a sniff of money) looking after Lindsay Lohan (a trainwreck of a former childstar who hates Michael Lohan enough to dedicate around 85% of her Twitter feed to slagging him off in bizarrely fractured English). It’d be like Whatever Happened To Baby Jane, except worse because the golden days of Baby Jane’s fantasies would largely revolve around Herbie: Fully Loaded.

But that hasn’t stopped Michael Lohan from taking the first steps towards becoming Lindsay Lohan’s official Britney Spears-style conservator. The Denver Post reports:

Lindsay Lohan‘s dad, Michael Lohan, told TMZ yesterday that he was heading to his lawyer’s office to get the ball rolling on a conservatorship over Lindsay. Michael reportedly gave Lindsay an ultimatum — either meet with him right then or he’s going to court. Lindsay nixed the idea, sources told TMZ, although she did text him to ask for his support to smooth things over.

Michael Lohan’s conservatorship of Lindsay Lohan almost certainly won’t happen – traditionally it’s hard to take control of someone’s life if you’re just as messed up as they are – but we’d like to know why he’s even trying. It can’t be because he cares about Lindsay’s welfare, because he got police to raid her home a few days ago. It can’t be for her money, because she’s reportedly in so much debt. So why, then? Maybe Michael Lohan is just a dick. Maybe that’s it. Maybe he’s just a dick.

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The best thing – or, if you’re a human being with feelings, worst thing – about Lindsay Lohan’s life is that there’s no rock bottom.

It keeps getting worse. Through the arrests and the drugs and the rehab and the unemployability and everything else that has happened to Lindsay Lohan over the last few years, at least she’s been able to pride herself on the fact that her father has never staged a spurious police-enforced raid on her house to rescue Lindsay’s 16-year-old sister from her evil clutches.

But that’s what happened yesterday. And, thanks to the combination of Michael Lohan‘s attention-seeking dimwittery, Lindsay Lohan’s compulsion to tweet everything that happens to her and the fact that Michael and Lindsay Lohan pretty much make the world’s worst father/daughter partnership, this adds up to the funniest story ever. Or, if you’re a human being with feelings, the most depressing story ever.

We dislike Michael Lohan. Of course we do. We’d dislike anyone whose sperm is directly responsible for creating Lindsay Lohan. But lately we’ve realised that we really dislike Michael Lohan. Why? Because he’s made us feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan used to be the funnest car crash around. It was hilarious when she was arrested for DUI, it was brilliant when she decided to become a lesbian, and Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex is something that we can still only talk about with the kind of hushed awe that’s usually saved for quite nice Mediterranean cathedrals. But then Michael Lohan had to come along and, with his bad decision-making skills, relentless self-interest and general toolery, he’s managed to make Lindsay Lohan look like a genuinely tragic figure.

Just yesterday, under the pretence of being concerned for his 16-year-old daughter, Michael Lohan managed to rally enough policemen to raid Lindsay Lohan’s LA home while she was still in it. Police, unsurprisingly, found ‘no evidence of abuse’ in the apartment and left again, leaving Lindsay Lohan to leave an epic 36-tweet rant about him on her Twitter feed. Highlights:

OMG!!!!!!!!!! i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister’s safety, as well as my own, “my ex-dad” just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil’s advocate with officers…. let’s not forget, that my father KIDNAPPED me from a COURT ROOM when i was 4 years old and is CRAZY… pathological liar- a person who lies to the point of it being considered a disease or condition, an abnormally habitual liar = MY FATHER.

It’s been reported that the real reason for Michael Lohan’s raid is that he’s keen to become Lindsay Lohan’s Britney-style conservator. At this juncture we feel as if we should point out to Michael that conservatorships tend not to be given to people who are clearly as batshit – if not more batshit – than the people they’re supposed to be looking after.

On the bright side, this could hopefully mark rock bottom for the Lohans, and from this point they’ll be able to figure out a way to interact with each other in a more respectful way. Although, that said, we did once say that Amy Winehouse had hit rock bottom, and then a couple of weeks later her tits exploded. We know nothing, that’s our point here.

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We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.

And we’re sorry. We’re truly sorry. Michael Lohan, if you’re reading this, we’d like you to keep revealing aspects of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life to the press, in as minuscule detail as you can possibly manage. Because now we’ve seen what the alternative is, and it’s several times worse.

