As shocking and sad as Michael Jackson’s death obviously was, at least one good thing has emerged from it.
Joe Jackson. Barmy old mad-eyed Joe Jackson. He’s just exceptional value as a human being. Whether he’s skulking around in the immediate aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death trying to promote CDs to the nearest camera crew or claiming that Michael’s estate needs to pay him $20,000 a month to cover his food and rent outgoings, Joe Jackson has been nothing less than a shining model of everything that’s brilliant about humanity.
Obviously since there’s just over a week to go until the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death, Joe Jackson will no doubt keep himself to himself for the foreseeable… oh, no, our mistake – he’s just said that Michael’s death was all the fault of his wife Katherine Jackson. Whoops.
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Burying Michael Jackson isn’t like burying a normal person. It’s fraught with numerous difficulties.
For example, there’s the brain issue. Buried with, or buried without? And the location of the burial needs to somewhere where the coachloads of weeping one-gloved disturbo-fans won’t bother too many people. And, as the Thriller video manfully demonstrated, there’s not much stopping Michael Jackson from popping out of the ground and doing a little jig after he’s been buried and filled in.
But those issues seem to have been remedied, because today is the day when Michael Jackson will officially be buried. Probably. Almost probably.
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Michael Jackson’s death is such a drag. True, he’s have a huge tribute show in September and a film out in October.
But what about August? We demand more! We pay Michael Jackson’s wages, after all! Entertain us, Michael Jackson! And we don’t mean by the ongoing investigation into your allegedly unlawful death, either! We mean something fun! Something like a private burial on what would have been your 51st birthday! Really? That’s what your family is organising? Fine, you’re forgiven. Oh, we could never stay mad at you, you big lug.
Wait, Michael Jackson hasn’t been buried yet? Ugh.
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In his lifetime, Michael Jackson flourished in all mediums – music, films about gay-looking scarecrows.
Really long, slightly tedious music videos. All of them. But what about horrifying, legacy-destroying, drug-addled posthumous 3D tour rehearsal movies? Michael Jackson rules at those, too – Sony will apparently buy the rights to Michael Jackson’s final rehearsal footage, and the High School Musical director will release it before Christmas.
That’s if he can animate the six-foot dancing Plasticine rabbit in time, because a Michael Jackson movie without a Plasticine rabbit is like a Michael Jackson story without a shoehorned-in reference to Jesus Juice – weird and incomplete.
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When people talk about Michael Jackson now, it tends to be about boring stuff like the well-being of his children.
BORING. We don’t want to think of Michael Jackson as a corpse with a complex legacy. We want to remember Michael Jackson as he was in his prime. On, say, January 27th 1984 – the day that Michael Jackson was caught in an explosion on a Pepsi commercial and suffered horrific burns to his face and scalp.
Well, thanks to a video by Us Weekly, we can all relive that harrowing moment time and time again. Thanks Us Weekly! You’re the best!
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He’s died, had his brain lopped off and been sung at by a 12-year-old, but it’s hard to let Michael Jackson go.
But we might not need to. In a way, Michael Jackson will live on forever. Not in his music or the way we’ll always be reminded of his spirit and generosity whenever we catch sight of a rainbow – that’d be creepy – but in the way that the custody battle over children is never ever going to ever end. Ever.
Especially not now that Debbie Rowe has decided to get involved. Seriously, where’s Jeremy Kyle when you need him?
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While the authorities try to untangle Michael Jackson’s mess of finances and genetics, one question remains.
What killed Michael Jackson? In fairness, that’ll be answered soon enough as his toxicology results are returned. But that hasn’t stopped Michael Jackson’s dad Joe Jackson from speaking out now – he says that he suspects ‘foul play’.
Oh Joe, don’t do yourself down. True, you stole Michael Jackson’s childhood and have admitted to mercilessly beating him, and you’ve made a career of leeching off his success – but that hardly constitutes foul play. Oh, you were talking about someone else. Oh. Well this is awkward.
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If there’s one lesson to take from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s this – never tell your dermatologist anything.
And, you know, don’t give booze to children. But mainly the dermatologist thing. Say a word about your private life to a dermatologist and the instant you bite it he’ll be popping up on TV shows everywhere blabbing on about what a massive drug addict you were, how messed up your face was and how he might be the father of your children although he probably isn’t.
So take a bow, Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr Arnold Klein. You’ve done the dermatological community proud.
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As shocking and sad as Michael Jackson’s death obviously was, at least one good thing has emerged from it. 
