Michael Jackson kids - HecklerSpray

Michael Jackson?s Children Already Richer Than You Will Ever Be

January 17th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

After a parent dies, it can be hard for everyone to get over the fact that they’re no longer around.

For the children of Michael Jackson, life is going to be difficult now that their father is now moonwalking in heaven. After all, being swung off a balcony just won't be the same if it's being done by somebody else. They won't be able to get that feeling of love whilst assuming that imminent death is about to occur.

But hey, the death of a family member isn't all bad. Especially when your dad was a global superstar. Prince Michael, Paris and Prince Michael II can now lead the life of luxury, though they?ll still curse their dad for giving them stupid names. However, would you care when you get ?45,000 pocket money per month? Apparently so – the little tykes want more cash to spend on stuff we can only imagine will be limited edition and00 has a pattern resembling vomit.

Michael Jackson Might Have Cooked Up A Batch Of Nazi Children

August 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Ever since Michael Jackson?s children were born, doubt has been cast on who the real daddy is.

Some say that the tykes look nothing like their father; other men claim to be the sperm donor. A couple of bright sparks in the community also twigged that his children are white instead of black.

Since Jackson?s death, the protective shield masks that were shoved over his kids’ heads have been removed. We can now go nuts over what they look like and go aww when they cry at funerals beamed live to the world. Now newspaper reports claim that Michael Jackson created his vision of a perfect child and looked to Nazism for inspiration.

Michael Jackson: Joe Jackson Sadly Refuses To Violently Raise Kids

August 5th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If one positive has come from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s probably the fact that it’s made Joe Jackson famous again.

Because, unequivocally, that man is a hero. Joe Jackson proved that, armed with little more than steely focus and a refreshing openness to emotional and physical torment, any normal child can transform into a quivering, tragic, drug-addicted megastar. And after Katherine Jackson was awarded custody of Michael Jackson’s children, everyone secretly hoped that Joe Jackson would work his magic on them, too.

But it’s not to be. Joe Jackson has promised to only intermittently visit and/or terrify the children. Spoilsport.

Michael Jackson: The Doggone Girl (And Boys) Are Katherine Jackson’s

July 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So far the death of Michael Jackson has given a lot to his fans – but what if you’re a fan of giant anticlimaxes?

Don’t worry – Michael Jackson has you covered, too. Because the custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids, which looked certain to be a scrap between Katherine Jackson, Debbie Rowe, the children’s biological parents and Diana Flipping Ross, is over. From now on, those kids belong to Katherine Jackson.

The children must be thrilled – because nobody’s more like Michael Jackson than Katherine Jackson. Apart from a half-melted waxwork figurine of a Munch painting, obviously, but that’d just be impractical.

Michael Jackson: Debbie Rowe Wants The Kids, Even Though She Doesn’t

July 15th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If anyone has a spare medal lying around, would they mind posting it to Debbie Rowe? That woman is a hero.

Why? Because she’s achieved the impossible. Debbie Rowe has taken the already-complex Michael Jackson custody case and made it so astoundingly convoluted that it’d literally take an army of rocket scientists 4,000 years to properly understand it. Although it’s widely expected that she’ll fight for custody of Michael Jackson’s kids, some emails suggest that Debbie Rowe absolutely doesn’t want anything to do with them.

Still, she’s making children feel vulnerable and scared – and that’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.

Michael Jackson Custody: Debbie Rowe Decides To Eff Things Up

July 13th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

He’s died, had his brain lopped off and been sung at by a 12-year-old, but it’s hard to let Michael Jackson go.

But we might not need to. In a way, Michael Jackson will live on forever. Not in his music or the way we’ll always be reminded of his spirit and generosity whenever we catch sight of a rainbow – that’d be creepy – but in the way that the custody battle over children is never ever going to ever end. Ever.

Especially not now that Debbie Rowe has decided to get involved. Seriously, where’s Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

Michael Jackson Sells His Kids To Diana Ross Or Something

July 2nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Jackson’s kids must be going through a horrific time at the moment – their dad has just died, after all.

Worse still, it looks like they’re going to be at the centre of a confusing, emotionally-exhausting custody battle. But maybe, just maybe, help is at hand. And it comes in the shining, mad-eyed, massively unsuitable form of Diana Ross.

That’s right. Michael Jackson stated in his will that if his mother is unable to look after his kids, then Diana Ross – his co-star in The Wiz – should. And if she can’t, then the giant plasticine rabbit from Moonwalker should. Probably.

Michael Jackson: The Gloomy, Neverending Custody Battle Starts Here

June 30th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Michael Jackson died, it was generally feared that he’d leave an Anna Nicole Smith-style mess in his wake.

Luckily that hasn’t happened. Michael Jackson lived his life free of Anna Nicole-style controversy, there’s been no Anna Nicole-style mystery behind Michael Jackson’s death and there won’t be an Anna Nicole-style custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids because they’re definitely his. We’re sure you’ll agree that’s a giant relief.

Wait a minute, Michael Jackson’s life was controversial, his death is a mystery and there’s likely to be the custody fight of the century over his children? Oh thank God for that.