Mental - HecklerSpray

Tiger Woods Banned His Ex From Smiling Like Some Kind Of Mentalist

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Tiger Woods was really good at golf and had a computer game and all that jive? Then, he let his penis wander a little and everyone suddenly had an opinion on him? That was funny wasn’t it?

It looks like he’ll never recover from the moral outrage, which of course, is exactly what he deserves for being so appallingly talented.

Talented he may be, but mental also. According to his?former coach, Tiger (who denied the world the headline of ‘Tiger Uppercut’ by never getting into a fistfight) was so nuts that he banned his ex from smiling.

Cynthia Nixon Hates Gays (Probably Thinks Jews Brought It On Themselves Too)

January 25th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

Madonna Talks About Being A Romantic Instead Of The Negative Reviews For Her New Film

January 10th, 2012 By Michael Park

Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.

The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.

It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.

Top Trumps: The Donald Lays Claim To Gaga’s Career

December 21st, 2011 By Kris Silver

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ?The Donald,? as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

Charlie Sheen’s Ex, Brooke Mueller, Does The Mental Coke Thing In His Place

December 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Hey Everyone! Flesh Eating Vanessa Feltz!

November 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What do we know about Vanessa Feltz? Well, she’s going out with that singer from Phats & Small. She was once the female Robert Kilroy Silk with her vaguely reactionary? daytime show. She once wrote a book called What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!

Ummm. Oh, and she went absolutely stark-mental while appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, which everyone enjoyed.

So what’s she up to these days? Well, the answer to that is short and simple – flesh eating.

Goodbye Charlie Sheen – You Are Dead To Us Now

September 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.

We officially don’t care.

When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.

Charlie Sheen Takes Ex On Holiday Because Everyone Else Can’t Stand The Sight Of Them

August 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

Pussy Juggalos Throw Like Girls As Charlie Sheen Avoids Missiles At Make-up Gathering [Video]

August 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.

Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.

Charlie Sheen Is Getting Killed And Not Suing The Woman He Made Cry In A Cupboard

August 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.

It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.

Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?