Quick everyone! Don your sparkly gloves and pick up your replica Bubbles the monkey soft toy.

Do we have some earth shattering news for you! You may have to put your hand over your crotch so people don’t know you’ve pissed yourself in excitement.

Everyone knows that Michael Jackson is coming to London in July to sing a few songs and try smile. Being in the presence of a living legend is one thing, but won’t it be boring when he mimes from his old catalogue of hits? Don’t think that for a second, though! Michael Jackson is rumoured to be debuting new material at his gigs.

Back in the days when the most interesting thing about Michael Jackson was that he had a pet monkey, he could also dance fairly well. No surface was a problem for him – it was like his superpower involved awing thousands of people who couldn’t figure out how to do it themselves.

It’s been bloody ages since Michael last performed, and quite a few things have changed in the meantime. Back then he was able to walk around without the aid of 50 people and he wasn’t falling to pieces with all kinds of supposed deadly flesh-eating viruses.

So to announce a multi-date residency in London’s O2 seems a bit of a radical step to us. Imagine if his leg was to fall off during Thriller or, when doing a complicated dance routine like Billie Jean, his index finger flew off and blinded a teenager in the front row? Health and safety chiefs will be having a field day when MJ rolls into town.

Just seeing Michael Jackson live would be enough of a treat for his army of fans. But that’s not enough for Michael – he wants to give us something fresh and new. According to gig promoter Randy Phillips:

“Michael has got some new music and he is looking for a new way of disseminating his material to his fans. The star may give away a brand new album to fans at his shows, a measure used by Prince in 2007.”

Wow! The possibility of a free Michael Jackson album! After spending silly amounts on a gig ticket, food, drink, transport, hotel, merchandise and stupid Michael Jackson lookalike gear, it’s good to know you’ll be getting something back.

We’ve also heard that there is another competition at the end of the night where you can win physical parts of Michael Jackson! That’s right, every concert goer will get a raffle ticket and on the very last gig night, numbers will be drawn. Michael will then peel off bits of his body that you’ll be able to take home with you. Just make sure the jar you bring is big enough to fit a nose or piece of brain.

Whatever happens on the night, we’re sure it’ll be so good that you’ll see your own skin colour dramatically change thanks to sheer awesomeness of watching an old man wheeze to death on stage.

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OK, let’s play a game – how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London?

Because, let’s face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London’s O2 tomorrow, there can’t be anyone who’s actually expecting them to, you know, happen.

So what’ll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he’s accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we’re just messing. He won’t.

It’s never been formally acknowledged, but judging by all the frantic behind-the-scenes machinations, it seems like Michael Jackson might be in a spot of financial bother. Hardly a week passes without Michael Jackson getting sued by someone, plus he’s had to sell his house and there’s a slight chance that he’s had to shell out for a load of medical bills because his lungs are like like tiny coconut husks and his face looks like a soggy coffee holder.

Plus, you know a man’s in trouble when he sells off his own robot head. So that means that Michael Jackson has had to accept that he’ll have to do something truly dramatic to get his life back in order. Something that’s as alien to him as finding a well-fitting snood or conversing with adults. In short, Michael Jackson is going to do some concerts.

Better yet, Michael Jackson is going to stage his giant comeback concerts in London, so he’ll get to do it surrounded by disagreeable weather and generally awful people. AP reports:

The King of Pop is due to meet the press at a London concert arena this week to announce the mother of all comebacks — a string of concerts that organizers hope will net the financially troubled star millions. Jackson flew into London by private jet Tuesday ahead of a “special announcement” Thursday afternoon at the city’s O2 Arena. It is widely expected he will announce a string of up to 30 dates.

But really? Is Michael Jackson really going to do these concerts? We can’t help thinking that he won’t. He’s got a history of making promises that never come through – like the time he was supposed to give a show-stopping performance of Thriller at the World Music Awards but then just ended up singing two lines of We Are The World with some kids and then going home. Or the Hurricane Katrina charity single that never materialised. And we’re still waiting for that album of duets with the Pope, thank you very much.

But, as the report said, the concerts could net Michael Jackson millions. And that’d be plenty to get him out of any financial pickle he may or may not be in.

Or, you know, he could spunk the lot on a giant golden vase shaped like a cherub riding a swan through a rainbow. Either one’s fine.

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