Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

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We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.

Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.

It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.

So, Michael’s the king of our robot overlords and a pimp. Huh? Okay. The guy who may or may not be a pimp pushed them together and somewhere in there everyone forgot she had a boyfriend. Maybe. No one seems to be sure. Asked whether he was the other man in a relationship that’s now spanned six years, he stuttered and gave a blithe, non-committal retort.

In all likelihood, Fox was on a Ross and Rachel break in which sleepovers were allowed as long as there’s no kissing. So, that was what she did. And Shia blabbed because he’s no gentleman.

Megan’s not really talking to the press about this. However, multiple, excitable sources are speaking on her behalf. And they’re emoting all over the place.

OK! Magazine reports that Megan and Brian are desperately trying to save their marriage. “He has really upset Megan and Brian,” a close source explains. “They went through an incredibly rocky period when she and Shia were filming Transofmers: Revenge of the Fallen…having Shia run his mouth now and brag about sleeping with Megan is awful for them.” Though was it really cheating? “…technically [Megan] didn’t do anything wrong since they were on break. [Still], they are so angry at Shia.”

Megan’s really, really, upset that she got caught. Because, frankly, with a daily side of extra penis, that would be the only reason to be sad.

This was the last ever guest post by Amy Grindhouse, which is terrible, terrible news… but then again, it really is her own fault for her continual sexual advances toward the rest of Team Spray.

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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.

Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.

So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.

The betitted-bombshell of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, has revealed that Prince Harry is her ideal man, which makes James Hewitt her perfect father-in-law, right? Seeing as he was ‘Gentleman Jim’ on ITV’s oft-overlooked masterpiece ‘Celebrity Wrestling’, it isn’t surprising she wants in with that lot.

Wait. Prince Charles is Harry’s dad. That’s right. Sorry, we get our Royal connections very, very confused (happy now ‘spray lawyers? Honestly. You can’t joke about anything now! Wait ’til we write about your dealings with a Tunisian ‘masseur’, y’big gits).

If Prince Hazeem wants to pop his regal beagle into Huntington-Whiteley’s front-garden, he’s going to have to fight off Jason Statham who is currently knocking his uglies with the model.

Rosie says:

“I’m waiting for my proposal.I keep writing. I think he knows how obsessed I am. Well, he does now. He’s so handsome.”

Let us now arrange a fight to the death between Statham and Harry as they both bid for the heart of RHW, okay? Get it televised on a PPV and we’ll wipe the national debt with the funds raised from it. That or, of course, Harry could call on some favours from his family’s shadowy cabal and they could just bump Statham off in a Paris tunnel.

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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.

No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.

Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.

LaBeouf explains, like a true gent:

“Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them.”

“I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

You could? Really? While she stood motionless and pouting at thin air? Even so, wasn’t she spoken for at the time?

He says (and this isn’t made up):

“I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was what it was.”

So that’d be a yes then. Or, possibly, it didn’t happen at all and it is all just a device to stir up interest in Transformers 3. Of course, Fox has been replaced in the film after making comments about Nazis, which is an impressively dumb thing to do in Hollywood.

Now we can all speculate about Shia sticking his Beouf in new Transformer totty Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

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Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…

It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!

Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?

See, this is Michael Bay. By his very definition he’s inherently dumb-downed, misogynistic and crass. He’s been doing it for years and we’ve been lapping it up from the very moment Bad Boys came out. Honestly, after all the hype, photos, trailers and feature articles before Transformers release you’d think that just one person might have cottoned onto the fact he was going to do the same god damn thing he always does.

Yet even now critics are already lining up to lament Transformers for not delivering something we should all know full well by now that Bay can’t deliver, let alone when the main characters are robots with laser cannons for arms.

So just this once, let us say bollocks to scripts, acting and the character development, because if that’s your thing then bugger off and go rent a James MacAvoy film.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is spectacle cinema at its very finest. You’re not meant to sit up and pay attention, you’re meant to put banality aside and let the sheer ridiculousness of the mayhem and carnage wash over you.

Sure, as we’ve mentioned the script is crap, but admittedly it has its plus points too, with far more audience laughs than personal groans.

