Summer has gone and now we’re in autumn – the season we consider to be bisexual.

Whilst we rely on the sun to keep warm, there was once an incident involving Michael Jackson where he generated heat to the people around him. During the filming of a Pepsi commercial in 1984, the pyrotechnics went belly-up, leaving the king of court cases to receive second degree burns. In a move that isn’t weird at all, Ralph Cohen – the producer of the advert, bagged up the charred hair. Now he’s flogging it off Saturday.

This never would happened with Coca-Cola.

It’s been a big week for Michael Jackson. Not only has he released a brand new 18-year-old single, but he also got sussed for not actually writing it all by himself. Oh, and it emerged that the song had already been recorded by someone that no-one had heard of. We guess that if he was alive, it would just mean another trip to court.

And now one lucky bidder can win clumps of Michael Jackson’s horrifically burnt hair. It’s long been said that injuries that Michael Jackson sustained during the Pepsi commercial incident sparked his interest in delicious painkillers. However, we can’t be sure if they’re what made him climb trees for musical inspiration, have a monkey as a pet, make stupid and over the top purchases and wave his own children off hotel balconies.

Whenever we see people in peril, we immediately dash over and help. Just the other day, an elderly lady fell over and dropped her shopping. Of course we picked it up and went on our way. She didn’t say thank you, so we just took £20 from her purse as a form of gratuity. Obviously Ralph Cohen is on the same wave length as us. After pocketing Michael’s burnt hair immediately after the accident, he’s been sitting on it, waiting for Michael to kick it so he can flog it off to Michael Jackson fanatics/complete weirdos.

Collectively, there are only twelve strands of hair that are available at auction on October 17. That isn’t enough for you to stick together, attach to your head and pretend to be Michael Jackson, although it is enough for you to fire into the sun to create a Superman IV-style nuclear-powered Michael Jackson supervillain. NME.com reports:

“The 12 strands of hair are valued collectively at £1,000 ($1,600) and will be auctioned at the Radisson Edwardian Hotel at Heathrow, London on October 17.”

What anyone would do with a genuine part of Michael Jackson remains questionable. If you were ever out of dental floss, a strand of hair would substitute perfectly for getting that lump of chicken out your teeth. For the ageing people of the world, the addition of one strand of hair to your head will mean that you can go another day without buying a wig, attempting a comb over or stealing hair off the floor from the barbers.

Imagine how much Michael Jackson’s pubes would go far? He probably had them cast in gold, he was that mental. Grave robbers will be off to Cash Converters to collect a sum of money that will set them up for life.

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You know that golf buggy with a picture of Michael Jackson dressed as Peter Pan daubed across the bonnet you wanted?

You’ll have to make your own. Also, that gigantic collection of tiny ceramic naked children? It looks like you’ll have to find something else to scatter around your house to horrify your friends and neighbours. That’s right – Michael Jackson’s memorabilia auction has been cancelled.

But don’t get too downhearted. This is Michael Jackson, remember – the auction will be back on just as soon as he spunks away his comeback fortune on 40 giant marble vases that look like mermaid elephants.

We’ve never been this angry at Michael Jackson. Never. Not during the kiddy-fiddling trial, not during his repeated failure to record and release a new album – we weren’t even this angry at Michael Jackson when The Wiz turned out to be substandard and largely directionless.

Why are we so angry? Because the one thing we wanted – the one thing we wanted more than anything else in the world – was that giant oil painting of Michael Jackson standing next to Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln and ET where everyone’s wearing aviator sunglasses in homage to Michael Jackson’s obvious genius. And now we can’t even buy it. You’re a wanker, Michael Jackson. A funny-looking wanker.

You see, now that Michael Jackson has signed up for his comeback residency in London – apparently set to include new songs, probably about 20 cancelled shows and more animal abuse than you could waggle a stick at – he now has the funds to pay auctioneer Darren Julien to stop the imminent sale of his personal items. And a good thing too – we believe it was the Aborigines who said that a man loses his soul the longer he’s kept away from the giant robot head prop that was built for his immensely foolish Moonwalker vanity project. Reuters reports:

“The auction isn’t going to take place. We wanted to reach an agreement (with Jackson) and we have reached one today that is mutually acceptable and beneficial,” Julien said. Julien said all the items would be returned to Jackson when the exhibit closes… He did not say how much Jackson had agreed to pay under Tuesday’s settlement but added; “We are very happy. We are happy because he is happy.”

It’s bittersweet news for sure – on the one hand, this is a sure sign that Michael Jackson has put his financial troubles behind him; but on the other hand it’s a sure sign that Michael Jackson has enough to money to build another unnecessarily massive house, deck it out like a nightmarish abandoned fairground, employ a monkey to be his best friend and most trusted confident, befriend the latest childstar of the day and embark on so many experimental surgical procedures on his own face that he ends up looking even more like a meerkat version of The Scream than he does already.

Bittersweet? What are we talking about? This is brilliant from start to finish. Well done, Michael Jackson. We have the number of several reliable monkey shops should you need them.

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Since covering multiple Michael Jackson stories, we’ve discovered that his fans are a passionate bunch.

