Miley Cyrus has conquered every medium she’s tried; TV, film, music, reputation-sullying internet underwear photos – she’s queen of them all.

But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That’s something we can all agree on.

Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it’s been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!

This is just a guess, but we’d imagine that some of our female readers kept diaries during their teenage years. And if that’s true, then the thought of having those diaries turned into a book – allowing the world full access to all your adolescent neuroses and anecdotes about that time you sat in a cupboard, kissed your own hand and pretended it was Mel Gibson‘s face – probably makes you want to cry.

Miley Cyrus clearly doesn’t have the same fear as you, though, because – even though she’s just 15 years old – she’s signed a deal with the Disney Book Club to write her memoirs, helpfully filling the previously ignored ‘autobiographies by people who aren’t even old enough to buy fireworks’ market. BBC News reports:

Miley Cyrus, teenage star of Disney’s Hannah Montana TV series, has signed a book deal to tell her life story. The 15-year-old’s memoir will focus on her relationship with mother Leticia, according to the Disney Book Group. “I am so excited to let fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me,” said Cyrus. She said she hoped “to motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together and inspire kids around the world to live their dreams.”

What? ‘Motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together’? Christ, we’re not sure if we’d even trust Miley Cyrus to write the insides of greetings cards, let alone actual books. And Miley Cyrus will be writing the book, by the way – it won’t just be some lazily spunked-off vanilla-flavoured piece of ghostwritten focus-grouped hackery schemed up by people who know they’d sell a million fang-toothed AIDS monkeys to children if they had the name Miley Cyrus written on them somewhere. Or maybe it will be. Come to think of it, it probably will be, won’t it? Sorry.

Besides, surely Miley Cyrus writing her autobiography now is a mistake. Sure, she’ll be able to detail her massive successes with the Hannah Montana TV show and the Hannah Montana movie and the Hannah Montana concert tour and the Hannah Montana albums – successes that most adults will never see – but she’s not thinking ahead. What about the book that Miley Cyrus will write in the year 2040 where she discusses her fall from popularity and subsequent alcoholism, drug addiction, bankruptcy and tragic slide into low-rent prostitution? If people have already got one Miley Cyrus autobiography then they won’t want another one.

Still, maybe these Miley Cyrus memoirs aren’t meant to be read by her fans. After all, the book promises to contain ‘previously unseen photos’ and, considering how filthy the previously seen Mily Cyrus photos are, we’re half expecting Miley’s book to come sealed in a foiled wrapper like Madonna’s Sex book.

Read more:

Montana star Cyrus to write book – BBC

Want to know exactly what was going through George Michael's mind when he waggled his todger at a policeman in a public Los Angeles toilet?

Oh, come on, yes you do. You do. Just like you want to know how George Michael felt when he called up Richard and Judy to defend getting caught wanking off a stranger in a bush.

And soon you'll know, because George Michael has just announced that he's to write his autobiography, and it'll include every single important event from his life apart from all the bits that he forgot because he fell asleep in the middle of them.

George Michael has a lifestyle that millions of people violently envy daily. Admittedly, they're the millions of people whose dream life consists of nothing but falling asleep in inappropriate places and then romping off to the park to masturbate ugly strangers, but they still count.

But until now we've never really got a handle on what George Michael is like deep down. Sure, we know he's the bloke from Wham! who Princess Diana wanted to shag. We know that he's either self-deprecating enough to appear as himself in the Extras Christmas special or so stubbornly humourless that he screams about suing the whole world after it's seen him rummaging with a man's winky in a bush. We know that George Michael loves the drugs.

That's all, though, and we're so desperate to know more that we regularly just give up and start crying because we don't know the precise ins and outs of George Michael's everyday life. But that'll all change next year, though, because that's when George Michael's tell-all autobiography will be released. What's more, it'll make George Michael rich beyond his wildest dreams. Reuters reports:

Pop star George Michael will write a no-holds-barred biography to appear in autumn 2009 after signing what HarperCollins called "one of the biggest book deals ever concluded in UK publishing." The deal was agreed by Belinda Budge, managing director and publisher of Harper NonFiction UK, and Michael's manager Andy Stephens and his book agency. "George has promised HarperCollins a no-holds-barred biography, and it's certain to be just that," Stephens said. "People aren't stupid. They're beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with!"

There's no doubt whatsoever that George Michael's autobiography will top the bestseller list – specifically the Nurses And Hairdressers bestseller list – as people rush out eager to discover George's dark secrets, like how often he fumbles with men he's never met in hedges, what he thinks about being worshipped by that Terrahawk woman from EastEnders or what the hell "guilty feet have got no rhythm" is actually supposed to sodding mean.

At the moment, it's thought that George Michael is trying to work out a structure for his autobiography – for instance, he doesn't know if he should bundle all the 'falling asleep' stories together and all the 'masturbation' stories together, or if a sleep/ wank/ sleep/ wank pattern would be more effective. 

We guess we'll find out when Sleep/Wank: The Memoirs Of That Greek Bloke From Wham! is published next year.

Read more: 

George Michael to write autobiography - Reuters