Have you heard the news? Mel Gibson has got his new girlfriend pregnant! Wait, you had heard the news?

You’d heard the news because it’s been widely known for weeks? Fine. But have you heard the news of Mel Gibson’s impending fatherhood as told by a jittery, shifty-looking middle-aged man who looks as if he harbours several controversial beliefs regarding the Jewish faith? You haven’t? Good, because Mel Gibson did all of that himself on Jay Leno last night.

And the truth is that Mel Gibson got her pregnant and soon he’ll be a dad again. And that’s it. Ta-daaaah!

For a man who doesn’t have any new films coming out until at least next year, Mel Gibson is everywhere at the moment. Everywhere. He’s all over the internet, filling up magazines and on celebrity TV shows so often that we’re genuinely getting nostalgic for the time when he was forced into exile because everyone hated him and actively wanted his career to end.

This sudden wave of attention is, of course, all down to the recent comings and goings in Mel Gibson’s personal life. In the space of – if memory serves correct – about three seconds, Mel Gibson divorced his wife, started going out in public with his new Russian girlfriend and then knocked her up good and proper.

It’s all a bit bewildering, really. Not because the story behind Mel Gibson’s divorce has yet to properly come to light, but because it’s mildly horrifying that any woman would let a man who spent so many years growing such a horrible mullet get close enough to her to make pregnant even a distant possibility.

However, despite all the headlines he’s generated, Mel Gibson hasn’t actually spoken about any of these developments in public – which is probably down to the fear that he’d use a television appearance as an excuse to get drunk, call everyone ‘Sugartits’ and end up explaining at length why the Jews are to blame for everything from all global conflicts to the way that sometimes vending machines don’t accept your coins first time – but now, finally, he has.

Mel Gibson was the first of Jay Leno’s final-week special guests last night, which gave him a chance to fully and frankly get his side of the story across in incredible detail. People reports:

Leno joked with Gibson about his dating a younger woman. “What, is she 17, 18?” Leno asked. Gibson replied that Oksana Grigorieva was almost 40 and “now I am going to have two women mad at me!” Leno then said, “The rumor I have heard is that you guys are going to have a child?” Gibson then confirmed, “This is true. We’re gonna have a child.”

See? You don’t get more fuller or franker than “We’re gonna have a child,” do you? Still, maybe Mel Gibson is waiting to explain the pregnancy in one of the ways he’s most comfortable with – either by making a four-hour gore-porn movie about it where everyone speaks in Chicomuceltec, or by incoherently screaming it at a policeman who’s just arrested him for drink-driving.

We’d prefer the latter, by the way.

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This divorce must be tricky for Mel Gibson. He just hasn’t got any new responses left. Quiet introspection? He’s done that.

Dangerous binge-drinking? He’s done that too. Cringeworthy mid-life crisis? Come on, this is Mel Gibson we’re talking about – his entire adult life has been one long embarrassing mid-life crisis. So that basically leaves Mel Gibson with two options – he can either step out with a new woman to prove that he’s moved on, or he can grow his mullet back.

So Mel Gibson has done the first one. Which is clearly the wrong choice. We bloody loved that mullet.

Mel Gibson is a lot cleverer than many people give him credit for, which is probably a good thing since personally we only credit him with being as clever as a monkey or, at a push, an alarmingly sentient bar of soap. But we’re going off-topic here.

We were talking about Mel Gibson’s intelligence. He’s always one step ahead. For instance, when Mel Gibson made The Passion Of The Christ, he did so knowing that endlessly long films about sad Jesus getting his head kicked in where everyone talks in a language that nobody even speaks any more would be the next big thing. And when Mel Gibson decided to interpret “you have the right to silence” as “you have the right to go on a berserk drunken anti-Semetic rant“ when he got arrested that time, he did so knowing that it gave him the perfect opportunity to take a career break and focus on his hobbies of locking himself indoors and crying for two years.

And when Mel Gibson signed pretty Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva to his music label, he did so knowing that he’d probably get divorced quite soon and that it’s easier to sleep with girls when they’re under some form of contractual obligation to you.

Because, finally, Mel Gibson’s relationship with Oksana Grigorieva is out in the open. And because of this, he’s decided to take her out somewhere nice. Provided that your definition of ‘nice’ is also your definition of ‘a free screening of a film that everyone’s already downloaded anyway’. People reports:

A smiling Mel Gibson made a rare public appearance with his girlfriend Tuesday night at the L.A. industry screening for Wolverine. “Mel has been single for almost three years and it’s nice to see him getting out and enjoying himself,” his rep tells PEOPLE. The actor, 53, dressed in a black suit with a dark gray shirt, stepped out with Oksana Grigorieva, a 39-year-old Russian signer signed to the his record label, Icon Records.

So well done to Mel Gibson and all, but it’s important that you don’t confuse Oksana Grigorieva with Oksana Kolesnikova, the woman who Mel Gibson was mistakenly linked to a fortnight ago. Honestly, people called Oksana are like buses, aren’t they? Not because you go your whole life without meeting one and then two come along at once, but because they’re metallic, rectangular and you’re not allowed inside one unless you’ve got the correct change.

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The Mel Gibson divorce continues to shock – who knew people couldn’t love alcoholic bigots with terrible beards?

