Wacko Jacko is under fire after the European wing of PETA threw an ethical bomb at his 50-date O2 extravaganza.

His extensive residence at London’s O2 Arena, starting July 8th, is reported to be ‘jungle-themed’ and will feature an African elephant, processions of panthers, parrots, wild birds and Masai warriors… but thankfully, no children are involved.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals choked on their tofu salads when they caught wind of Jacko’s plans and responded immediately with pleading letters, bags of flour and a resurrected report of the star’s sordid past with the animal kingdom.

“These animals belong in Africa, not the O2 Arena among screaming fans, bright lights and stage explosions,” said PETA in a statement to NME.com. “They are deprived of everything that is natural and important to them when they are forced to perform under stressful conditions. Michael needs to learn to leave exotic animals alone.”

The onslaught continued as PETA reiterated their 2008 investigation of the animal outcasts from Neverland Ranch, the star’s former residence. The organisation tracked the private sale of four Jackson giraffes to a couple in Arizona who planned to open a zoo. According to their findings, the animals had been kept in ‘temporary’ enclosures measuring 15 by 15 feet, while one, named Princess, had bled for five days after giving birth to a stillborn calf. Other members of Jacko’s animal family such as Bubbles the Monkey, were reported to have been sold off to animal trainers in Hollywood.

In a letter published yesterday, PETA’s UK director, Robbie LeBlanc, urged the CEO of entertainment giant AEG Europe to prohibit the use of wild animals at Jackson’s concert. Detailed examples were given on the King of Pop’s flagrant disregard for animal welfare, cruel training methods involving bull hooks and electric prods plus a reference to US show Siegfried & Roy where one of the hosts was mauled by a tiger in Las Vegas, 2003. He wrote:

“The plan to use animals in his concerts would be blatantly cruel and potentially, a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that Jackson’s shows sold out instantly is proof that all the star needs to do to thrill his fans is simply show up.”

The prospect of an already hideous O2 arena being fashioned after the sick and narcissist fantasies of Michael Jackson is poisonous food for thought. Despite PETA’s well-earned reputation as feminine vegan fascists, one tends to agree with them when confronted by Jackson’s general history as an abuser of animals and other life-forms. 1,200 speakers, stage lights and 20,000 screaming fans over 50 days just might be a little bit much, Michael.

Mind that your birthday doesn’t turn into the world’s most extravagant performance of Animal Farm.

[story by Alex de Moller]

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A guest blog by Stuart Waterman from My Chemical Toilet…

Last week saw Michael Jackson finally announce his live comeback, with a string of ten shows at London’s O2.

Those are the bare facts, but as with everything involving Michael Jackson there was a whole screaming funfair of blazing mentalism surrounding the five-minute ‘press conference’. One man actually flew from the Americas to London just to see Michael Jackson wave and talk for five minutes. You’d hope there were a couple of decent movies being shown on the plane over, but if all he got was Bride Wars and Leprechaun 4: In Space it kind of serves him right.

Because if there’s one incontrovertible fact I’ve learned from writing a music blog, it’s that Michael Jackson fans are so collectively brainshagged that they could almost be mistaken for trying to outcrazy their idol in order to make him appear more normal.
As a youngster I was actually a big Michael Jackson fan myself. Like every kid, I tried to do the Moonwalk. I wanted to own a sparkly glove badly. I sang songs to rats.

Do you know what happened then? I grew up. But like 40 year-old provincial goths who refuse to give up the leather trenchcoats and purple make-up, Michael Jackson and his most hardcore fans never did. They’re locked together in some twisted eternal feedback loop of arrested development.

And it’s not just people old enough to remember MJ at his peak who bring the berserkism – there’s a whole new generation of anonymous, youthful insaniacs happy to throw themselves online and perpetuate the image of Michael Jackson fans as caps lock lunatics.

On the music blog I write, it’s always with a sick mixture of glee and trepidation that I flex my fingers and prepare to write a post about Michael Jackson. As soon as anything hits the web with so much as a passing reference to him, an alarm goes off on the computer of every frothy-mouthed Jackonaut across the globe.

When the recently-announced shows were being mooted, I wrote an article with the headline “Would you pay a fortune to see Michael Jackson at London’s O2“? In the ensuing copy I concluded that I, personally, would pay £50-£60 to see Michael Jackson live (since I’ve just been laid off I reserve the right to change my mind on that).

