But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January – possibly even June – it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

All the things you take for granted this Christmas – unwrapping presents, realising you don't like the presents, tactlessly asking for the receipt so you can exchange the presents, making the present-giver cry, rolling your eyes and asking them what all the bloody fuss is about, getting told it's because you're a heartless bastard – Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder Civil won't get to experience any of that this year.

That's because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be spending Christmas in Pentonville Prison for his alleged role in beating up a barman and then perverting the course of justice by trying to buy his silence. And prison Christmases aren't much fun, because instead of turkey you're given a bowl of spitty porridge and instead of dozing off in front of The Two Ronnies you're shanked in the kidneys by a tattooed murderer. 

What's more, Blake Fielder Civil will definitely be spending New Year's Eve remanded in custody – and maybe even Valentine's day, Easter, and April Fool's Day too, if it's decided that he has to stay in prison until his trial begins in June. All of those special dates are marked with a murderer kidney-shanking too, by the way, except for Valentine's day where you get shanked and bummed at the same time. 

But as awful as all that must be for Blake Fielder Civil, imagine how it must feel for his wife Amy Winehouse. She's already overdosed on drugs, been booed by her fans and staggered around London covered in blood this year, and now she has to spend the festive season all alone, too? That's too much for any girl to bear, which is why Blake Fielder Civil has stepped in to help Amy Winehouse out.

It's been reported that Blake has ordered Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, where they both got married earlier this year, to think about all the good times they've had together since the wedding, like the near-death overdose, the messed-up rehab visits, the arrests, the blood-soaked razorblade fights and the skronky fan-angering concerts, that sort of thing. And, according to Amy Winehouse's hairdresser, that's exactly what she's going to do:

"Amy told me Blake wants her to go away for Christmas to get away from it all. She is not on top of the world. But speaking to Blake on the phone helps. She'll go to Miami if Blake keeps going on about it because she loves him and wants to make him happy."

Of course, nobody can expect Amy Winehouse to solve all of her problems just by spending a few days in Miami, no matter what Will Smith may have rapped to you in 1998. But perhaps the trip will give Amy some time to put her issues in perspective. After all, it's only away from the media spotlight that Amy will see it's really not such a big deal to destroy your own career and become a laughing stock because you're addicted to hard drugs and married to a trilby-wearing pillock of a jailbird. 

Read more:

Amy Off To Miami – Sunday Mirror