Good news if you’re the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody’s now selling a 4″ x 6″ square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We’ve heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you’ll eventually wind up in the Americas.

We’ve also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony.

That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.

Years ago Madonna had people who loved her – and we mean really loved her. Most of them we assume were bankers and the deaf. We’d give you a list of exactly who loved her but none of them have ever wanted their names publicly released for fear they’d be excommunicated from one church or another.

Not Jim Albright though – he wasn’t ashamed of his feelings for her. You see, until her he was best known for being born on a river bank from the swollen bum of a hippo. Can you imagine living with that? Luckily the tabloids were far more interested in the fact that Madonna was feeding from his jugular every couple hours than they were about him taking his first breath from beneath a giant pile of brown.

Or something like that, anyway. The point being – Albright dated Madonna exclusively at some point in the early nineties. As a result he has several faxed love notes from her and two cassette tapes chock full of smutty messages. The faxed notes read like a Mad Lib, and the love messages had the general theme of one day adopting all of Africa together.

Once again our mind may have hazed the truth lines. We’ll let NBC News relate everything:

“Madonna faxed love letters to her then-boyfriend Jim Albright and left naughty messages on his answering machine in the early 1990s. The messages are on two micro-cassette tapes estimated to sell for up to $40,000.”

So if you want to hear Madonna tell somebody else a long time ago about how those boob-cones really chaffe, and how making love to black religious statues is actually a whole lot of work, then by all means throw in a bid. Might we suggest you start with at least three digits.

For the rest of us though, we’ll just have to content ourselves with buying her one stranded desert-island movie from countless bargain bins. We saw it once for under a dollar.

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The world may not care that much about Britney Spears as a singer any more, but so long as she's got ovaries constantly on the brink of inflating up another redneck infant and expelling it from her body, she'll never be without attention.

For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as "B.S." So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what's the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn't pregnant or there's a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who's sitting on an effing goldmine.

There's no doubt in the world that Britney Spears enjoys being pregnant. If the statue of Britney Spears giving birth isn't a pretty good signal of this, then the way that Britney Spears posed naked for a magazine when she was pregnant with Jayden James should prove it. And if you're still not convinced, count the times that Britney Spears has displayed her vagina in public, as if to say "this is the place where all my little men come from."

However, as much as Britney Spears loves being pregnant, she obviously hasn't got used to the bit that comes afterwards yet, as the bad driving and the claims of abuse and the skull fractures and the losing custody to Kevin Federline – Kevin Federline! – go to show. So just because Britney Spears likes pregnancy, it's probably not something she should do very often. 

And that's why there's so much fuss being made about the state of Britney Spears womb at the moment. Earlier this week In Touch Weekly magazine claimed that Britney Spears was pregnant again, with a baby fathered by music producer JR Rotem. However, Britney Spears said that she wasn't pregnant and called the whole thing "B.S" – which is confusing because that could be an abbreviation for either "bullshit," "Britney Spears," "Baby? Sure" or "Boom Shack-A-Lack," an ultimately irrelevant reference to the 1993 Apache Indian number five hit.

But In Touch Weekly is determined to go down swinging, and it has released the text messages that it claims are from JR Rotem confirming the pregnancy. Along with an "it's true" message, In Touch also apparently received one from Rotem that answers a question about whether or not Britney Spears will keep the baby with:

"No clue on what she will do. She is unpredictable." 

So it looks like Britney Spears is pregnant after all. But, no, wait, JR Rotem has also gone to People magazine to say that Britney Spears isn't actually pregnant at all, saying that:

"There is absolutely no truth to this." 

You know who we feel sorry for if Britney Spears really is pregnant with her third child? Britney Spears' fourth child, that's who. Look at the pattern of Britney's decreasing pregnancy enthusiasm – when Britney was pregnant with baby number it was all smiles and happiness. Then Britney got pregnant with baby number two and called it a giant mistake. Now that Britney could be pregnant with baby number three, she's so embarrassed by it that she's denying it even exists, spawning all kinds of dark abortion talk. So on this basis, when Britney Spears gets pregnant with baby number four she'll probably end up stabbing herself in the womb with a carving knife on live TV or something.

Which, admittedly, would still pale against Britney's MTV VMA performance in terms of uncomfortable television moments.

Read more:

In Touch Gets Text Punk'D? – E! Online