The alternative to Michael Lohan talking about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life, you see, is Michael Lohan talking about his own personal life. Specifically, talking about how many times he gets to have sex with his new fiance every night. And – given that even thinking about Michael Lohan’s pink, jail-worn penis for even a second is enough to induce waves of feverish vomiting – we’d happily go back to hearing him bang on about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is at any given point in time. Happily.

Michael Lohan has got engaged. There’s nothing weird about that. Michael Lohan’s an attractive man and just because he once attacked someone with a shoe and ended up in jail, and is routinely singled out as the world’s worst father by various members of the Lohan family, and frequently betrays Lindsay Lohan’s trust to her constant vocal dismay, and has been accused of punching an ex-girlfriend in the face and kicking her in the vagina, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t allowed happiness.

But what sort of woman would agree to get married to Michael Lohan? Why, the sort of woman who’d willingly have sex with Jon Gosselin, of course. Not lovely, put-upon, pre-fame Jon Gosselin, either – we mean balding, earringed, puke-coloured shirt-wearing, reality TV choad Jon Gosselin. So step forward Kate Major, because you’re the woman of questionable taste who’ll one day have to stand in a church, look God in the eye and sincerely proclaim that you honestly love Michael Lohan.

That’s fine, though – maybe Michael Lohan and Kate Major really do love each other. And who could deprive them of their happiness? After all, it’s not like Michael Lohan is going around telling everyone how many times he has sex with Kate Major each night, is it?

What’s that? IT IS? Oh dear christ no. Digitalspy reports:

“Kate wants a baby, we practice at least four times a night. We agreed, that if she does get pregnant, one is enough,” Michael said. Michael added that he hopes Lindsay and the rest of his children will attend his wedding “if Dina doesn’t thwart it like she did my dads funeral”.

At least four times a night? Recent heart attack victim Michael Lohan has sex with Kate Major at least four times a night? Boy oh boy, that Kate Major is one lucky woman. Imagine Michael Lohan’s bright red face bearing down on you all contorted four times a night. Imagine that, but with the added possibility of him having another coronary embolism and collapsing lifelessly on top of you so that the paramedics have to physically pull him out of you before they can take him to hospital. Imagine it.

Yep, that Kate Major is one lucky woman alright.

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Upsetting news for all you Michael Lohan fans – it seems as if Michael Lohan has suffered a minor heart attack.

What’s that? Michael Lohan doesn’t have any fans? Well, push your ill feelings for him to one side for a moment – Michael Lohan is still a human being made of flesh and blood, and he needs your sympathy and good wishes after going through what’s undoubtedly a highly traumatic experience.

Also, he needs you to stand still while he reads out all of the text messages that Lindsay Lohan sent him about his heart attack. No, really, some of them are quite good. And, no, Lindsay probably wouldn’t mind everyone hearing them even though she repeatedly accuses Michael Lohan of betraying her trust. Or maybe she would. Who’s knows with that kid, huh?

Here are three words we never thought we’d write in a row: poor Michael Lohan. No, really, poor Michael Lohan. The poor chap just had a minor heart attack and yesterday he had an angioplasty operation to try and fix it. If that fails, surgeons will move directly onto a bypass. It’s not entirely unexpected – Michael Lohan has been taking medication for a heart condition for years, and in recent weeks he’d been complaining of a tightness in his chest – but it is sad. Hopefully he’ll get well soon.

Obviously Michael Lohan’s family couldn’t immediately rush to his bedside following his episode – Lindsay Lohan is too busy suing a baby for $100 million and Dina Lohan is probably trying to concentrate on coming up with bad puns based on her name that she can use to endorse products – but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care. On the contrary, upon hearing of her father’s heart attack, Lindsay Lohan composed the most heartfelt text message possible; one so profoundly moving that Michael Lohan felt compelled to share it. The New York Daily News reports:

While awaiting an angioplasty procedure Wednesday in which surgeons will place stents to unblock his coronary arteries, Lohan found enough time to blab to the press about a personal message he received from his famous daughter.”I got a text message from Lindsay which read ‘OMG. Hope you are okay’ and my other kids have all been in contact with me, too,” he said from his hospital bed.

“OMG. Hope you are OK”. Goodbye poets, we no longer have any use for you. Lindsay Lohan has managed to sum up the entire human condition – all its peaks and troughs, all its fleeting moments of spiritual connection, all its emotion – into a five-word sentence, two of which are made up of initials. You’ve got a keeper there and no mistake, Michael Lohan.

