The will-he won’t-he train has taken yet another turn towards… umm… won’t… ville… after the news emerged that Michael Jackson is being sued for $40 million.

And it’s probably not even for what you’re thinking it’s for.

What’s that? You think it’s because he’s allegedly contractually obliged to perform in the US in a Jackson 5 reunion show before he comes over to the UK for his 50-show run in the O2 Arena?

Alright then, it is for what you’re thinking it’s for.

It was reported earlier in the year that AllGood Entertainment had flung a cease and desist order the way of the singer and his interesting face, but it has now been confirmed that they will be suing Michael Jackson for a fair bit of money.

The promotions company are looking for $20 million in compensatory damages and a further $20 million in punitive damages.

Wait – do all compensation packages deal in amounts this high? As we know someone who fell over in the street/at work/in some other public place and it wasn’t their fault. If they could get a few million out of it then that would be nice.

Oh – it’s because Michael Jackson‘s an international supermegastar who everyone always wants to sue; not just because he made AllGood fall off a ladder or anything.

A statement released by them that want that money said these words, in a very righteous and “fight the power” fashion:

“This is a case where the little guy followed the rules and was pushed aside by industry giants AEG and the Jacksons for the promise of bigger money and movies.”

Regardless, the suit is saying that Jackson cannot perform his scheduled O2 dates until some time around 2010, after he has hooked up with the Jackson 5 reunion tour.

Wait – why is he going on a J5 reunion?

What do you mean he was in the Jackson 5? But… he… Oh, he’s that one? Well, wonders never cease.

It’s yet another episode in the beginning-to-be long-running saga about a few ruddy gigs that really should be a lot easier to sort out than they are, thanks in no small part to (not) having cancer, the original cease and desist and because he’s a big doo doo head who can’t do anything right.

Needless to say, it’s sure to be a relief for the one who was in the Jackson 5 to get sued about something different for once, instead of just because he’s alleged to have fiddled some kids. Again.

He didn’t do that though, just so we’re clear. We’re just saying he must have a bizarre sense of relief that he’s only being sued for breach of contract, not breach of a youn(CUT! – Ed)

Michael Jackson marked his big London comeback with the phrase This Is It. But, if you ask us, maybe he was being a little premature.

Because in fairness this is it – the moment when Michael Jackson starts postponing, delaying and cancelling his comeback concerts one by one until his entire 50-date O2 residence is reduced to him banging an upturned biscuit tin with a wooden spoon for three minutes in front of a single crying child in Bluewater car park.

Michael Jackson has postponed his comeback by a week. Not because he’s ill, though. That’s important. It’s because he’s rubbish.

Remember when Prince did his residence at the O2? Remember how he promoted it by promising a continually changing setlist of all his biggest hits? And when the Spice Girls had their O2 residency and promoted it by promising an evening of unashamed nostalgia by an era-defining act? Maybe – just maybe – Michael Jackson should have been taking notes.

Because Michael Jackson’s great big comeback residency at the O2 is just weeks away now, and so far he’s promoted it by a) giving a brief, ramshackle press conference after keeping everyone waiting for hours, b) trying to base the concert around the theme of Genuinely Shocking Animal Cruelty, c) roping one of his creepy children into doing most of the singing for him and d) possibly getting skin cancer. It’s not exactly textbook, is it?

And now for the cherry on the cake – Michael Jackson has now postponed the first date of his comeback by four days. Now, Michael Jackson’s representatives are claiming that this is down to the technical complexity and boundary-smashing content of the stageshow, while newspapers are claiming that it’s because Michael Jackson honestly needs to shave some of his nose off to see how bad the cancer is.

But whatever the reason, it’s fine – Michael Jackson’s fans are notorious for their love and loyal support of their hero, and so this postponement will be met with nothing but deep and profound understanding by all concerned. Isn’t that right, The Sun?

Sarah Ketterer, who booked two £100 seats for July 10, said: “Michael Jackson has let down thousands of fans.” Sarah, 23, of Brentwood, Essex, has been offered 2010 tickets. But she said: “It’s a shambles.” Telecoms analyst Ben Wood, 37, who has four tickets for the same date, said: “I’m incensed. I’m not interested any more.”

Oh.

Look, let’s be serious for a moment. Why is everyone so surprised that Michael Jackson – a man who’s basically spent the last decade desperately trying to weedle his way out of all of his professional obligations – has started to dick about with his comeback? Wasn’t this exactly what everyone expected?

In fact, the man’s such a flake that we’re actually hoping he ends up cancelling all of the shows, since the sight of him actually onstage actually singing in a way that’s actually professional will obviously cause the entire western world to faint with disbelief as one, which would clearly harm economic productivity somewhat.

But if anyone is seriously annoyed about Michael Jackson’s concert postponement, we’ve come up with a perfect solution for you. By which we mean we’ve stuck a girl’s wig on a skeleton and we’re going to jig it about on wires to Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. Location TBA. Tickets £75.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You read that right. Michael Jackson’s London comeback could be in jeopardy already. But why? Has his nose fallen off?

