Oh look at you, all pleased for Beyonce and Jay-Z for growing a lickle baby waby inside her. It’s amazing isn’t it? She’ll go from Best Woman In The World to Shoving Stupid Pictures Of Her Spawn All Over Her Stupid Facebook in one felled swoop.

Of course, if you’ve been gawping at her, you will have noticed that she has been showing something of a baby bump off. This is so we can all coo about her pregnancy glow, right?

Well, rumour has it that, while she is indeed waiting on a baby, she’s not pregnant at all! NOT PREGNANT AT ALL. So what’s the muttering?

Well, as everyone is reporting at the minute, Beyonce is rumoured to be using a fake baby bump, thereby making her pregnancy more obvious.

Why would she do that? Because the publicity is nice? Probably.

However, if she’s got a plastic stomach on, then maybe, just maybe, she’s actually giving birth to a plastic baby. A baby that will never cry. A baby that will never age. A baby you can leave in a drawer and not worry about social services trying to kick your ass while you go on tour for a year.

Elsewhere, some site called Oh No They Didn’t, have reported that a surrogate could possibly be carrying Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby.

“Rumor has it that Beyoncé is wearing a fake prosthetic while her unknown surrogate carries her baby,” it claims.

Lawyers, please take note: We didn’t claim she was faking it. We claimed that she was actually pregnant with a plastic child.

Just so you know exactly what you’re suing us for.

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The murky swamp of celebrity gossip has been threatening to drown Jada Pinkett-Smith or, at the very least, feed her to a float of hungry crocodiles with an agenda against the Wachowski Brothers.

After rumours emerged that her fame is almost completely linked to being Will Smith’s wife, Pinkett-Smith was under close scrutiny to prove that she could still get work without water-skiing the afore-mentioned swamp, using Mr Smith’s coattails to keep herself upright.

Pinkett-Smith, currently appearing in the widely panned but yet renewed TNT series ‘Hawthorne’, has said that she is grateful for the support of her husband.

The actress had been romantically linked to her co-star Marc Anthony despite the man looking like an interrupted child’s claymation representation of what a human being should look like. These rumours were strongly denied by both Anthony and Pinkett-Smith but then, if you were having an affair, you would deny rumours like that.

Of course, Jada doesn’t understand some really simple concepts surrounding marriage and therefore, one would imagine, she’s incapable of carrying on an affair with anyone without announcing it on a billboard.

It seems that one of Jada’s primary worries about divorce is having to raise the two kids- Jaden & Willow- on her own. We’re not sure if the star of “The Matrix films that no-one likes” has fully understood the concept of a divorce to be honest. In a recent interview with Bang, she said:

“Thank goodness they have a father and I don’t have to raise them alone. Having been raised by a single mother I’m very clear on what the difficulties of being raised by a single mother are.”

That’s fine, yeah. The kids do have a father. The two of them getting a divorce wouldn’t act as a magical child-repellant on Will Smith, making him forget about his responsibilities as a father and returning to Miami to get ‘jiggy wid it’ with a bevvy of attractive women in fluorescent bikinis. This isn’t the 90s!

“It’s very hard when you don’t have a male component in the home to create balance and help in the decision-making. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to just pass the ball, like, ‘Tag, you’re it, you got this one’.”

Again we feel compelled to point out that divorce isn’t the same as not having a father. Given that the kids seem to have fledgling acting and music careers thanks to the connections of their Dad, it seems that somebody might be trying to lay the groundwork for a custody battle. Probably someone doing interviews at Bang Showbiz.

Shit-stirring. We like that.

How was your bank holiday weekend? Chances are, it wasn’t nearly as eventful as Solange ‘Beyonce’s Sister’ Knowles… unless of course, you’re always having policemen stab your giant banana with a switchblade.

Of course, in America, it is tradition to carry a humongous banana with you when you’ve found out you’re going to be an auntie (Beyonce is having a baby. Haven’t you heard? Expect a horrible ‘motherhood’ LP in the near future).

However, Miami police (the same ones that fished Sean Kingston’s nearly-dead body out of the water not too long ago) haven’t heard of this tradition and promptly tried to stab the banana, thinking it was some dreadful Godzilla thing about to rampage through the city.

Are you still wondering what in the Sam Hell is going on here? Let us explain.

Beyonce’s younger sis tried to get into a nightclub with a giant banana. The club wouldn’t let a giant banana in, so cops threatened to stab it.

Seriously.

The police say that Solange (easy on the eye) got all unruly with officers, while she says they were being racist. All the while, the giant banana just stood there, making the whole thing farcical.

Solange says:

“Never once during the incident did I even raise my voice. I feel very strongly about standing up for myself when something is wrong, and am very disappointed in the way that the Miami [Beach] Police Department has handled this case.”

