michael - HecklerSpray

Michael Jackson Used To Mentally Torture Janet Jackson Because He Was A Nasty Piece Of Work

February 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Janet Jackson has had a funny ol’ career hasn’t she? At first, she was pretty much derided and then, at some point in the ’80s, she unleashed a record that sounded like RnB as realised in a dark, dystopian future.

Then, someone cupped her boobs and she made an album that soundtracked the impregnating of millions of women. Fast-forward a chunk and there she is, in the middle of a sports arena with her tit hanging out.

It’s not surprising that our Janet is a bit messed-up in the head. She’s had some spotlight of her own and of course, had the glare of her brothers’ spotlight blinding her too. This isn’t helped by the fact that Michael ‘Oooh, he can’t do a pissing thing wrong because he did stuff for charity’ Jackson bullied the life out of her when she was little. The big shit.

Michael Jackson’s New Album Fails To Dazzle And Misses Out On The Top Spot

December 23rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Michael Jackson’s new LP has caused a fair amount of debate. MJ die-hards have, for the most part, been fawning over it before even hearing it. The rest of us have been slagging it without hearing it.

Basically, we’re all as bad as each other, just as different ends of the spectrum. Either way, it would appear that this new release isn’t going to hit the heady heights that previous LPs have, according to the chart positions.

In fact, poor ol’ Michael Jackson’s ghost is being outsold by Taylor Swift!

Ne-Yo Doesn't Like The New Michael Jackson Money Spinning Album Either

December 21st, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Occasionally, we ask ourselves questions that no doubt keep countless others awake at night. Not the boring ones such as ?why are we here?? and ?what's the meaning of life?? Crikey, those questions are for geeks who discover weed for the first time at university.

Instead, the burning issues on our mind include ?where does the mythical kebab animal live?? and ?would Ne-Yo have been called Yo-Yo if it wasn?t for the playground craze??

Anyway, while Michael Jackson fans have thrust upon the release of newly released material, some people are much more sceptical, preferring that the songs from ?Michael? weren't released. Probably because the music contained on the album isn't up to scratch on previous records. Now for no reason at all, Ne-Yo has thrown his opinion around.

Listen To Michael Jackson’s Utterly Feeble New Single ‘Hold My Hand’

August 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

All new Michael Jackson releases will be subjected to the same question – Is that really him singing? On the strength of new single, ‘Hold My Hand’, fans really should be crossing their fingers and saying “I hope to fuck it isn’t!”

Seriously. Forgetting Jackson’s turbulent personal life for a moment, Michael was a man who achieved truly great things on record. His work in the ’80s was at times, breathtaking and astonishing in depth and range.

From synth-soul, to tender ballads, right up to crazed digital rock and irresistible disco, Jackson knocked out great songs like he wasn’t even trying. And then he got lazy.

Randy Jackson Thinks That New Michael Jackson Tracks Are Bogus

November 19th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Randy Jackson may sound like a nickname for Michael Jackson when he was feeling a bit fruity, but it is in fact, his brother who starred alongside the late-pop star in the Jackson 5. You knew that though, didn’t you?

Anyway, Randy is claiming that several tracks on Michael Jackson’s new album do not feature his vocals. Real talk!

The late singer’s brother is saying that he was immediately “suspicious” of the project when music bosses banned family members from visiting the studio while the tracks were completed.

Michael Jackson’s ‘Michael’ Artwork: The Hidden Meanings Deconstructed

November 8th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

So, this is it then? Soon the world will get to hear all the songs that weren't considered good enough to be put on an album when Michael Jackson was alive thanks to the new collection called ‘Michael’.

Of course we expect all of the Michael Jackson fans to agree with us. After all, they are a sane bunch and wouldn't peck each other?s eyes out to hear songs that never got the seal of approval from the man himself.

Well, it doesn't really matter. Even if Michael Jackson hadn?t given it a sparkly gloved thumbs up, we?d never know. Neither would you. Nor would fist-heavy Joe Jackson… but he wouldn't have cared. He knows that there is a market for dead people and music that's rubbish. Just look at 2Pac. The poor bastard has somehow released more albums from beyond the grave.

Lindsay Lohan’s Dad: Sorry I Called Your Girlfriend Dark & Hideous

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Janet Jackson Launches Own Line Of Wardrobe Malfunctioning Lingerie

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

The name Jackson has shifted meanings quite dramatically over the last few decades.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Jackson Five to Receive Award for Making It Through Life Alive, or Something

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

We’re positively flabbergasted.

It turns out when you add up the stuff from the lives of all the Jackson Five members, there appears to be an achievement in there somewhere, or something. So, let’s give them a lifetime achievement award, shall we?

Be sure to tune in to the award ceremony for the exciting activity where you have to match up pictures of the group from the past and present. If you’re good enough to score 100% you’ll be awarded one of the last un-repossessed llamas from Neverland Ranch.

Don’t get too excited, though. Nobody’s ever won one.