No, Michael Jackson’s nose hasn’t fallen off. Has his chin fallen off? No, Michael Jackson’s chin hasn’t fallen off. Has one of his eyebrows come loose? Look, Michael Jackson’s comeback isn’t in danger because parts of his anatomy keep dropping off, OK? There’s another reason. Concentrate. Remember who we’re talking about.

He’s been sued! Apparently Michael once signed a contract promising not to perform in public until 2010, and now it’s returned to bite him on what remains of his arse.

If you’re one of the million people who’ve bought tickets to Michael Jackson’s big comeback residence at the O2 this summer, we have some bad news. And, for possibly the first time in your life, that news isn’t that you’re in the stupidest percentile of the population thanks to your slavish devotion to a consistently disappointing weirdo who can’t let go of his childhood and looks a little bit like a beached malnourished dogturd.

No. The bad news is that the concerts might be off. And not for any of the reasons you’d expect either, like illness or stagefright or another arrest on suspicion on touching children in bad places – the concerts might be off thanks to a legal threat from another concert promoter. Reuters reports:

New Jersey-based AllGood Entertainment Inc contends it signed an agreement in November with Jackson’s manager, Frank DiLeo, committing the singer to perform in July 2010 along with his brothers from the Jackson Five and sister Janet Jackson. Under the agreement, Michael Jackson cannot give another concert until that Jackson Family reunion show, said Patrick Allocco, managing partner.

We have to admit to feeling a number of conflicting emotions about this. There’s sadness, obviously – the sadness that all those people who paid over the odds to watch a dancing skeleton in a wig wheeze a bunch of 25-year-old songs surrounded by several terrified elephants and one terrified child might end up heartbroken. Then there’s comfort – comfort in the knowledge that, whatever crazy crap happens in the world, there’s always going to be someone with a decent excuse to sue Michael Jackson.

Obviously AllGood Entertainment is genuinely upset about the hurt caused by this alleged breach of contract, and isn’t just suing Michael Jackson because it heard that he’ll be £50 million better off by the autumn and fancied a slice for itself. That’s definitely not the case.

But in all honesty we’d secretly like the lawsuit to halt Michael Jackson’s comeback. Not because we enjoy revelling in the misfortune of others – although, you know - but because it’d rubberstamp the concerts featuring Michael Jackson, The Jackson Five and Janet Jackson. That’s, like, getting to watch six middle-aged hasbeens trudge through the motions out of financial necessity for the price of one. Bargain.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

OK, let’s play a game – how long before Michael Jackson cancels his big comeback concerts in London?

Because, let’s face it, he will. Although Michael Jackson is supposedly going to announce a spectacular series of 30 comeback concerts at London’s O2 tomorrow, there can’t be anyone who’s actually expecting them to, you know, happen.

So what’ll it be? Will Michael Jackson ditch the concerts once he’s accepted the cheque? Will he pull out at the last possible second? Or will he perform the shows, regain his place in the pop elite and never look back? No, we’re just messing. He won’t.

It’s never been formally acknowledged, but judging by all the frantic behind-the-scenes machinations, it seems like Michael Jackson might be in a spot of financial bother. Hardly a week passes without Michael Jackson getting sued by someone, plus he’s had to sell his house and there’s a slight chance that he’s had to shell out for a load of medical bills because his lungs are like like tiny coconut husks and his face looks like a soggy coffee holder.

Plus, you know a man’s in trouble when he sells off his own robot head. So that means that Michael Jackson has had to accept that he’ll have to do something truly dramatic to get his life back in order. Something that’s as alien to him as finding a well-fitting snood or conversing with adults. In short, Michael Jackson is going to do some concerts.

Better yet, Michael Jackson is going to stage his giant comeback concerts in London, so he’ll get to do it surrounded by disagreeable weather and generally awful people. AP reports:

The King of Pop is due to meet the press at a London concert arena this week to announce the mother of all comebacks — a string of concerts that organizers hope will net the financially troubled star millions. Jackson flew into London by private jet Tuesday ahead of a “special announcement” Thursday afternoon at the city’s O2 Arena. It is widely expected he will announce a string of up to 30 dates.

But really? Is Michael Jackson really going to do these concerts? We can’t help thinking that he won’t. He’s got a history of making promises that never come through – like the time he was supposed to give a show-stopping performance of Thriller at the World Music Awards but then just ended up singing two lines of We Are The World with some kids and then going home. Or the Hurricane Katrina charity single that never materialised. And we’re still waiting for that album of duets with the Pope, thank you very much.

But, as the report said, the concerts could net Michael Jackson millions. And that’d be plenty to get him out of any financial pickle he may or may not be in.

Or, you know, he could spunk the lot on a giant golden vase shaped like a cherub riding a swan through a rainbow. Either one’s fine.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!