Today we bring to you a witty take on the Mercury Music Prize Nominees before anyone else and you should thank us, because we have endured listening to Ms. Dynamite on the Lauren Laverne show to do this; there was terrible music and hateful voices everywhere. We really do not look forward to watching them on TV, when we will be forced to stare into her dead eyes while Jools Holland carries on regardless in the background.

As some clever sod said on twitter, The Mercury’s are the private school of awards, which is probably why anyone who wins goes on to do nothing of any importance with the money.

Feel free to disagree with that previous statement, but just know we have tricks up our designer sleeves. Pulp did alright didn’t they? Arguably so did Dizzee Rascal, except now he touts CBBC theme music – you could say all of these things but then we would say Speech Debelle and you would lose.

Who are these secret industry professionals that decide the nominees, and indeed winners, of the oh so prestigious, not to mention cursed, award? Clearly they are a group of jaded, failed musicians who invented this to shit all over the careers of good young men and women by giving it to the joke act – M People. It all got a bit out of hand when Barclaycard decided sponsorship was a good idea though, so they quickly gave it to The XX to regain a fraction of credibility. That one backfired when Jamie ran away with all the money, changed his last name to XX, and started remixing every top 40 song of the past five years.

So the post-dubstep war on the world is continuing as James Blake, Ghostpoet, and Katy B are all given nominations for three decent albums. Along with Ms. B, Tinie Tempah and Adele fill the pop quota; they have to have a few so the tabloids don’t start spewing out garbage about them being out of touch and unnecessary, but if either of those three win then we will take it upon ourselves to make their lives a misery. Especially you Adele! She obviously reads her own press.

Now that the pop quota has been taken care of, they have to notch up some points with the always under-represented avant-garde, which is the only reason Gwiylm Simcock (ha! SIMCOCK!) was invited to the party. The token jazz act is a bid to create some buzz, tickling the ivories at the nominations ceremony. Not only did the maestro play the keys, he played the inside of a grand piano like a great big show off.

Gwiylm doesn’t stand a chance. And ha! SIMCOCK!

After all the genre gaps have been filled in, the judges get straight down to business feeding us concentrated indie from the likes of Anna Calvi, Elbow, PJ Harvey, Metronomy, Everything Everything, and King Creosote with Jon Hopkins. Some obviously generic choices to keep the guessers at bay and some genuinely inspired choices of albums that feel like they came out about five years ago.

The odds are the closest ever, according to gambling experts William Hill who inform us that Adele’s ’21′ and PJ Harvey’s ‘Let England Shake’ are the favourites at 4/1. Meanwhile the outsiders at 10/1 are: Gwilym Simcock’s (Ha!) ‘Good Days at Schloss Elmau’ , Ghostpoet’s ‘Peanut Butter Blues and Melancholy Jam’, and ‘Diamond Mine’ by King Creosote and Jon Hopkins.

By the time September rolls around you will be wondering why Adele is, why Tinie Tempah is still wearing sunglasses, how Elbow can be so boring, who Anna Calvi copied from, why Katy B didn’t stick to helping out Magnetic Man, who King Creosote is and why was he working with some guy called Jon Hopkins, where you’ve heard PJ Harvey before, and what jazz even is.

That leaves you with James Blake, Ghostpoet, Metronomy, and Everything Everything – the only people who deserve to win; naturally none of them will.

Congratulations Adele go and buy yourself a nice cake.

Tonight sees the annual Mercury Music Prize trundling into view, hauling its mighty self worth with it. Bands will be dribbled over and invariably drowned out to the sound of a room congratulating itself with thunderous back-slaps. Jools Holland will probably join-in with some faux honky tonk piano.

And weirdly, the bookies favourite for a win tonight is octogenarian Paul Weller, with his album ‘Wake Up The Nation’.

You can see what we thought of that album, and indeed, all the other nominees at this predictably dismissive article here.

Weirdly, there’s been a massive number of bets on Weller’s latest LP. Internet polls have also shown that the grumpiest singer in town is a clear favourite for tonight.

A spokesperson for bookmaker William Hill said:

“This is a pretty unprecedented gamble – certainly in the history of the Mercury, and also every other music award.”

This will no doubt mean that the Mercury judges will be scrabbling around to find another album to choose because they’re so achingly muso that they’ll not want to go with the popular opinion and instead, choose an album that wasn’t even shortlisted in the first place.

Maybe they’ll give it Speech Debelle again for a laugh.

