Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

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Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.

He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.

The email was discovered by the bloodhounds of celebrity nonsense over at TMZ and while the news has spread through other outlets, none have seemed to notice how the complaint is written in the manner of a five-year-old let loose on the keyboard.

We expected a chunk of prose on a par with Michael Bay’s films; intelligent, thoughtful and subtle. Instead what we get is a few paragraphs of… well, it’s not that bad.

But “could of”? “Would of”?! Honestly. And this man is allowed millions of dollars to play about with?

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

Bay also revealed what seems to be an obsession with pointless use of inverted commas. See:

“I have been waiting, and waiting for the ‘anticipation’ of an ‘event movie’ to make it into the ‘public zeitgeist’,”

It must have taken him a while to write that sentence, as he was clearly making speechmarks with his hands while typing it out. Go and try it now – ‘harder’ than you ‘think’, isn’t it.

Not content with a poor grasp of English, not seeming to believe “public zeitgeist” is a real term and making some really rather bad movies, Bay then went on to make out that both Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg are literally his best friends in the whole world.

Read, and believe:

“Over the years, Jerry Bruckheimer mentored me on event movies.”

“My good friend Steven.”

What an incredibly shocking and potentially calamitous turn of events this is. The world as we know it is likely to change forever.

Thing is, Michael Bay did seem to completely change his mind a month later, telling Paramount and co. they all did a great job and were his bessie mates. Probably even better than Steven and Jerry are.

Check out the emails on TMZ.

No, honestly it was. This is because a) during Friday the 13th 2009, we got turned away from a restaurant because we hadn’t made a reservation, and b) a godawful movie remake of Friday The 13th came out. Cursed, we tell you.

Worse, the Friday The 13th remake has managed to top the US weekend box office chart. So in about 2018 the godawful remake of Friday The 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan will top the weekend box office too. Joy.

Just a stab in the dark, but we’re starting to suspect that Michael Bay hates yours childhood. He must do, because he’s going out of his way to piddle over everything you ever loved as a kid. First he turned Transformers into a Shia LaBeouf vehicle about incontinent rapping robots, and now he’s ballsed up a Friday The 13th remake as well.

But, hey, the Friday The 13th remake is number one at the US weekend box office, so don’t expect him to stop trampling on your youth just yet. Next up, we hear that Michael Bay is going to make a movie franchise about Swizzel Sticks and a whole movie about a 1986 Panini football sticker of Ian Rush in an old Liverpool Crown Paints top. The sod. Here’s the weekend box office top five:

1 - Friday The 13th (Do you see? Friday The 13th was released on Friday the 13th. What a fiendishly clever piece of marketing. Sort of makes us wish that the film was called Friday The 32nd, though. Because then it’d never be released and another slice of our childhood would have gone unraped. Oh well) $42,245,000

2 – He’s Just Not That Into You (Weird that people should flock to see Friday The 13th – a film about a mangled-looking lunatic with very clear mental downfalls – when they could have gone to see He’s Just Not That Into You, a film about loads of mangled-looking lunatics with very clear mental downfalls) $19,610,000

3 - Taken (Easy the best movie to have a one-word past participle verb as a title since, ooh, at least the 1924 movie Beaten. Which we haven’t seen, by the way. It might be rubbish) $19,250,000

4 - Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Weird to think that the millions of jobless Americans on the brink of foreclosure didn’t rush to see this feelgood movie about the joys of spending above your means. Tip for next time, Isla Fisher – make a movie called Confessions Of A Woman Who Has To Lick Condensation From The Inside Of A Dustbin Lid For Sustenance. Catch the zeitgeist!) $15,406,000

5 - Coraline (We still have no idea what Coraline is about. It sounds like a colour that a bellend would use to paint his master bedroom, though. That’s enough for us not to want to see it) $15,323,000

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Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ’sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2’s obvious crappiness.

We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.

Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.

Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.

Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf’s big old man-titties. MTV reports:

Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”

Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.

Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.

But it's OK, because Michael Bay has decided to produce a new Nightmare On Elm Street movie, so we're sure that'll be rectified shortly.

And if we cross our fingers really tight, maybe the new Nightmare On Elm Street will feature a new version of Freddy Krueger who breakdances and speaks in childish Ebonics because he learnt how to communicate through the internet. Fun!

If there's one thing that Michael Bay loves, it's picking something you liked as a child, throwing it on the floor in front of you and smashing up under his foot, laughing and pointing at you as it happens. That's what happened when Michael Bay turned Transformers into a knockabout teen comedy featuring at least two piss jokes and an ending that showed some giant robots staring at two teenagers having sex on top of another robot.

But that's just the tip of the Michael Bay iceberg – his movie Pearl Harbour was so bad that we expect it angered any old US veterans who saw it for sullying their pleasant memories of the brutal atrocity. And Bad Boys II must rank alone as the only thing in history to make people nostalgic for the good old days of Bad Boys I.

And now Michael Bay has decided to work his special kind of magic over Nightmare On Elm Street, the daddy of the slasher movie that made an icon out of a pancake-faced murderer in a Pete Doherty hat. Hollywood Today reports:

Fans who thought the “Nightmare on Elm Street” was over better think again. Production companies Platinum Dunes and New Line, which established itself as a hit-maker after the initial success of the first “Nightmare,” are hoping to breathe new life into the series… With the on-going WGA strike, no scribes are signed-on to the new project, but producers Michael Bay, Brad Fuller, and Andrew Form revealed that their intent is to uncover the history behind Krueger.

That's great – the history behind Freddy Krueger. It'll be just like that witless Halloween remake from last year, then. Maybe we'll discover that Freddy Krueger went bad because he was bullied at school, or because his little sister consistently got a better age at Wii Sports than him. These are the precise things that drive people to murder and rape, after all.

But kudos to Michael Bay for deciding to remake it. Because it'll certainly be challenging for him to ruin a film that's already been ruined by seven increasingly shit sequels. So Michael Bay is really going to have to pull his thumb out if he wants to properly destroy everyone's memory of Nightmare On Elm Street properly. After all, he's got this to contend with.

Topping that will be a tough job, but if anyone can do it, it'll be Michael Bay. We believe in you, Michael.

Read more:

Freddy Krueger Back From the Dead, Elm Street Worries – Hollywood Today