Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Rock music is all about big parties, big hair and big mountains of cocaine that you can slam a groupie’s head into, isn’t it? Not if you’re Axl Rose and all you want is to get your head down for a couple of hours.
Perhaps we’re being too harsh on ol’ castrato-voice himself but this is- without a doubt- the most boring news story in Rock. That’s right folks, this one’s a stinker.
Axl Rose wanted blackout blinds for his penthouse suite so he could get some kip.
Oh look at you, all pleased for Beyonce and Jay-Z for growing a lickle baby waby inside her. It’s amazing isn’t it? She’ll go from Best Woman In The World to Shoving Stupid Pictures Of Her Spawn All Over Her Stupid Facebook in one felled swoop.
Of course, if you’ve been gawping at her, you will have noticed that she has been showing something of a baby bump off. This is so we can all coo about her pregnancy glow, right?
Well, rumour has it that, while she is indeed waiting on a baby, she’s not pregnant at all! NOT PREGNANT AT ALL. So what’s the muttering?
The murky swamp of celebrity gossip has been threatening to drown Jada Pinkett-Smith or, at the very least, feed her to a float of hungry crocodiles with an agenda against the Wachowski Brothers.
After rumours emerged that her fame is almost completely linked to being Will Smith’s wife, Pinkett-Smith was under close scrutiny to prove that she could still get work without water-skiing the afore-mentioned swamp, using Mr Smith’s coattails to keep herself upright.
Pinkett-Smith, currently appearing in the widely panned but yet renewed TNT series ‘Hawthorne’, has said that she is grateful for the support of her husband.
How was your bank holiday weekend? Chances are, it wasn’t nearly as eventful as Solange ‘Beyonce’s Sister’ Knowles… unless of course, you’re always having policemen stab your giant banana with a switchblade.
Of course, in America, it is tradition to carry a humongous banana with you when you’ve found out you’re going to be an auntie (Beyonce is having a baby. Haven’t you heard? Expect a horrible ‘motherhood’ LP in the near future).
However, Miami police (the same ones that fished Sean Kingston’s nearly-dead body out of the water not too long ago) haven’t heard of this tradition and promptly tried to stab the banana, thinking it was some dreadful Godzilla thing about to rampage through the city.
Flo Rida, who accurately pointed out that Alexandra Burke only sings the crooked letters from the alphabet, is doing what a good rapper should and getting his skull-sized pectoral muscles into trouble with the law.
The hip-pop star, who has a voice like a pained mule being assaulted with an accordion, is getting his expensive jewellery felt-up by the long arm of the law after he decided to have a few ales and then climb into his Austin Montego for a nice drive.
Yep. Flo Rida, real name Florence and the Machine Rider, has been charged with drink driving after he was arrested in Miami.
Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.
But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.
This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.
Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most – a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush – but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.
But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January – possibly even June – it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.
