If Michael Jackson ever lost Neverland, he'd be a broken shell of a man - or at least more broken and shelly than he is now, if that's even possible.

Luckily, though, we don't have to concern ourselves with that any more - Michael Jackson isn't going to lose Neverland any more.

Although it had been up for public auction next month, Michael Jackson has worked out a private agreement with an investment group to make sure that Neverland stays his. Bad luck everyone else - you'll just have to find another spooky dilapidated old ranch complete with its own nightmarish arrested-adolescent fairground and hard-to-remove, albeit legally-nonexistent, child abuse connotations to spend your money on.

You there! Need a creepy set for your latest horror movie? Don't cry when you walk around abandoned zoos? Quite a lot richer than you have any reason to be?

Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.

That's right - there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot. 

Yes, you read that correctly - at the Super Bowl, the New York Giants will be replaced with Michael Jackson, who'll face off against the New England Patriots with just a monkey in a helmet for help.

No, we're just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday's Super Bowl - music. But Michael Jackson won't be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn't cut it as entertainment any more.

Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that's not true either - some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Not much of a story, this, is it?

When hecklerspray saw 30 Days Of Night last year, we had to admit that we found it a little creepy.

After all, the idea of being surrounded by rat-faced violent sociopaths for an entire month is something that should send a shiver down the spine of any right-thinking human being. Unless, of course, you live anywhere near Wigan, in which case that's just business as usual all year round.

Still - there's actually one thing that unsettles us more than spending 30 days in the company of bloodsucking vampires, and that's spending 30 days in the company of 'unique' pop star Michael Jackson. Note: this fear isn't particularly based on any of his face-falling-apart, dangling-babies-over-balconies habits, but more to do with the fact that he might try singing Heal The World at us over and over again.

You've gotta feel sorry, then, for the O2 Arena. For it's looking very likely that Jacko is all set to fly over to the UK and perform a 30 day stint. A bit like Prince did, except that everyone going to see him only really paid attention to the popular eighties stuff and politely ignored the rest.

Hang on...

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face - but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' - now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

For years the world has thought that a Jackson Five reunion would be impossible, not least because nobody can imagine going to watch a gang of rickety old child-stars limping through Rockin' Robin fronted by a frail alabaster ghoul.

However, the world clearly doesn't have the self-belief of Jermaine Jackson, because he's decided that this exact tactic is what will make him successful again. According to Jermaine Jackson, the Jackson Five will reform and play some shows next year, with Michael Jackson firmly in place as a member of the group. But, accounting for Michael Jackson's notorious flakiness, Jermaine Jackson has drafted in a few Jackson Five understudies as a contingency should Michael Jackson pull out. And who wouldn't want to see a reunited Jackson Five with Samuel L Jackson, Randy Jackson or noted long-dead American organic chemist Charles Loring Jackson singing all of Michael's parts?