If you want to know who the other nominees for tonight’s Mercury Music Prize are, then here’s a list of them:

Barclaycard Mercury Prize nominees:

Biffy Clyro – ‘Only Revolutions’

Corinne Bailey Rae – ‘The Sea’

Dizzee Rascal – ‘Tongue N’ Cheek’

Vengaboys ‘Cod Reggae’

Foals – ‘Total Life Forever’

I Am Kloot – ‘Sky At Night’

Kit Downes Trio – ‘Golden’

Black Lace ‘Dirty Songs About Airlines’

Laura Marling – ‘I Speak Because I Can’

Mumford and Sons – ‘Sigh No More’

Paul Weller – ‘Wake Up The Nation’

The XX – ‘xx’

Villagers – ‘Becoming a Jackal’

Wild Beasts – ‘Two Dancers’

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The Mercury Music Prize is a press junket with feelings. While bozos get plastered and toot chong from toilet cisterns, pinning lackeys against walls with their feeble erections, a panel of judges all pat each other on the back discussing albums that Really Mean It Man, as opposed to those that sold loads of copies that Didn’t Mean It Man.

And, as ever, ‘musical creativity and excellence’ is supposedly highlighted by the predictable 12 Albums of the Year shortlisted for the 2010 Barclaycard Mercury Prize. And they’ve been announced today!

Aren’t you excited?

“This year’s Mercury list includes musicians from all stages of their careers and from contrasting parts of the British Isles,” says Simon Frith, Chair of Judges. “It features music that is urban and rural, light and dark, joyful and profound. The records have wit, an abundance of musical energy and their own distinct voices. There is music here to make you laugh, cry, dance and sing. Enjoy!”

Idiot. Here’s the real skinny on what the albums sound like:

Biffy Clyro ‘Only Revolutions‘

Biffy Clyro are the kind of band you’d once find in the 9p bin in Andy’s Records in the ’90s. File them next to forgotten hapless indie schmucks like Baby Chaos and Megacity 4. In one song, they have the audacity to say “Is this the pinnacle of being alive?” The answer is a resounding ‘no’ to this pedestrian bilge.

Corinne Bailey Rae ‘The Sea’

Corinne Bailey Rae is, essentially, the Amy Winehouse for people in Farah slacks who have peas growing in the garden. Of course, she’s had bad times in her personal life, which will mean that failed musician rock critics will search every single line for a hint of personal pain. Wanders into acid-jazz territory far too frequently. Stand-out line “Don’t you feel like you’ve had enough?” Yep.

Dizzee Rascal ‘Tongue N’ Cheek’

It’s wacky ol’ Fantasy World Dizzee! He’s got a funny rapping voice which sounds like he’s constantly in a head-lock! And he did that funny interview with Jeremy Paxman!  Apparently he’s got “eight-hundred-fifty-pound jeans covering [his] shin.” You’d hope for that money they’d cover your arse as well.

Foals ‘Total Life Forever’

Foals are, without doubt, one of the most irritating bands to ever grace a speaker-tweeter. Seemingly cribbing their grooves from old Level 42 albums, Foals go about their business with an earnestness not seen since Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the oven. Basically, Foals are the band Coldplay could’ve been if they didn’t sell as many records. Imagine that. Brrrrrr.

I Am Kloot ‘Sky At Night’

Guy Garvey approved Mancs, I Am Kloot, are acoustic balladeers who sound exactly like the sort of thing Jools Holland fizzes over without being allowed to sit in on piano. Sadly, this long-player does not feature Patrick Moore pissing about on a xylophone.

Kit Downes Trio ‘Golden’

When people appear on Countdown and say “I’ll take three large ones and two small ones please” in the numbers round, then the Mercury Music Prize judges apply a similar rule to the way they go about their shortlist. Essentially, they say “we’ll have a load of rock LPs and a couple of weird kooky choices please Rachel!” Kit Downes & Co. are this year’s token jazz entrant who, on occasion, sound like a piano being thrown down a spiral staircase… and chased by further pianos.

Laura Marling ‘I Speak Because I Can’

Typical self-confessional folk bollocks from Laura Marling, which is the sound of someone tapping along on the steering wheel of their Range Rover, reeking of self-satisfaction. It’s so personal! IT’S SO INTIMATE! BECAUSE IT IS A GIRL! LOOK! AND SHE’S PLAYING A GUITAR AS WELL! IT’S SO REAL THAT WHEN YOU CUT THE ALBUM… IT BLEEDS BLOOD! LIKE AN UNCOOKED STEAK! This album will probably win.

Mumford & Sons ‘Sigh No More’

Weak, beige rubbish that underlines why 6Music isn’t needed on the radio at all. Mumford & Sons are the modern equivalent of The Levellers, with earnest gubbins backed by stupid fucking instruments and cod-anthemic choruses that sound like a rubbish Christmas single.