Equally the film manages to bring on board more Transformer characters than ever before and give a good account of them, where other blockbusters have failed seemingly failed (See Spiderman 3, Iron Man 2, et al.). If, as many would have you believe, this is to be the final film in the series, it sure is a hell of a way to round off the trilogy and, as always, with some breathtaking action set pieces.

Those wondering whether or not to opt in for the 3D experience definitely should. Unlike the sad gimmicky trash demonstrated in Pirates of the Caribbean or Alice in Wonderland, Transformers instead goes for more of an Avatar based use of 3D technology, providing more of an immersive layered effect (no goofy swords or pikes sticking out the screen here).

Additionally, if none of that made sense, then just stop being cheapskate and pay the extra few quid and you’ll thank us later because it’s one of the few times we’re going to endorse the cash cow that is 3D cinema.

The film isn’t perfect and anyone expecting it to be might as well sling their hook now. Transformers aimed to be bigger, bolder and more explosive than it’s predecessors and it accomplished it in spades… but if you can’t get past the fact Michael Bay is a crap storyteller, then you might as well not buy a ticket in the first place.

Dumb. Furious. Things go bang. Ace.

This review was a guest post by James Wright who, after watching Transformers 3, decided to graft metal appendages about his person in an attempt to look like Rodimus Prime. He’s now considered ‘stable’ in the toxic poisoning ward and accepting grapes and bongo mags.

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Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.

And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.

It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.

You may well know that Fox was dumped from the new Transformers movie in favour of British model Rosie Huntingdon-Whitley. Megan has been tottering around saying that she didn’t want to be in the third of the series because she wanted to pursue other acting opportunities. It would be awful if she got typecast as little more than an object of lust for 13 year old boys.

Alas, it transpires that Transformers 3 director Michael was told to get rid of Fox after she made her Hitler comment. He said:

“You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said fire her right now.”

That’s because Spielberg is the producer of the film and he saw that Fox, in an interview, said that Bay was…

“like Hitler on his sets”

Of course, Fox’s amazing acting prowess is such that she feels she can say things like that, despite the fact that her colleagues on-set compared her ability to that of a porn star. In one open letter, a crew member wrote:

“Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses’ life… he told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelina is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies.”

So she’ll be sorely missed by the cast and crew then? And now Steven Spielberg hates her. Oh well, at least she’ll continue to get work from gloss wank-mags, eh?

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Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Beloved, overly twee fables that have taught generation upon generation about simple truths like honesty, fidelity and all sorts of traditional virtues. Beloved by thousands upon thousands of people for hundreds of years, these simple stories have been translated into languages around the globe as well as being an essential document for Walt Disney Studios to crib from for decades.

All very nice, but it does sounds about as dull as your average Palin. You know what they need? Explosions! Mismatched buddies storylines! Michael Bay! Everything exploding into your face in 3 – D! Yeah!

The only trouble is which one to choose. All the obvious ones have been taken, and it needs to be something that lends itself to having bits flying at the screen every couple of seconds. And, it needs to remain half-coherent after Bay has taken his editing lawnmower to it. The obvious answer is surely that old German folk-tale ‘The Boy That Goes To War In The Exploding Country And Has Adventures With Guns And Rockets And People Going ‘Whoah’ And Megan Fox’s Arse And That’.

But that’s already been optioned, or doesn’t exist. So they’ve had to make do with Hansel and Gretel.

Forget Avatar, or whatever the newest 3D cash cow is, Michael Bay has decided that old middle-European folk stories are where it’s at! In what is apparently not a joke, Bay’s press team hissed:

“Hansel and Gretel in 3D” is an action packed visual FX filled version of the classic Grimm Brothers’ fairytale. In addition to the infamous witch in the gingerbread house, the film showcases the legendary creatures of German mythology

Legendary creatures? That would be a couple of stupid, hungry children, an old woman intent on defending her home, a clueless father and the standard evil stepmum. Unless they insert a jive-talking Hippogriff, an exploding robot, or a talking axe that can transform into a steamtrain with lasers, everyone who goes to see it can sue for being a big waste of time and of the word ‘legendary’.

