Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.
It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.
When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.
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We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.
Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.
It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.
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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.
Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.
So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.
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Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.
No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.
Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.
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Right lets cut to the chase, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has a crap script and the acting is, for lack of a better word, shit. Sorry Michael, but bear with us because you come off good in the end…
It’s still got those bloody parents in it, it’s rife with dodgy racial stereotyping, the irritating shitty robots who do nothing but make lame jokes, penis references and Patrick Dempsey. Trust us – the list goes on!
Frankly it’s difficult to understand why scriptwriter Ehren Kruger is even working on Transformers still, having failed so miserably with the last film. Worst still, despite getting rid of Megan Fox, director Michael Bay has seemingly opted for yet another hottie with zero acting skills in the form of Rosie Huntington-Whitley who seems to spend more time pouting and looking dead to the world than actually contributing to the bloody film. For a director with such a skill at creating visual feasts for the eyes, he sure is ignorant when it comes to the storytelling behind a film… but this is an brilliant film, right?
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Oh dear. What’s a really stupid thing for an actor to do? Well, anti-Semitic comments haven’t ever really helped anyone and slagging off incredibly influential directors is almost certainly a dumb thing to do.
And now, hilariously. Megan Fox is going to find out just what happens when you do both of the above after she compared her boss to Hitler.
It appears that Spielberg didn’t take kindly having someone mouthing off about Hitler who, y’know, oversaw the killing of quite a few Jews, probably including a number of Spielberg’s family. As such, Stevie boy saw to it that Fox lost some lucrative acting work. What with her being one of the most amazing actors we’ve ever seen, this will no doubt be a crushing blow to her CV.
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Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Beloved, overly twee fables that have taught generation upon generation about simple truths like honesty, fidelity and all sorts of traditional virtues. Beloved by thousands upon thousands of people for hundreds of years, these simple stories have been translated into languages around the globe as well as being an essential document for Walt Disney Studios to crib from for decades.
All very nice, but it does sounds about as dull as your average Palin. You know what they need? Explosions! Mismatched buddies storylines! Michael Bay! Everything exploding into your face in 3 – D! Yeah!
The only trouble is which one to choose. All the obvious ones have been taken, and it needs to be something that lends itself to having bits flying at the screen every couple of seconds. And, it needs to remain half-coherent after Bay has taken his editing lawnmower to it. The obvious answer is surely that old German folk-tale ‘The Boy That Goes To War In The Exploding Country And Has Adventures With Guns And Rockets And People Going ‘Whoah’ And Megan Fox’s Arse And That’.
But that’s already been optioned, or doesn’t exist. So they’ve had to make do with Hansel and Gretel.
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A prediction – Transformers 3 will be the Citizen Kane of tediously impenetrable films about toy robots.
It’s going to have everything. Explosions. Casual racism. That kid who fouled up the last Indiana Jones film. Hour upon hour of largely indistinguishable giant robots soullessly clanking into each other to the point where you realise that you would have got precisely the same effect from loading up on booze and taking a kaleidoscope to a scrapyard. Everything. Oh, except for Megan Fox.
It’s been announced that Megan Fox won’t be appearing in Transformers 3. But there’s some confusion over whose decision it was. Was Megan Fox sacked from Transformers 3 because she’s not a good enough actor for Michael Bay, or did Megan Fox quit Transformers 3 because she thinks she can do better than a production line film about some fighting robots? Either way, there’s not a great deal to be proud of here.
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