Now that she’s been dumped, it looks as if Lindsay Lohan will take her chronic attention-seeking out on us.

Great. Nice one Sam Ronson. You massive turd. Anyway, since her last two goes at attention-seeking have involved booze and public scuffles with a lesbian, it’s only natural that Lindsay Lohan should want her next go at it to involve nudity. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan is close to signing up for a Las Vegas stripshow.

We’re tempted to call this Lindsay’s last-ditch punt at fame, but we’ve seen seen Georgia Rule and you can’t be allowed two last-ditch punts, surely.

Whatever you might think of her, you can’t fault Lindsay Lohan’s thought processes. Right now Lindsay Lohan is as low as she’s ever been – her new movie is going straight to cable, she’s been dumped by that mannish lesbian she was seeing and she’s currently on the front cover of a magazine bleating ‘I’M SO ALONE’ like some sort of awful self-pitying nimrod.

And that’s in addition to all the other things that are terrible in Lindsay Lohan’s life, like her fame-hungry father, her fame-hungry mother, her voice that sounds like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget after a heavy night out on the old toilet bleach and the fact that nothing she’s ever done has ever been of any worth. But does any of this get Lindsay Lohan down? No way.

Instead, Lindsay Lohan has decided to try something fresh and original. Something she’s never done before. You know, apart from that time a gust of wind blew up her skirt at an awards show, or that time a gust of wind blew up her skirt near the sea, or that time she got naked for a magazine, or the time she starred in a film about a stripper who worked in a strip club for a living. But, aside from those things, completely fresh and original.

That’s right, it looks as if Lindsay Lohan is about to join a Las Vegas stripshow. But a classy one, you understand. Peepshow, it’s called. Mel B’s in it. You know, the classy Spice Girl. People reports:

Lohan was in Las Vegas Saturday taking in the performance that stars Melanie Brown and Kelly Monaco. If Lohan were to join the show, she would take over for Monaco in a role that requires Monaco to strip down to almost nothing – something that won’t change if Lohan starred. “When the character strips she does it because she has learned to be strong by the other character/dancers in the show.” Peepshow’s director Jerry Mitchell told PEOPLE.

Now you see, that’s vital. Despite her recent troubles, Lindsay Lohan is still a serious actress, and she’ll only get naked if the part absolutely demands it. And, luckily for her, the only recognisable human facet that her Peepshow character has is the desire to be naked as often as possible, probably because her movie and music career have gone down the toilet. What a fortunate coincidence.

Still though, Mel B and Lindsay Lohan writing around in various states of undress. That’s sexy. No, no wait. We’re confusing ’sexy’ with ‘nightmarish’ again. Sorry.

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Eddie Murphy married his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds yesterday on a private island in French Polynesia, simultaneously putting all his past relationship woes behind him. And isn't getting married on New Year's Day the perfect way to start a year? It's like Eddie Murphy is looking Tracey Edmonds in the eye and telling her "This is how it'll be for us all year, or at least until I get you pregnant, deny getting you pregnant, leave you for another woman, repeatedly dodge your requests for a DNA test until I'm ordered to take one by a court and then do the voice of a funny donkey for a tired cartoon sequel to pay off all my child support bills. So about three weeks, then."

Women are desperately complicated creatures, so hats off to Eddie Murphy for figuring them out so flawlessly. If you want a woman to like you, Eddie Murphy has reasoned, you don't need to bother with flowers or chocolates or compliments or any of that crap – all you need is a willingness to get matching tattoos and sperm so potent that it dissolves metal.

It certainly worked for Eddie Murphy as far as Mel B was concerned, and the pair of them would have absolutely got married if Eddie hadn't blown it all by splitting up with her on Dutch TV and claiming that the baby wasn't his. We've heard that women view this kind of behaviour on the same kind of level as when you don't empty the kitchen bin for them, and as such Eddie Murphy and Mel B were over as soon as they began.