One of the comments somehow interpreted this as a diss on their eccentric overlord:

“WHY DO PPL KNOCK MJ? I MEAN IM 18 NOW BUT I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS 5-12 YEARS OLD ALL THE KIDS COULD TALK ABOUT WAS MJ AND HIS HISTORY TOUR ETC ETC ASK NE ONE AND MJ IS STILL AS KOOOOOL AS IT GETS!!!”

While ridiculously defensive, that comment barely regsiters on the derange-o-meter. For premium furniture-throwing, tits-out, knickers-off, doorstep-defecating insanity, it’s better to write a short article drawing attention to a “Wacko Jacko” Halloween mask that resembles Michael Jackson.

Comments on this post ranged from the intriguingly solution-based:

“Yes, Michael is King. It seems that humans like to make fun of people who are different. It has always been that way. I think he should make a video, but paint his head green, then get a computer to make him look exactly how he wants to look. That would be awesome.”

To the enraged:

“FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING TWAT HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOME ONE MADE A MASK OUT OF YOU WOULD PROBABLY BE ACTUALLY SCARY DICK HEEEEEAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!!!!!”

To the confusing, yet still inventively insulting:

“WHY COPY THE LAST COMPANY. YOUR JUST AS BAD AS THEM.YOUR ALSO A BUNCH OF SPAZSTICKS. JUST LEAVE THE POOR MAN ALONE. HE IS A HUMAN. HE HAS FEELINGS TOO, SO WHY HERT THEM. THE NEXT MASK THATS ONLINE IS THE ANGRY MOB OF FANS FOR YOU BUDDY.”

To the arousing:

“Hey Michael Jackson isn’t Scary at all… Have u guys seen his latest vogue magazine photoshoot He is smouldering hot in those pics… “

In case you were wondering – yes, that is the first and only ever reference to Michael Jackson as “smouldering hot”.

Considering the rumours and controversies surrounding Michael Jackson – and the fact that they are never really going to go away – I can’t think of any other person who can inspire such blind, scary adoration (I’m not counting God, because he’s made up). One suspects that if Michael Jackson was broadcast on television, live, taking a nine-inch serrated blade to a newborn kitten’s throat, an army of laptop automatons would immediately march all over the internet denouncing the baby pussy cat as a hater who deserved it.

What’s fantastic, of course, is that this summer is going to be relentlessly, unavoidably Michael Jackson-shaped, which means there will be plenty more opportunities to write about him and therefore plenty more opportunities for his entertainingly unhinged fans to keep us all amused.

This happy little discussion was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from the really very good My Chemical Toilet. Go read now.

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OK, let’s play a game – how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London?

Because, let’s face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London’s O2 tomorrow, there can’t be anyone who’s actually expecting them to, you know, happen.

So what’ll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he’s accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we’re just messing. He won’t.

It’s never been formally acknowledged, but judging by all the frantic behind-the-scenes machinations, it seems like Michael Jackson might be in a spot of financial bother. Hardly a week passes without Michael Jackson getting sued by someone, plus he’s had to sell his house and there’s a slight chance that he’s had to shell out for a load of medical bills because his lungs are like like tiny coconut husks and his face looks like a soggy coffee holder.

Plus, you know a man’s in trouble when he sells off his own robot head. So that means that Michael Jackson has had to accept that he’ll have to do something truly dramatic to get his life back in order. Something that’s as alien to him as finding a well-fitting snood or conversing with adults. In short, Michael Jackson is going to do some concerts.

Better yet, Michael Jackson is going to stage his giant comeback concerts in London, so he’ll get to do it surrounded by disagreeable weather and generally awful people. AP reports:

The King of Pop is due to meet the press at a London concert arena this week to announce the mother of all comebacks — a string of concerts that organizers hope will net the financially troubled star millions. Jackson flew into London by private jet Tuesday ahead of a “special announcement” Thursday afternoon at the city’s O2 Arena. It is widely expected he will announce a string of up to 30 dates.

But really? Is Michael Jackson really going to do these concerts? We can’t help thinking that he won’t. He’s got a history of making promises that never come through – like the time he was supposed to give a show-stopping performance of Thriller at the World Music Awards but then just ended up singing two lines of We Are The World with some kids and then going home. Or the Hurricane Katrina charity single that never materialised. And we’re still waiting for that album of duets with the Pope, thank you very much.

But, as the report said, the concerts could net Michael Jackson millions. And that’d be plenty to get him out of any financial pickle he may or may not be in.

Or, you know, he could spunk the lot on a giant golden vase shaped like a cherub riding a swan through a rainbow. Either one’s fine.

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