Michael Jackson marked his big London comeback with the phrase This Is It. But, if you ask us, maybe he was being a little premature.

Because in fairness this is it – the moment when Michael Jackson starts postponing, delaying and cancelling his comeback concerts one by one until his entire 50-date O2 residence is reduced to him banging an upturned biscuit tin with a wooden spoon for three minutes in front of a single crying child in Bluewater car park.

Michael Jackson has postponed his comeback by a week. Not because he’s ill, though. That’s important. It’s because he’s rubbish.

Remember when Prince did his residence at the O2? Remember how he promoted it by promising a continually changing setlist of all his biggest hits? And when the Spice Girls had their O2 residency and promoted it by promising an evening of unashamed nostalgia by an era-defining act? Maybe – just maybe – Michael Jackson should have been taking notes.

Because Michael Jackson’s great big comeback residency at the O2 is just weeks away now, and so far he’s promoted it by a) giving a brief, ramshackle press conference after keeping everyone waiting for hours, b) trying to base the concert around the theme of Genuinely Shocking Animal Cruelty, c) roping one of his creepy children into doing most of the singing for him and d) possibly getting skin cancer. It’s not exactly textbook, is it?

And now for the cherry on the cake – Michael Jackson has now postponed the first date of his comeback by four days. Now, Michael Jackson’s representatives are claiming that this is down to the technical complexity and boundary-smashing content of the stageshow, while newspapers are claiming that it’s because Michael Jackson honestly needs to shave some of his nose off to see how bad the cancer is.

But whatever the reason, it’s fine – Michael Jackson’s fans are notorious for their love and loyal support of their hero, and so this postponement will be met with nothing but deep and profound understanding by all concerned. Isn’t that right, The Sun?

Sarah Ketterer, who booked two £100 seats for July 10, said: “Michael Jackson has let down thousands of fans.” Sarah, 23, of Brentwood, Essex, has been offered 2010 tickets. But she said: “It’s a shambles.” Telecoms analyst Ben Wood, 37, who has four tickets for the same date, said: “I’m incensed. I’m not interested any more.”

Oh.

Look, let’s be serious for a moment. Why is everyone so surprised that Michael Jackson – a man who’s basically spent the last decade desperately trying to weedle his way out of all of his professional obligations – has started to dick about with his comeback? Wasn’t this exactly what everyone expected?

In fact, the man’s such a flake that we’re actually hoping he ends up cancelling all of the shows, since the sight of him actually onstage actually singing in a way that’s actually professional will obviously cause the entire western world to faint with disbelief as one, which would clearly harm economic productivity somewhat.

But if anyone is seriously annoyed about Michael Jackson’s concert postponement, we’ve come up with a perfect solution for you. By which we mean we’ve stuck a girl’s wig on a skeleton and we’re going to jig it about on wires to Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. Location TBA. Tickets £75.

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You know that Michael Jackson dude? The pop star who looks like a cross between a waxwork dummy and half a human being?

Well he’s announced a few gigs in London to recoup some money so he can pay off his debts and buy more extravagant things like a 40-foot-high sculpture of Barbara Windsor.

When London is plagued with his presence later this year, the singer will no doubt be asked to take part in multiple public appearances. Evil music lord Simon Cowell is one of the people who wants MJ to appear on X Factor when it annoyingly returns on our screens towards the arse end of 2009.

You’d have thought that after giving birth to the careers of Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke and The Little Crying Scottish Boy, all the musicians in the world would be queuing up to sing on X Factor. It was highly rumoured that Stevie Wonder was going to make an appearance, but he accidentally stumbled onto the set of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire instead.

The 2008 series of X Factor was made up of awful contestants, awful singing and the truly awful Dannii Minogue. To remind everyone what real popstars looked like, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Beyonce all made appearances on the show. But none of them did anything with any real X Factor.

Instead of carrying out a performance featuring razor blades, minge-flashing and umbrellas, Britney Spears instead decided to play it safe and mime her song. Everyone was bitterly disappointed, even though all the judges had to pretend to like her. Otherwise Britney would have locked herself in the shower and eaten nothing but pork scratchings. Known in Hollywood as the piggy wiggy diet.

A source from the show said:

“Britney was a massive coup for Cowell. But he’s determined to raise the bar even higher and secure Jacko’s services. He is perhaps one of the few artists who could outshine Britney.”

So what can Michael Jackson do that will propel him to complete stardom and break YouTube in the process? Instead of sitting on a chair, perched above a smoke machine with a few lights, we have a few suggestions based on his life.

1 – Whilst singing a hit like Thriller, MJ can stand on a makeshift balcony whilst dangling young African children to their possible peril. If one was to fall from his grasp, Angelina Jolie would be on hand to catch the infant or scoop up the remains.

2 – Perform in a monkey costume! Everyone likes monkeys and we all know that at one point, Bubbles was more important than anything in the world. Not only would it be a tribute to the hairy creature, but it’s a good excuse for us to throw peanuts at MJ too.

