The thing that really perplexes almost anyone in possession of eyes, ears, a brain and puberty regarding the ‘phenomenon’ of Justin Bieber is actually what all the fuss is about in the first place. He possesses all the interest and faint repellence of a glass of tepid piss with a mop-top.
But wait! The ugly/interesting rumour of racism/anti-semitism rears its intriguing head! Thank God! (The Christian God, obviously.) It’ll be like Mel Gibson’s ‘sugar-tits’ thing all over again, launching Justin into a fascinating world of well-regarded glove-puppet-orientated indie films!
Oh. It wasn’t even him. It was his mum. Making him even lamer than previously imagined. You’re in it deep if – for all your bland, inoffensive marionette dancing, girlish singing, foolish hairstyles and overall disposability – your mother is more exciting than you are.
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Remember when Mel Gibson was a Beaverless actor who wasn’t thought of as a racist, woman slapping basket case? Remember those days? Everyone liked him and he was the only famous Australian in the world.
Sadly for Mel, there’s loads of famous Australians who don’t terrify women and have buck-toothed rodents welded onto their arms now, leaving him looking pretty daft indeed.
And this is all thanks to his very public and incredibly messy split with Oksana Grigorieva. She’s so hurt by Gibbo’s fall from grace that she wants $500,000 for the trauma it has caused. Not her though. She’s fine. It’s the trauma caused to her 14-year-old son Sasha who everyone is mercilessly bullying thanks to being associated with two humans who give us all incredible amounts of ammunition, mercifully.
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Would you believe it! The new Mel Gibson movie, The Beaver, isn’t getting too great a reception, taking in a paltry £64,000 at the box office. Seriously. Charlie Sheen spends that on coke before he’s even had his breakfast.
And the producer of the film, Jodie Foster, can’t quite fathom what is to blame for the lukewarm response.
Could it be something to do with the fact that the public’s general consensus of Gibson is that he’s a wife-slapping, Jew-hating, N-bomb dropping nutter who is thoroughly dislikeable in every single way and that, perhaps she may have had more joy if she’d cast Robert Mugabe in the lead role? Well, this totally isn’t the case if you ask Foster.
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Mel Gibson has had his Hollywood’s Most Mental crown well and truly pilfered from him by Charlie Sheen. However, that could all change as Mel Gibson stumbles toward the celebsphere once more.
While Charlie Sheen gets his PR company to buff up his unhingery, making him look increasingly like he’s doing a Joaquin Phoenix style Gonzo stunt, Gibson emerges again to look like the real deal.
While he’s been hidden away with a beaver on his arm, the echoes of Those Tapes rattling around his head and his legal team, Gibson has been preparing for Stage 3 of his ‘Look At Me!’ campaign (Stage 1 was to be an actor, Stage 2 was the whole ‘Jew’ business).
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Hey! Mel Gibson! Where have you been, eh? Since you sloped off the radar, Charlie Sheen has totally stolen all of your mentalist thunder. You’re looking decidedly lame at the moment. So lame in fact, that you might actually get some work again.
BUT WAIT!
What’s this then? You’ve gone and done something batdung stupid? Don’t tell us! You were found shouting slurs while dangling from a telephone pole by the elastic of your y-fronts? No? You’ve confessed to slapping Oksana Grigorieva? Silly, silly Mel Gibson.
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Americans either have a sense of humour or, maybe, they just like the press they get from controversy (that could well explain Sarah Palin’s baffling rise in power). We say this because apparently, Ricky Gervais has been asked to host the Golden Globes again.
Of course, you’ll remember that he upset some humourless dullards with a series of jokes that made everyone else laugh.
Dry heaving while pretending to wank-off Hugh Hefner? That’s exactly the sort of thing that will see hecklerspray jumping to our collective feet for a standing ovation. Not to mention ripping celebrity Scientologists a new one.
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Like we noted yesterday, America can occasionally forget what a sense of humour is, despite the fact they’ve produced some of the most acerbic comics in history and invented the notorious advent of the comedy roast.
Yet, when on the receiving end of abuse from a British comedian, they can get a bit huffy and wounded. The great big touchy soft shits.
This has left Ricky Gervais having to defend his studs-showing stint which he delivered while hosting the Golden Globes, even though he shouldn’t have to. Gervais came armed with jokes, not guns, eh America?
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The 68th annual Golden Globes happened last night and, once again, hecklerspray‘s invite was lost in the post despite having previous when it comes to getting hold of really pure cocaine for very competitive and good prices.
Maybe we have to pretend to be Scientologists or something? Either way, we weren’t there, which means we have to rely on hearsay and reports. Please note – the former doesn’t mean we got a text from Suzanne Shaw, now starring in Emmerdale.
Anyway, apart from the winners, which no-one really cares about, the big story of the show focused on the host, Ricky Gervais who reminded us all that, sometimes, Americans don’t understand humour. Or they don’t find English people funny. One of the two.
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