She says that her and a couple of chums went to a club, and somewhere along the way, she obtained a giant banana, which they planned to give to a pal’s kid the next day. The bouncer at the club informed them that they couldn’t take the big banana inside.

Then, the group….

“…encountered two police officers who had casual, light-hearted conversation with them.”

It’s here that one officer “pulled out a switchblade” and threatened to stab the giant banana.

Solange’s rep says:

“They felt it was inappropriate, but the turning point happened when he then took out the switchblade a second time with the blade open and said to them, ‘I don’t find the humor in this, anymore.’ The blade was less than a couple feet away from Solange and her friends.”

E! News say that the ‘MBPD previously said that a 5-foot-banana-toting Knowles was the one who became unruly with two off-duty police officers, who then guided her across the street to calm her down. They say that she had been loudly complaining that she was turned away from the nightclub for racial reasons.’

Any clearer?

How dare you suggest we’re on drugs!

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Flo Rida, who accurately pointed out that Alexandra Burke only sings the crooked letters from the alphabet, is doing what a good rapper should and getting his skull-sized pectoral muscles into trouble with the law.

The hip-pop star, who has a voice like a pained mule being assaulted with an accordion, is getting his expensive jewellery felt-up by the long arm of the law after he decided to have a few ales and then climb into his Austin Montego for a nice drive.

Yep. Flo Rida, real name Florence and the Machine Rider, has been charged with drink driving after he was arrested in Miami.

Now, when rappers get arrested, it’s usually on some technicality because the American police force like nothing better than booking Danno, especially when Danno happens to be wealthy and black. However, Flo has no such defence really.

He was arrested by police after he was found to be twice over the legal limit.

Of course, being utterly arseholed behind the wheel, Flo Rida drove somewhat erratically, swerving all over the place and honking his horn by flexing his protruding tit muscles. Possibly.

Either way, the police saw a magnolia coloured Austin Montego driving madly and decided to haul it to the lay-by where they found a burping Flo. He promptly failed his sobriety test.

Flo Rida reported told the police:

“I can’t do this. I don’t feel I can walk a straight line. I had a few drinks. Let’s try another test. I live on the other side of the bridge. I can make it home.”

Daft twat.

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Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

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Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most – a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush – but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January – possibly even June – it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

All the things you take for granted this Christmas – unwrapping presents, realising you don't like the presents, tactlessly asking for the receipt so you can exchange the presents, making the present-giver cry, rolling your eyes and asking them what all the bloody fuss is about, getting told it's because you're a heartless bastard – Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder Civil won't get to experience any of that this year.

That's because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be spending Christmas in Pentonville Prison for his alleged role in beating up a barman and then perverting the course of justice by trying to buy his silence. And prison Christmases aren't much fun, because instead of turkey you're given a bowl of spitty porridge and instead of dozing off in front of The Two Ronnies you're shanked in the kidneys by a tattooed murderer. 

What's more, Blake Fielder Civil will definitely be spending New Year's Eve remanded in custody – and maybe even Valentine's day, Easter, and April Fool's Day too, if it's decided that he has to stay in prison until his trial begins in June. All of those special dates are marked with a murderer kidney-shanking too, by the way, except for Valentine's day where you get shanked and bummed at the same time. 

But as awful as all that must be for Blake Fielder Civil, imagine how it must feel for his wife Amy Winehouse. She's already overdosed on drugs, been booed by her fans and staggered around London covered in blood this year, and now she has to spend the festive season all alone, too? That's too much for any girl to bear, which is why Blake Fielder Civil has stepped in to help Amy Winehouse out.

It's been reported that Blake has ordered Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, where they both got married earlier this year, to think about all the good times they've had together since the wedding, like the near-death overdose, the messed-up rehab visits, the arrests, the blood-soaked razorblade fights and the skronky fan-angering concerts, that sort of thing. And, according to Amy Winehouse's hairdresser, that's exactly what she's going to do:

"Amy told me Blake wants her to go away for Christmas to get away from it all. She is not on top of the world. But speaking to Blake on the phone helps. She'll go to Miami if Blake keeps going on about it because she loves him and wants to make him happy."

Of course, nobody can expect Amy Winehouse to solve all of her problems just by spending a few days in Miami, no matter what Will Smith may have rapped to you in 1998. But perhaps the trip will give Amy some time to put her issues in perspective. After all, it's only away from the media spotlight that Amy will see it's really not such a big deal to destroy your own career and become a laughing stock because you're addicted to hard drugs and married to a trilby-wearing pillock of a jailbird. 

Read more:

Amy Off To Miami – Sunday Mirror