They unified for his kiddie-touching trial and continued to defend the decaying legend when burly bailiffs knocked on the gates of Neverland.

With a string of London gigs to come over the summer, it can be assured that a huge cut of the takings will come Jackson’s way. However, this still hasn’t stopped an auction for people to buy his disused and mostly bonkers items. From sparkly tubes of toothpaste to replica tigers made out of matchsticks, we expect it all to be there.

Forget the Chris Brown v Rihanna court case; this is much more exciting and will result in Michael Jackson’s freaky crap being on display for all to see. That’s to see remember, not to fall off a chair through hysterical laughter at the spectacle of his collection of polyester suits in every colour that have never been worn.

Last Friday, a judge in LA ruled that the general public and Michael Jackson’s crazed stalker fans can buy his stuff. This comes after a decision that Jackson’s personal items won’t be returned to him from the now dusty Neverland Ranch.

The auction is being held by Darren Julien who has reportedly spent around £1.3m to get the auction organised. Now, after watching countless repeats of Bargain Hunt and The Antiques Roadshow, we don’t quite understand how it’s costing this much. Basically, you get a village hall, arrange some chairs and phone lines whilst a crusty man points and shouts at you once it’s filled with pensioners who have confusingly wondered in once they’ve collected their pension.

Subsequently, the inflated cost may leave the auctioneer bankrupt if it doesn’t go ahead. With £13.9m estimated to be raised from the five day extravaganza, there is a lot of Michael Jackson crap to be bought. Imagine the chance of owning one of Bubbles The Monkey’s shit-filled nappies or used razor blade. Despite Jackson’s kiss-ass minions taking money from a debt-ridden man, they are quite content with bankrupting another!

Jackson’s legal monkeys have immediately placed an appeal to stop the auction happening and the court date has been set for April 15th. If everything goes well, the accidental comedy event of the year can go ahead a week later on April 22nd. A lawyer for Darren Julian confusingly said the following however:

“The contract is clear as well water.”

Umm…we don’t visit wells often, but shouldn’t that be “the contract is clear as water?” Meaning they can’t really lose? Who knows, we’re not legal experts and would agree to Dodo insurance if given the chance.

So what tasty goods can we potentially expect to come out of the Jackson wardrobe? From what we’ve found, the following could potentially be yours for incredible low low prices:

“A collection of art, MTV Video Music Awards, crystal-encrusted gloves , a white glove he wore in his 1983 Billie Jean videoand nearly 2,000 other items removed from Jackson’s former home.”

Why he has one white glove from the Billie Jean video is confusing in itself. What happened to the other one? Did he run out of food and gobble down the other till supplies arrived? Or was it his parting gift to Bubbles? We’ll never know, but we can assume he sniffed it on cold lonely nights as he tried to remember the better days when Macaulay Culkin wasn’t in his life.

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Michael Jackson’s financial problems are hardly a secret – but then making a human nose look that unrealistic is fairly expensive.

So what’s a boy to do? Rumoured to be up to his ears in debt and sued for millions of dollars about twelve times a day, Michael Jackson has no option but to bite the bullet and auction off his most treasured possession – the possession no man should be without.

That’s right – the painting of him as the king of England. And the golf buggy featuring a painting of himself as Peter Pan across the bonnet. And his robot head. We’re not joking.

You! Do you have more money than sense, a secret fascination with acquitted child molesters and absolutely no taste whatsoever? You DO? Good, because Michael Jackson is itching to meet you.

The last few years haven’t been kind to Michael Jackson. A combination of spending beyond his means, several aborted comeback sessions and a body that might well be full of MRSA and something that’s buggered his lungs up has left Michael Jackson reportedly on the brink of financial ruin.

Not that Michael Jackson isn’t smart enough to try and fix the problem, of course – he’s recently tried to balance the books by selling his own house to himself and possibly ripping off a sheikh and, of course, shaking hands with some Asians – but none of these were enough to rescue Michael from his problems.

And that’s why, back in December, Michael Jackson decided to auction off thousands of his possessions. That’s not really news – but what is news is that images of each lot have just been released. And, oh my, Michael Jackson hasn’t let us down in the slightest.

Of course, Michael Jackson’s auction contains several items that everyone probably owns – chairs, carpets, bronze busts of wild-eyed biblical prophets, about a million medieval swords, so many figurines of children that you’ll actually want to cry – but there are also a handful of genuine curiosities there as well.

Like, for instance, the gigantic golden throne covered in creepy cupid heads that can be yours for just $1,500. Or the royal cape that was apparently given to him by his children for Father’s Day ($300). Or the Rolls Royce limousine that’s been decorated so gaudily that it looks like one of Donald Trump‘s blowoffs ($140,000). Or the effortlessly creepy Grandmother Predictions machine like the one from the film Big ($1,500). Or – and we promise we’re not making this up – the painting of Michael Jackson, Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, ET and the Mona Lisa all wearing aviator sunglasses ($1,000).

Honestly, if you do one thing today, it should involve looking through Michael Jackson’s auction catalogue, because we guarantee you won’t be let down. Unless you don’t enjoy looking at page after page of naked cherub statuettes, that is. But, really, who doesn’t love tiny ceramic willies, right?

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