Michael Lohan - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Refuses To Pee In A Cup, Everyone Panics

June 3rd, 2013 By Rhiannon Davies

It’s no wonder Lindsay Lohan’s having trouble keeping off the hooch – having her parents would be enough to drive Mother Theresa to drink her liver to kingdom come.?

The pair have been in a constant battle since their split in 2005, with Dina doing everything from accusing her ex-husband of ?beating her whilst off his tits on cocaine to a drunken interview with Dr Phil. In between his constant press releases bashing Dina and telling everyone that Lindsay is a mess, ?Michael even found the time to pen an open letter to his daughter in the form of a song. Like the Von Trapps, if The Sound Of Music was set in a trailer park rather than Austria.

The latest chapter in this never-ending saga involves a lie detector test, a reality TV show, and Dina refusing to pee in plastic cup.

Michael Says God Will Judge Lindsay Lohan (Psst – God Doesn’t Exist)

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.

Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!

Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.

Lindsay Lohan Stays In Spotlight Thanks To Father’s Arrest For Domestic Violence

March 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan has been threatening to turn into a real bore after knocking drink and drugs on the head and seemingly not stealing some jewels from a shop. She’s wandering into nun territory and we’re not talking about the funny nuns from the movies. We mean proper, boring, pious nuns.

However, fear not! Thankfully, her dad, Michael Lohan is on hand to liven up the party!

That’s right kiddiekins, Lohan Snr was arrested on three felony charges in West Hollywood after a female companion accused him of domestic violence at a nearby apartment, according to the police. As Rodney King will testify, the LA police department are a trustworthy source of information and moral fortitude.

Lindsay Lohan Is No Longer Addicted To Anything Fun; Is No Longer Fun.

January 19th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Lindsay Lohan is no longer an addict of anything. We’d speculated that she’d become addicted to ‘buttons of the chocolate’. Alas, no dice. She’s no longer an addict of anything remotely fun. Nor of anything illegal. Says her father, who’d never lie about that. Never!

Michael Lohan has been speaking to media outlets, who aren’t us, about his daughter’s progress following rehab. Lindsay spent the very end of last year in and out of the Betty Ford facility, withdrawing from her assorted ills.

She’d had dirty drug tests for amphetamines and cocaine in the recent past. However, she’s no longer failing tests and multi-tasking by thumbing her nose at the judge.

Lindsay Lohan May Have A Stalker – A Stalker Called Hecklerspray?

December 16th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve been rumbled. At least, that’s what it sounds like. See, Lindsay Lohan has become afraid, threatened and targeted. All things you could blame useless, leeching shits like us for. However, she’s under the impression its a stalker that is causing her bother, which means we can get on with our business.

So while a poor, defenceless stalker is being blamed for her disposition – so much so that people at Betty Ford are taking measures to protect her, we continue to write pithy, near-fictional articles with bad jokes crow-barred in.

What’s all the fuss then?

Dina Lohan Finally Admits Lindsay Is A Chocolate Buttons Addict… Oh, Wait.

November 10th, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Dina Lohan has finally admitted that her daughter, Lindsay Lohan, is an addict. We were excited to learn this, as we’re on pretty hard stuff too. Our weight in chocolate buttons, every time we get the hecklerspray house groceries in.

Giving up is hard to do. Lindsay’s an addict too. She’s not addicted to anything fun, though. She’s in rehab for cocaine. Which is probably less tasty and more deadly than delicious chocolate. At least that means more sweets for us.

While we rip into this unopened pack of melty goodness, we need to update you on all things Lohan. As the entire clan has been acting more cracked-out than usual, in recent weeks.

Lindsay Lohan Meets Up With Her Dad At Betty Ford Clinic Which Is Boring

November 8th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan was once an actress. Then she was a lesbian. Then she was a drug-addled crackpot. Now, she’s in rehab and looking at herself in the mirror thinking “Jeez. All I wanted was a good time! It’s not like I killed anyone!”

And now, her father – who has been rentagob for a quote when LiLo wasn’t available – is back on the scene and they’re all ready to kiss and make up with each other.

That’s right! You’ll be thrilled to learn that Lindsay Lohan met her father, Michael Lohan, for several hours last Sunday at the Betty Ford clinic.

Lindsay Lohan To Publish The World?s Shortest, Most Pointless Book

August 4th, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Despite being in jail for less time than it takes the average person to squeeze out a poo after a heavy night on the Guinness, Lindsay Lohan has apparently written enough guff in her ?prison journal? to turn it into a full-sized book.

That, or have someone else ghost-write her scrawlings into a full-sized book, which is basically the same thing, right?

On balance, this is probably a good thing. Surely, even she will be limited to one potential artistic outpouring from being in jail for a couple of hours, so the possibility of her releasing that album she threatened to make is rapidly approaching zero. Even better – books are so much easier to ignore, or burn, or turn into paper-mache representations of thin Irishmen drowning in a lake of half-dissolved gumdrops and chemical waste, than CDs, aren't they?

Michael Lohan Is a Complete and Utter Scumbag. Unless He Isn’t.

July 27th, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Michael Lohan may have, allegedly, set a new record for mind-blowing scumminess.

We say ‘allegedly’, as we’re awaiting official verification that Michael is really the scum of the earth. We’re expecting that certified letter in the post, any day now.

There are some pretty breathtaking allegations being slung at Michael right now. Not that most of his deplorable and exploitative behaviour surprises us at this point. However, there’s one thing in particular that’s stuck in our craws. The accusation that Michael took pictures of half-naked ex-fiance Kate Major while she was passed out in bed, ones so NSFW and objectionable that we’re not even willing to link to them, and he sold them.

Lindsay Lohan In Rehab, Michael Lohan Makes It All About Him

July 16th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You’d think that Lindsay Lohan would spend the next few days drunk, to numb the horror of jail next week.

But no. That’s not Lindsay Lohan’s style. Wait, what are we talking about? That’s precisely Lindsay Lohan’s style. But, for whatever reason – possibly because she thinks it’ll stop her from going to jail in the first place – Lindsay Lohan has checked into a Los Angeles rehab centre at the behest of OJ Simpson‘s old lawyer.

It’ll be tough, but at least Lindsay Lohan’s family has chosen to display some dignity and respect her privacy. Apart from Michael Lohan, obviously, who is essentially treating the news as an opportunity to slip on a neon top hat and screech “LOOK AT ME!” directly into the lens of every single news camera within a three-mile radius of him. Which isn’t really his style. Oh, wait…