We all know more or less everything about Michael Jackson’s death by now. We know what killed Michael Jackson.
We know what he was doing before he died. Thanks to Derek Acorah last week, we even know that Michael Jackson spends most of his time in the afterlife itching to say hello to Quincy Jones. But, because it was a private ceremony, we don’t really know exactly what happened at Michael Jackson’s funeral.
We wish we did, though, because it’s been revealed that the funeral cost Michael Jackson’s estate almost one million dollars. Still, he’s dead, so it’s not like the money could have been spent on anything else, like giving his children a better quality of life or anything, is it? Oh.
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Michael Jackson’s burial was closed to the media and the public yesterday – and yet it was still a big deal.
So if you were the media, what would you do? Somehow convince a mourner to reveal exactly what happened during Michael Jackson’s funeral? String out whatever painfully obvious observations you’re given – including the stunning revelation that Michael Jackson’s children seemed quite sad to be burying their father – into a hopelessly padded report that ends up being slightly uncomfortable to read?
Yes, that’s obviously what you’d do. And, as it happens, what you did yesterday. Those children were very sad, you know.
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When we die, the only thing we’d like to happen to our corpse is to have it stuffed.
That way, we could become a handy coathanger or a funky-looking light if an electrical cable was inserted up our arse.
When Michael Jackson was finally buried, it was a surprise that his corpse didn’t emerge from his coffin and slag off his own memorial service. Did he have to see his own children paraded around like monkeys? Probably not, and what about Magic Johnson singlehandedly pimping for KFC? At least in Krindjabo, where Michael was just crowned a prince of the Agni people he got a much more respectable funeral.
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In life, Michael Jackson always had a touch of the Willy Wonkas about him – reclusive, eccentric, fond of kids.
But in death? Well, in death the comparison’s gone berserk. Not only was the audience for yesterday’s Michael Jackson memorial service doled out via a lucky ticket-style lottery system, but Michael Jackson himself made sure he was front and centre throughout the show in his great big shiny coffin. How nobody started a mass singalong of I’ve Got A Golden Casket is beyond us.
But what a show the Michael Jackson memorial service was. Try and top that, Gary Glitter.
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Michael Jackson’s memorial service is, fittingly, expected to be a show to remember for those fortunate enough to gain entrance.
Yes, today is the day. Mr Michael Jackson – pop legend and child nightmare – is due to give his final performance. As befitting the clown prince of showbiz, it’s going to be a monstrous affair, filled with music royalty, heads of the entertainment industry and… a kid from Wales who came seventh in a talent competition.
Really? Wow.
See you after the jump, when we… honestly, that smug little tosswad with the hair gel?
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