Since Catherine Zeta Jones got swallowed up by Hollywood, she stopped being that kinda cute one from Darling Buds Of May and became a husk of a human. It seemed like there was something wrong with her, like Katie Holmes when she married fruitcake Tom Cruise.
Well, turned out there was! No, the Thetans hadn’t mangled her mind with alien talk (well, they might, but there’s nothing much to suggest that currently), rather, it turned out she’s bipolar.
And now she’s got something wrong with her, Michael Douglas – who kept knocking on death’s door for a while not too long ago and is probably a bit put out that his wife is hogging the sickly spotlight – is grinning and all proud of his wife who is approximately a millennium younger than he.
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Early and late.
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Michael Douglas has been very, very ill recently. The 357 year old Hollywood star has been battling throat cancer, which really isn’t very funny at all. In fact, it’s downright depressing.
However, the good news is, is that Douglas is making good progress and that he’s already eyeing up work when he takes on the role of Liberace.
You heard. Liberace. Imagine Michael Douglas covered in sequins and camping it up and belting out pianner licks like his hands were on fire! Read More >>>
Chic and Geek.
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- Norman Wisdom RIP (yep, another one. Sure he was old, but that doesn’t make it any easier)
- The X-Factor nonsense (this year is worse than ever. Then again, if they suddenly started showing a repeat of the programme from three years ago, how long would it take you to notice the swap?)
- Poor old Michael Douglas (he’s in for a fight all right. Go on, give it some Gekko, Gekko)
- Don Draper (if we actually knew someone this good looking, smooth, rich and able to wear a trilby in real life, we would probably kill him)
- Laptop rash (no joke)
Once upon a time there was a cuddly old man called Lou (Frank Zangella) who looked like Santa and just happened to run a big bank on Wall Street. He was still cuddly and lovable though.
He had a protégé called Jake (Shia LaBeouf) whose dad died when he was little, meaning that he was conveniently looking for a cuddly old man Santa type figure to look up to.
Jake earned hundreds of thousands on Wall Street but only wanted to invest in environmental companies because he was a good man. In fact, he was so good that his fiancé (Carey Mulligan) ran a left-wing website which didn’t make any money. On purpose!
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Here at hecklerspray we’d be the first to admit that we aren’t the gentlest of souls.
Most news is greeted with a giggle and sarcastic comment littered with enough arbitrary meanness to book a first class seat on a train ride straight to hell. We can’t help it, it’s who we are. But it’d take a really cold hearted so and so to take anything positive out of this.
Michael Douglas hasn’t had the best of times recently. Cameron, his eldest child from his first marriage, was sentenced to five years in prison for possessing heroin and dealing methamphetamine and cocaine out of a New York hotel room. Douglas later said he was thrilled that his son was locked up which, to be honest, is a weird reaction to have but he did say he was a bad father and is responsible for Cameron having more drugs flowing through his veins than Pete Doherty‘s gums and Amy Winehouse‘s beehive combined. That’s a lot of drugs.
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Now let’s be clear. Addiction is nothing to laugh at. Unless it’s sex addiction, because that’s sort of hilarious.
Oh come on, it is. Look at Tiger Woods. If he was addicted to heroin? Tragic. Drugs? Awful. Gambling? Upsetting. But he’s not. Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. He’s even gone to rehab for it. What sex rehab involves is anyone’s guess – we’d assume it’s a mixture of STD textbooks and pole dances from Lisa Riley from You’ve Been Framed – but sexaholism definitely is a real illness that exists. It is. You get it when you’re addicted to sexahol.
Don’t believe us? Fine – here are 10 horny-arsed celebrities who’d be only too happy to change your mind. Or hump your leg. One or the other…
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Who’s looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It’s going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf’s in it.
Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 – which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – has hit the internet. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are.
Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you’d better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we’re also going to analyse the arse off it. For you…
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