On the plus side, you’ll get your £1.50 back from the pair of thick plastic glasses formed into a branded ‘H’ and ‘G’ shape that you’ll never even consider wearing in public again. On the down side, you’ll have wasted yet another two and a half hours watching a bloated, incomprehensible, seizure inducing, marketing wankjob.

Besides, of all the other stories to adapt, they could have chosen something slightly more interesting sounding. How about ‘The Mouse, the Bird, and the Sausage’? Admittedly, that’s just a better choice because it sounds like the most interesting porn film you’ve ever heard of, but as a bonus it’s almost guaranteed to not revolve around a couple of obese children literally trying to eat the house of an elderly woman.

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A prediction – Transformers 3 will be the Citizen Kane of tediously impenetrable films about toy robots.

It’s going to have everything. Explosions. Casual racism. That kid who fouled up the last Indiana Jones film. Hour upon hour of largely indistinguishable giant robots soullessly clanking into each other to the point where you realise that you would have got precisely the same effect from loading up on booze and taking a kaleidoscope to a scrapyard. Everything. Oh, except for Megan Fox.

It’s been announced that Megan Fox won’t be appearing in Transformers 3. But there’s some confusion over whose decision it was. Was Megan Fox sacked from Transformers 3 because she’s not a good enough actor for Michael Bay, or did Megan Fox quit Transformers 3 because she thinks she can do better than a production line film about some fighting robots? Either way, there’s not a great deal to be proud of here.

If Michael Bay was the brains of the Transformers movies, and Shia LaBeouf was the heart, then it unquestionably goes without saying that Megan Fox was the tits. And while you may think that a film’s brains and heart are more important than its tits, you’d be dead wrong. Just look at what Megan Fox brought to the first two Transformers films – countless scenes of her staring vacantly out into space and about 15 slow-motion shots of her bottom. They’re all moments you can’t replicate, at least not without a blow-up sex doll in a pair of children’s hotpants, anyway.

But these are all things that we’ll have to do without in Transformers 3. As of yesterday, Megan Fox will no longer be needed on the picture. But why? That’s where the confusion sets in – some are saying that Michael Bay sacked her, and others are saying that Megan Fox left of her own accord. MTV reports:

It was reported that the actress, who starred in the first two installments of the “Transformers” franchise, wouldn’t be cast in the third picture, set to shoot this summer. A rep for Paramount confirmed to MTV News that the studio didn’t renew Fox’s option. Now, Fox is saying it was she who opted out. “Megan Fox will not be starring in ‘Transformers 3,’” [said] reps. “It was her decision not to return.”

It’s not hard to see why Michael Bay would want Megan Fox off the Transformers franchise. Despite being the only films of hers that anyone actually wants to see, Fox and Bay found themselves in a war of words last year, with Megan comparing Michael to Hitler, Michael telling Megan that she needed to grow up and some crew members wrote a letter telling everyone how stupid Megan was. So it seems like it was this friction that caused Megan Fox to part ways with Transformers, whether it was her decision or not.

But make no mistake, this is a deep loss. Michael Bay will now have to cast another piece of totty for Transformers 3, and there’s a real danger that she’ll be replaced by a better actress. Imagine – all those slow-motion bottom shots completely ruined by the inkling that the bottom’s owner is capable of basic sentient thought. Ugh. Count us out.

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Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

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In a shocking indictment of the state of movie directors and their grasp of the English language, Michael Bay has unleashed a furious and poorly-written email in the direction of Paramount’s bigwigs.

Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.

He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.

The email was discovered by the bloodhounds of celebrity nonsense over at TMZ and while the news has spread through other outlets, none have seemed to notice how the complaint is written in the manner of a five-year-old let loose on the keyboard.

We expected a chunk of prose on a par with Michael Bay’s films; intelligent, thoughtful and subtle. Instead what we get is a few paragraphs of… well, it’s not that bad.

But “could of”? “Would of”?! Honestly. And this man is allowed millions of dollars to play about with?

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

Bay also revealed what seems to be an obsession with pointless use of inverted commas. See:

“I have been waiting, and waiting for the ‘anticipation’ of an ‘event movie’ to make it into the ‘public zeitgeist’,”

It must have taken him a while to write that sentence, as he was clearly making speechmarks with his hands while typing it out. Go and try it now – ‘harder’ than you ‘think’, isn’t it.

