Articles tagged with: Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will. The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere. She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn't have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.
Here's some good news - New Lindsay Lohan has regressed. Long live Old Lindsay Lohan. Or New Old Lindsay Lohan. Or something. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is brilliant again. Hooray! Just a few days after she was hauled to court, Lindsay Lohan has regressed again and apparently decided to take a restraining order out against her father in case he decides to kidnap her. It's just like the good old days! Although let's just pray that Lindsay Lohan doesn't keep regressing too much - if she regresses back to her childhood then she'll start making films that aren't terrible again, and where's the fun in that?
Lindsay Lohan and her dad Michael have a complex relationship - you never know who the biggest twonk is.
Obviously your first instinct is Lindsay Lohan. She's not just a twonk these days - she's a professional twonk, with her every move painstakingly calibrated for maximum twonkiness. But look closer and you'll see that Michael Lohan comprehensively out-twonks his daughter.
Why? Because Michael Lohan has written a blog post urging the public to help him split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, that's why. Oh, but he does consistently refer to Sam Ronson as SaMANtha, so at least wit's on his side, eh?
We might be alone on this one, but does anyone else think that they picked the wrong members of the Lohan family for Living Lohan? Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we're just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan. Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a 'bully' and a 'public embarrassment'. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she's on about - she's something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.
She may have officially become one of the world's dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we're still sticking with the girl. Because we like Lindsay Lohan - how could we not? She's given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It's hard to be really very mad at an old friend. But it wouldn't seem that hard for Lindsay's 'born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father' (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere 'religious' reasons. Big Mike has decided he can't walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system. You've got to love religion. Especially when it's one that you've been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can't argue with the man's priorities, we suppose.
In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.
This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake - it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.
OK everyone, you can put the nature vs nurture debate to bed now - the newly-discovered illegitimate half-sister of Lindsay Lohan proves that it's definitely nature.
Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann - the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair - was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.
According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann - we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet.
Mark our words - there shall be a time when the kingdom of Lohan falls.
There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity - and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.
All will be a memory.
But fear not - for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan - a secret Lohan - conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct - and he thinks she might be telling the truth.