3 – A short courtroom musical. You know, so Michael can take the piss out of himself and that kiddy touching trial.

Would it be strange to see Michael Jackson perform on X Factor? Of course. From what we believe, the lights of the studio would melt his skin and the booming sounds of the audience would knock him on to his black or white ass.

For all the tight arse bastards like us who never bothered to get a ticket to see Michael Jackson in concert, it just means we can record his performance, put the sound on mute and play multiple tracks over the top. Then we’ll have a poor man’s Michael Jackson gig, but without the potential trauma of seeing him keel over and die on stage like what will probably happen in London.

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Quick everyone! Don your sparkly gloves and pick up your replica Bubbles the monkey soft toy.

Do we have some earth shattering news for you! You may have to put your hand over your crotch so people don’t know you’ve pissed yourself in excitement.

Everyone knows that Michael Jackson is coming to London in July to sing a few songs and try smile. Being in the presence of a living legend is one thing, but won’t it be boring when he mimes from his old catalogue of hits? Don’t think that for a second, though! Michael Jackson is rumoured to be debuting new material at his gigs.

Back in the days when the most interesting thing about Michael Jackson was that he had a pet monkey, he could also dance fairly well. No surface was a problem for him – it was like his superpower involved awing thousands of people who couldn’t figure out how to do it themselves.

It’s been bloody ages since Michael last performed, and quite a few things have changed in the meantime. Back then he was able to walk around without the aid of 50 people and he wasn’t falling to pieces with all kinds of supposed deadly flesh-eating viruses.

So to announce a multi-date residency in London’s O2 seems a bit of a radical step to us. Imagine if his leg was to fall off during Thriller or, when doing a complicated dance routine like Billie Jean, his index finger flew off and blinded a teenager in the front row? Health and safety chiefs will be having a field day when MJ rolls into town.

Just seeing Michael Jackson live would be enough of a treat for his army of fans. But that’s not enough for Michael – he wants to give us something fresh and new. According to gig promoter Randy Phillips:

“Michael has got some new music and he is looking for a new way of disseminating his material to his fans. The star may give away a brand new album to fans at his shows, a measure used by Prince in 2007.”

Wow! The possibility of a free Michael Jackson album! After spending silly amounts on a gig ticket, food, drink, transport, hotel, merchandise and stupid Michael Jackson lookalike gear, it’s good to know you’ll be getting something back.

We’ve also heard that there is another competition at the end of the night where you can win physical parts of Michael Jackson! That’s right, every concert goer will get a raffle ticket and on the very last gig night, numbers will be drawn. Michael will then peel off bits of his body that you’ll be able to take home with you. Just make sure the jar you bring is big enough to fit a nose or piece of brain.

Whatever happens on the night, we’re sure it’ll be so good that you’ll see your own skin colour dramatically change thanks to sheer awesomeness of watching an old man wheeze to death on stage.

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OK, let’s play a game – how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London?

Because, let’s face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London’s O2 tomorrow, there can’t be anyone who’s actually expecting them to, you know, happen.

So what’ll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he’s accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we’re just messing. He won’t.

It’s never been formally acknowledged, but judging by all the frantic behind-the-scenes machinations, it seems like Michael Jackson might be in a spot of financial bother. Hardly a week passes without Michael Jackson getting sued by someone, plus he’s had to sell his house and there’s a slight chance that he’s had to shell out for a load of medical bills because his lungs are like like tiny coconut husks and his face looks like a soggy coffee holder.

Plus, you know a man’s in trouble when he sells off his own robot head. So that means that Michael Jackson has had to accept that he’ll have to do something truly dramatic to get his life back in order. Something that’s as alien to him as finding a well-fitting snood or conversing with adults. In short, Michael Jackson is going to do some concerts.

Better yet, Michael Jackson is going to stage his giant comeback concerts in London, so he’ll get to do it surrounded by disagreeable weather and generally awful people. AP reports:

The King of Pop is due to meet the press at a London concert arena this week to announce the mother of all comebacks — a string of concerts that organizers hope will net the financially troubled star millions. Jackson flew into London by private jet Tuesday ahead of a “special announcement” Thursday afternoon at the city’s O2 Arena. It is widely expected he will announce a string of up to 30 dates.

But really? Is Michael Jackson really going to do these concerts? We can’t help thinking that he won’t. He’s got a history of making promises that never come through – like the time he was supposed to give a show-stopping performance of Thriller at the World Music Awards but then just ended up singing two lines of We Are The World with some kids and then going home. Or the Hurricane Katrina charity single that never materialised. And we’re still waiting for that album of duets with the Pope, thank you very much.

But, as the report said, the concerts could net Michael Jackson millions. And that’d be plenty to get him out of any financial pickle he may or may not be in.

Or, you know, he could spunk the lot on a giant golden vase shaped like a cherub riding a swan through a rainbow. Either one’s fine.

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