Paul Weller ‘Wake Up the Nation’

Paul Weller makes his best since Stanley Road. Right? Now, lets point out that Stanley Road only had three good tunes on it. Now we’re getting somewhere. Basically, while it is nice to see Weller being more experimental, there’s no hiding from the fact that, for the most part, he sounds like an old man throwing a tantrum at the telly. Paul Weller is a legend for doing very little. Disagree all you want, but The Jam weren’t that good, Style Council were abysmal and his solo stuff is mediocre for the most part.

The xx ‘xx’

Ah. The hipster’s choice. Another strong contender for the prize no doubt, mainly down to the fact that 30-somethings can see why young people like them and want to get down with them. Really though, they just want to stare at the young people’s bra-straps. Anyway, The xx are disaffected bedsit indie, which is incredibly popular with folks now. Personally, I would have put Lonelady in their place in this list, but I clearly don’t know a thing about anything.

Villagers ‘Becoming a Jackal’

Yet another woody, introspective band that want to tell you all about their bloody feelings.

Wild Beasts ‘Two Dancers’

Wild Beasts are unfathomably popular. They’re staggeringly awful and veer dangerously close to the yodelling breakdowns in Focus records far too frequently. They’re a mewing, bleeding heart bunch that really need a clip ’round the head. Melodramatic throwaway nonsense that could only be enjoyed by the most weedy, simpering idiot. This of course means that this is a good outside bet to win this pointless award. I bet their fans wear those stupid ironic jumpers with wolves on.

In conclusion…

This line-up is, without doubt, the most dickless, empty dancefloor of a list seen in years. There’s no fun or energy in this brow-beaten, wallowing clutch of bands. It’s a list of bands, Dizzee excepted, that probably like playing with twigs on a Friday night whilst pondering which of the nine hummus bowls to dip into. British music in 2010 is, quite frankly, wetter than a baby’s follow-through. It would have been much more fun if the Mercury Prize had the cheek to actually give the award to a pop outfit like Alexandra Burke or something.

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Ooh, can you feel the nerves building yet? The Mercury Music Prize takes place tonight – the nation’s foremost music prize where the judges will pick a winner based on how cool it’ll make them look rather than actual quality of music.

Yesterday, we looked at the first half of nominees, including the wonky-dancing Estelle and the brilliantly bonkers British Sea Power. With another six albums to pick from, we’re glad that the job hasn’t been given to us to pick a winner. We’d just get in a flap and end up throwing a dart at the various records. That is how the Pope is picked isn’t it? Anyways, here are the rest of the nominations for this year’s prize…

Neon Neon – Stainless Style – Featuring the producer Boom Bip and Gruff Rhys, who is one of the members of the Super Furry Animals. The music’s concept revolves around the playboy designer John DeLorean. Yes that’s right, as in the DeLorean car in the Back To The Future movies. Ace, eh?

Portico Quartet - Knee Deep In The North Sea – When people say jazz isn’t popular, you can at least say one album has some respect. Their raw sound has seen this fourpiece busk around their home city of London which can involve churches. What Jesus what make of this isn’t known. But we assume he’d crack out a saxophone and jam with them.

Rachel Unthank and the Winterset – The Bairns – Natives of Northumberland, they have created a subtle blend of folk which warms the cockles of most music reviewers. Despite many not knowing of them too much, there could be an outside chance of them winning if the bigger artists fail to capture the attention of the judges.

Radiohead – In Rainbows – Last year, Radiohead shat all over the music industry by letting fans buy their album at any price they felt. Once we got over that and listened, Thom and co returned with another album combining the weirdness of Kid A with their fortune finding album OK Computer. This year’s big entry who won’t win for this reason.

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss – Raising Sand – You know the guy from Led Zeppelin? Well it’s not quite a solo album, but he has departed from the rest of his OAP rockers. This is his side project whilst he debates whether or not to reform Led Zep. A country-sounding album with Alison Krauss caught many offguard, but the variation in style made shows he can hack different genres and make sure people know another country record apart from anything Johnny Cash released.

The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of the Understatement – Another year, another Arctic Monkey connection to the awards. It could have been an hour-long record with Alex Turner being recorded on the bog and it’d still get nominated. Based on his connections to Sheffield’s finest and Miles Kane – singer from The Rascals, fans literally lapped it up before listening. Not a straightforward listen, but instead a development in the writing ability of the two.

We mentioned yesterday that we think Burial will win the Mercury Music Prize. This hasn’t changed since yesterday, but tomorrow we’ll probably be writing to celebrate the success of someone else. Bah.