But whatever. Now we know that Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn has had it with his twinkly smile and tequila-breathed Jewish ranting, it’s time to work out why the divorce is happening. Is it because of Mel Gibson’s rumoured canoodlings with Russian pianist Oksana Kolesnikova?

Apparently not. Oksana’s reps have denied the affair, presumably on the basis that Mel Gibson is old enough to be her chuffing grandfather and there’s a good chance that his elderly penis would splinter off inside her during intercourse.

So Mel Gibson is getting divorced. We’ll admit that the news came as a shock to us, as it would to anyone apart from Mel Gibson, his estranged wife or anybody who’s ever met Mel Gibson and had to put up with a second of his idiotic midget egomania.

So far, two main things have come from Mel Gibson’s divorce. The first is the sheer size of the potential settlement. It’s been claimed that Mel Gibson might lose anything up to a quarter of a billion dollars in the divorce, reducing the scale of his planned directorial sequels to a film about the time that Jesus got a bit of a splinter off a fencepost and a hard-hitting dramatisation of the moment that the ancient Mayans saw a pig fall over and thought it was quite funny.

The second consequence of Mel Gibson’s divorce is that everyone is now scrambling around trying to root out the cause of the split. Mel’s wife Robyn cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ in the divorce proceedings, which could either mean that a) she’s fed up with all his boozy anti-Semitism, b) it just took her 30 years longer than usual to realise that Mel Gibson was a relentless twatdabble or c) Mel Gibson was dicking another woman.

If it’s the latter – and nobody can really say for sure if it is or not – then the prime suspect would be Russian pianist Oksana Kolesnikova, who has previously been photographed ‘canoodling’ with Mel Gibson on a movie set in Boston and ‘frollicking’ with him in Costa Rica. But, as The Boston Herald reports, Oksana’s not having any of it:

“Sorry to hear about Mel Gibson’s divorce,” a publicist told TMZ.com. “Somehow Oksana is being linked to Mr. Gibson, but there are no emotional ties between the two that I am aware of. Oksana has in the past entertained Mr. Gibson with her piano music as he dined at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel. “Yes, I definitely welcome the opportunity to set the record straight, our Oksana is not romantically involved with Mr. Gibson,” said the unnamed publicist.

We guess that only time will tell if the rumours are true. It shouldn’t take long to discover – if Oksana Kolesnikova really is sleeping with Mel Gibson, the only proof anyone would need would be a photograph of her leaving Mel Gibson’s home while scrubbing at herself furiously with detergent-soaked wire wool.

Well, it’s what we’d do in the same circumstance, anyway.

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Mel Gibson, the Catholic second son of a large Catholic family, has been served divorce papers by his wife, Robyn. Christmas dinner’ll be fun this year.

We’re sure that Robyn Gibson has a very successful and fulfilling career of her own. Sadly, neither we nor you know what it is (we have a horrible suspicion that that is unless you have recently had cause to redecorate an expensive Los Angeles house and wished to know how this affected your feng shui). Anyway, she has served divorce papers on one Mel “Lethal Weapon” Gibson.

Oh yeah, now you’re interested.

We predicted years ago that Mel Gibson, out of all the 80s/90s action movie stars, would be the one to go on to become a drunken misogynistic anti-Semite. If only we’d put some money on it, we’d be rich. Mind you, we’d have taken a hit on our other bets: we also reckoned that Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s ridiculous lower jaw muscles would eventually go into tetanus and he’d starve to death, and that by 2003 all the bits of Spam from which Sylvester Stallone‘s face is whittled would disintegrate or be eaten by dogs. Swings and roundabouts.

No, Mel the Mullet it was. We feel sure that an upbringing in Australia is not the best way to instill a respect for other religions and the fairer sex (i.e. Jews and birds) into an impressionable male youth, but surely that can’t be the whole reason for Mel’s famous tragicomic response to being stopped for what the lawyers call ‘driving while drunk as a Russian submariner on shore leave in St Vodkaburg’. For your continued delight, here is what Mel had to say to the police:

“I’m not going to get in your car…You motherfucker. I’m going to fuck you…Fucking Jews…The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?…What do you think you’re looking at, Sugartits?”

Hahaha! ‘Fucking Jews’, gets us every time. Oh Mel, you hilarious wisecracking drunk.

Maybe sick of his constant anti-Jew/-ladies-with-sugartits rants, or perhaps tired of hearing about ‘this one time when Danny Glover totally cracked up while we were filming this like really serious scene!’, Mel’s wife (unconfirmed feng shui expert Robyn Gibson) has thrown a great big divorce bomb at him.

Not only that, but a so-there  response filed by the Antipodean midget has revealed that Gibson and Gibson actually separated three years ago, around the time of the whole alcohol/driving/Jew thing. People reports:

Last Thursday – the day before Good Friday – Robyn Gibson, 53, his wife of 28 years, signed divorce papers, seeking joint custody over their minor child, Thomas, 9, and spousal support…According to a response that [Mel] Gibson’s lawyer filed Monday afternoon, the couple have been officially separated since August 26, 2006

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Mrs Gibson’s cited reasons for divorce include ‘irreconcilable differences in finding it funny to paint one’s arse blue and shake it around at dinner parties’.

We were unable to contact her lawyer, Mordechai Sweetnips, for comment.

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