Michael Bolton once murdered some soul classics. Have you heard the abject horror of his version of ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’? Have you endured his butchering of Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay?
Well, it seems that, apart from being America’s answer to Simply Red (which effectively means making the most godawful blue-eyed soul imaginable, coupled with the most woeful of haircuts for years), he’s also able to destroy rhythm itself.
Yes indeed, Bolton’s slot on Dancing With The Stars saw him plodding around like a hostage that has only just recovered from a hobbling, which saw judge Bruno Tonioli hooting in his face. Read More >>>
Hey, everyone, Dancing With The Stars is back! No, wait, don’t leave, that’s good news. No, really, it is.
The show has something for everyone. If you like dancing, there’s dancing. If you like bizarre costumes that tend to make people you used to admire look like a cross between a low-budget prostitute and a cartoon of a little Dutch girl, then there’s that. And if you like stars, then… well, actually this is where Dancing With The Stars usually falls down. The contestants are often so painfully obscure that if you’ve even heard of four of them it feels like an enormous moral triumph.
But this year Dancing With The Stars has pulled out all the stops and hired celebrities who you will have definitely heard of. They’re all genuinely awful human beings, but at least you’ll know who they are. And that’s something, right? Full Dancing With The Stars line-up after the jump…
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Nothing makes us sadder than when a woman we don’t recognise leaving a show we don’t care about.
So at the moment we’re pretty bloody sad. Nicolette Sheridan, the least-famous member of the Desperate Housewives cast, is leaving Desperate Housewives. We know, they still make Desperate Housewives. Weird, huh?
Anyway, nobody knows exactly what Nicolette Sheridan will do with her time after she leaves Desperate Housewives, but we’re pretty sure that if we all start chanting “Hatcher next” together in unison soon enough then it won’t be long before ABC is forced to comply with our evil demands.
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Do you want the good news or the bad news? Well tough, there isn’t any bad news. There’s good news and great news – Michael Bolton is single!
Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!
OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.
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