Not content with a poor grasp of English, not seeming to believe “public zeitgeist” is a real term and making some really rather bad movies, Bay then went on to make out that both Jerry Bruckheimer and Steven Spielberg are literally his best friends in the whole world.

Read, and believe:

“Over the years, Jerry Bruckheimer mentored me on event movies.”

“My good friend Steven.”

What an incredibly shocking and potentially calamitous turn of events this is. The world as we know it is likely to change forever.

Thing is, Michael Bay did seem to completely change his mind a month later, telling Paramount and co. they all did a great job and were his bessie mates. Probably even better than Steven and Jerry are.

Check out the emails on TMZ.

Friday the 13th is usually considered to be a cursed day thanks to superstition, but Friday the 13th 2009 really was genuinely cursed.

No, honestly it was. This is because a) during Friday the 13th 2009, we got turned away from a restaurant because we hadn’t made a reservation, and b) a godawful movie remake of Friday The 13th came out. Cursed, we tell you.

Worse, the Friday The 13th remake has managed to top the US weekend box office chart. So in about 2018 the godawful remake of Friday The 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan will top the weekend box office too. Joy.

Just a stab in the dark, but we’re starting to suspect that Michael Bay hates yours childhood. He must do, because he’s going out of his way to piddle over everything you ever loved as a kid. First he turned Transformers into a Shia LaBeouf vehicle about incontinent rapping robots, and now he’s ballsed up a Friday The 13th remake as well.

But, hey, the Friday The 13th remake is number one at the US weekend box office, so don’t expect him to stop trampling on your youth just yet. Next up, we hear that Michael Bay is going to make a movie franchise about Swizzel Sticks and a whole movie about a 1986 Panini football sticker of Ian Rush in an old Liverpool Crown Paints top. The sod. Here’s the weekend box office top five:

1 - Friday The 13th (Do you see? Friday The 13th was released on Friday the 13th. What a fiendishly clever piece of marketing. Sort of makes us wish that the film was called Friday The 32nd, though. Because then it’d never be released and another slice of our childhood would have gone unraped. Oh well) $42,245,000

2 – He’s Just Not That Into You (Weird that people should flock to see Friday The 13th – a film about a mangled-looking lunatic with very clear mental downfalls – when they could have gone to see He’s Just Not That Into You, a film about loads of mangled-looking lunatics with very clear mental downfalls) $19,610,000

3 - Taken (Easy the best movie to have a one-word past participle verb as a title since, ooh, at least the 1924 movie Beaten. Which we haven’t seen, by the way. It might be rubbish) $19,250,000

4 - Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Weird to think that the millions of jobless Americans on the brink of foreclosure didn’t rush to see this feelgood movie about the joys of spending above your means. Tip for next time, Isla Fisher – make a movie called Confessions Of A Woman Who Has To Lick Condensation From The Inside Of A Dustbin Lid For Sustenance. Catch the zeitgeist!) $15,406,000

5 - Coraline (We still have no idea what Coraline is about. It sounds like a colour that a bellend would use to paint his master bedroom, though. That’s enough for us not to want to see it) $15,323,000

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Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ‘sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

It’s something we’ve all been taught from a young age, from our days of appearing in school productions of whatever rubbish the teachers thought our parents may want to see: don’t ruin your body parts when you’re playing the lead character.

It’s something that maybe, possibly just should have been taught to everyone’s favourite beef machine, Shia LaBeouf, before he was involved in a smashed-up cartastrophe a week ago.

Unfortunately it seems that noone did teach Beefy this one life lesson, and the manchild has ended up with something of a mashed up hand. Halfway through filming Transformers 2. You broke the golden rule, Shia. Silly boy.

Fear not though, as director extraordinairre and all-round BOOM! BLAMMO! KABLAM! personality Michael Bay may well have a solution to the age-old problem of children crashing their cars halfway through filming huge-budget blockbusters: give him a CGI hand four times bigger than his head that transforms into a public toilet – of death.

What do you mean that’s not what he said? Ohhhh – he said he’d probably just write it into the script somehow. Makes more sense, we suppose.