But still, even though Michael Lohan has somehow shone a light on both a) how little Lindsay Lohan seems to care for him and b) how little respect he continues to have for Lindsay Lohan’s privacy, we nevertheless wish him well. Long may you live, Michael Lohan. At least long enough to write an opportunist book about your family that’s shitty enough for none of them to ever work again. We wouldn’t really have any need for you after that.

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Michael Lohan is not one of our favourite people. He is the father of Lindsay Lohan by biology alone. At this point, not even strained Christmas reunions swapping badly wrapped socks could mend the father-daughter bond. Not that we care much mind you, but we’re all about calling a spade a spade.

This weekend there was a hoax to end all hoaxes. Well, perhaps that’s overstating. Okay, it is overstating. That implies the hoax was remotely convincing or well-executed and it wasn’t. At the least, it provided filler for bored bloggers on a slow news day.

The fake Twitter account @themichaellohan was used to send out a series of messages on Sunday. These tweets were written in a manner that you could imagine Michael speaking in person. Monosyllabic and constructed as though he had mashed his keyboard with his palms.

There were a few un-punctuated tweets sent over a few hours. These contained fake threats of suicidal thoughts and the threat of the act itself. In this year’s best example of wishful thinking gone awry, several large outlets including Gawker wrote about the fake goodbyes and threat to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

There were a handful of clues that this all shouting, no substance Twitter account was fake. It’s generally never a good idea to report ‘fact’ from a brand new, unverified Twitter source. As it’s not a source. It’s a flippin’ waste of time – time that would be better spent nose picking or butt scratching. Seriously, bloomin’ hell.

It’s nothing short of amazing that so many people were taken in, hook line and sinker, by such a simple ruse. All it took was a few minutes and enough people who disliked the subject that no one questioned a suicide threat. Um, we don’t like him either, as he’s a tool. A real tool. A total, annoying tooly tool. But that doesn’t mean we’ll jump all over unverified panic-monger reports that he’s dead.

From Allie is Wired:

Michael let it all out via Twitter just a little bit ago, and it’s not looking pretty. Oh, where to start?  He was widely criticized for releasing those recorded conversations, and it seems like everything is getting to him and he wants to end it all.

The Gawker report was updated, to say the account was bogus. They also have before and after pictures of tweets that were later deleted from the account. Gawker mentions one of the only outlets who cared enough about Michael’s whereabouts to do some digging, Shabooty.

From Shabooty:

@TheMichaelLohan is in fact an impostor. Here’s the email Lohan sent [...]: This is not not not me. I do not have and never had a twitter and twitter’s corporate office confirms that. My lawyers are investigating.

This whole episode went toward proving several things. It’s bloody annoying to have to go back and hastily edit a high-profile post. It’s bloody annoying to find out hastily written posts from wobbly sources don’t stand up to scrutiny. Most importantly, the bloody Twitter account was bogus and so that means… we won’t say it – but you know where we’re headed.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is ten kinds of awesome

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Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?

We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.

Now that Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been mercifully covered with a blanket and shot in the head, it’s only a matter of time before Jon and Kate Gosselin start popping up in other places. Kate Gosselin, it’s rumoured, could end up with a reality show about being a single mother. And as for Jon Gosselin? if he isn’t given an Odd Couple-style reality TV show starring him and Michael Lohan called something like Come And Watch The Two Worst People On The Face Of The Earth Being Dicks To Everyone by this time next year, it’ll be a tragedy.

Because, christ, the two of them. They’ve both got their own individual ideas on parenting – Jon Gosselin prefers to have sex with nannies in hot tubs while his children are sleeping, Michael Lohan likes to threaten to kidnap his kids in public – but when they come together, it’s a non-stop funride of hilarity all the way. And when we say ‘hilarity’ we mean ‘genuinely creepy paranoia.

A taped phone call, ostensibly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, has hit the internet. In it, Gosselin alleges that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s network TLC took money from deals the family had made with magazines. Although that’s not quite how Jon Gosselin put it. RadarOnline reports:

It’s clear that Jon believes his (supposed) knowledge of these deals means TLC will not stop him from talking . He says “They haven’t said (bleep).” The Jon & Kate Plus 8 former star claims TLC got paid in a side deal and says “I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.”

Now, part of us thinks that it might be a little late to start worrying about exposing your children to paedophiles after allowing them to star in their own TV show for two and a half years. And another part of us thinks that, regardless of this weird paedophile threat, the children would be better off if Jon Gosselin could somehow refrain from banging on about them like a twat all the time.

The biggest part of us, though, just really really wants all of the Gosselins – and Michael Lohan as well, now that he’s part of it – to be bundled into a sack and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Please.

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