Yes – while some actors have the good grace to go the whole hog and actually die towards the end of filming, so all that is needed is a stunt double and a few special effects (thanks, Brandon Lee in The Crow!), Shia LaBeouf had to go and hurt himself quite badly, but be alright enough to carry on with filming.

See, that’s just the selfish behaviour of a child, meaning that once again the adults have to come in and clean up the mess by writing in a scene when Optimus Prime stands on your hand or something.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

Not content with saying a naughty word and making everyone in the world overreact at him, he had to go and have himself a fairly serious accident, be accused of drink driving (which Michael Bay seemingly legally cleared him of) and then have it turn out that in all likelihood the accident wasn’t even his fault in the first place, thus making any criticism we may have levelled at Beefy concerning the accident null and void.

Selfish, selfish, silly boy.

In a typically balls-out, playing-by-his-own-rules fashion, director Michael Bay decided to ignore the four hours of surgery, the apparent partial paralysis and the fact that Shia’s hand probably doesn’t look much like a hand right now. Bay told Access Hollywood:

“His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story.”

Where other directors fear to tread – where they are sure they will fail, Michael Bay will emerge triumphant. Simply by saying Grimlock mistook Shia’s hand for the metal he so loves to “munch,” or that Beefy tried to take a cassette out of a tapedeck which turned out to be the evil Soundwave, who proceeded to slam the deck shut, trapping the tiny man’s hand. Or Kup makes a cameo, forcing Bifstek to mangle his own paw in a bizarre rite of passage, seeing as he’s old and mental.

Maybe?

Seriously – hecklerspray should charge for this stuff.

You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2′s obvious crappiness.

We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.

Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.

Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.

Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf‘s big old man-titties. MTV reports:

Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”

Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.

Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.

Nightmare On Elm Street was a decent enough film, but there's one thing it lacked – loads of dull 50-minute exploding car chases soundtracked by endless Linkin Park songs.

But it's OK, because Michael Bay has decided to produce a new Nightmare On Elm Street movie, so we're sure that'll be rectified shortly.

And if we cross our fingers really tight, maybe the new Nightmare On Elm Street will feature a new version of Freddy Krueger who breakdances and speaks in childish Ebonics because he learnt how to communicate through the internet. Fun!

If there's one thing that Michael Bay loves, it's picking something you liked as a child, throwing it on the floor in front of you and smashing up under his foot, laughing and pointing at you as it happens. That's what happened when Michael Bay turned Transformers into a knockabout teen comedy featuring at least two piss jokes and an ending that showed some giant robots staring at two teenagers having sex on top of another robot.

But that's just the tip of the Michael Bay iceberg – his movie Pearl Harbour was so bad that we expect it angered any old US veterans who saw it for sullying their pleasant memories of the brutal atrocity. And Bad Boys II must rank alone as the only thing in history to make people nostalgic for the good old days of Bad Boys I.

And now Michael Bay has decided to work his special kind of magic over Nightmare On Elm Street, the daddy of the slasher movie that made an icon out of a pancake-faced murderer in a Pete Doherty hat. Hollywood Today reports:

Fans who thought the “Nightmare on Elm Street” was over better think again. Production companies Platinum Dunes and New Line, which established itself as a hit-maker after the initial success of the first “Nightmare,” are hoping to breathe new life into the series… With the on-going WGA strike, no scribes are signed-on to the new project, but producers Michael Bay, Brad Fuller, and Andrew Form revealed that their intent is to uncover the history behind Krueger.

That's great – the history behind Freddy Krueger. It'll be just like that witless Halloween remake from last year, then. Maybe we'll discover that Freddy Krueger went bad because he was bullied at school, or because his little sister consistently got a better age at Wii Sports than him. These are the precise things that drive people to murder and rape, after all.

But kudos to Michael Bay for deciding to remake it. Because it'll certainly be challenging for him to ruin a film that's already been ruined by seven increasingly shit sequels. So Michael Bay is really going to have to pull his thumb out if he wants to properly destroy everyone's memory of Nightmare On Elm Street properly. After all, he's got this to contend with.

Topping that will be a tough job, but if anyone can do it, it'll be Michael Bay. We believe in you, Michael.

Read more:

Freddy Krueger Back From the Dead, Elm Street Worries – Hollywood Today