However, this left an opening for film producer Tracey Edmonds, who saw the way that Eddie Murphy knocked Mel B up, dumped her, tried wriggling out of taking a paternity test several times and eventually grudgingly admitted that he was the father of the baby and thought "I want a bit of that!" Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds got engaged and yesterday they got married – a turnaround so fast that Eddie didn't even have the chance to even slightly knock her up first, let alone get tattoos or accuse her of being a slag on European television. Reuters reports:

Comedian Eddie Murphy married film producer Tracey Edmonds on a private island in French Polynesia on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The sunset ceremony, attended by 25 guests, took place off Bora Bora, a Pacific island about 140 miles northwest of Tahiti, People said, citing the couple's representatives.

Of course, it'd be churlish of us not to wish Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds a long, happy, uncomplicated marriage. They're both grown-ups and know exactly what they're getting themselves into, and we don't don't doubt that they'll be completely perfect for one another for as many days as this marriage lasts. 

The only thing that does concern us, though, is that Tracey Edmonds might get herself involved in a horrible game of one-upmanship with Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte to see who's the most unsuitable film producer partner for their respective spouses. Because, you know, how do you top killing a duck with a brick?

Read more:

Eddie Murphy marries in French Polynesia: report - Reuters 

Actually that's not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?

Individually the Spice Girls have all tried to crack America in different ways. Victoria Beckham was given her own TV show, while Geri Halliwell was allowed ten seconds on a Sex And The City episode to prove why she is the worst actress that has ever been. Meanwhile Sporty Spice and Emma Bunton, well, we hear one of them went to the Epcot Centre once. That counts.

But it's Scary Spice Mel B who's made the biggest impression on America as a solo star thanks to her wonderful triple-threat ability to let Eddie Murphy knock her up, get married to a man who knocks people about and not get knocked out of a televised dancing competition when she really should be practising for the imminent Spice Girls comeback tour.

Because while the other Spice Girls have been busy preparing for their reunion by affiliating themselves with bra shops, appearing in adverts for supermarkets while being clearly unable to talk properly and releasing woefully unsuccessful comeback charity singles, Mel B has been appearing on Dancing With The Stars, the American Strictly Come Dancing.

And doing fairly well at it, too, because last night saw the Dancing With The Stars final take place, with three remaining dancers scrapping it out for the crown. Mel B faced off against the mighty Helio Castroneves, who we don't know, and Marie Osmond, who we only know because she might have tried to kill herself once and her son's in rehab and her daughters are famous MySpace slags. And because she fell over once.

However, after Marie Osmond was booted early on during Dancing With The Stars, it was a one-on-one tussle between Mel B and this Helio chap to see who could waggle themselves around in a sparkly skin-tight costume the most convincingly. And Mel B only had success in her sights, as she said early on in the show:

"To be embraced by America, would be… I would actually be speechless. Me and Maks have come so far. We are not prepared to throw it all away. We have to win it for all those people that have been voting for us. I've had so much fun, everyone's so cool here. It's been an amazing journey. Coming in second or third is not an option for me. I like to start something and finish it right on top."

But although coming second might not have been an option for Mel B, it's what happened. Helio Castroneves either danced better or had a bigger fanbase than Mel B, because he ultimately emerged as the Dancing With The Stars champion, even though we still don't especially know who he is.

Mel B has never been one to dwell on bad news, though – as proved by her ridiculous addiction to ill-advised shotgun marriages – and we're sure she'll soon see the positives in her Dancing With The Stars silver medal. For instance, Mel B can now hold her head up high and say that she's officially a better dancer than an Osmond, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman and that old singing man with the dodgy ticker. Mighty praise indeed.

Plus if could mean that Mel B gets even a fractionally larger cheer than Geri Halliwell when she steps out on stage with the Spice Girls in Vancouver on Sunday. And we sort of get the impression that Mel B would have kicked a puppy to death onstage if it meant people liked her more than Geri.

Read more:

Spice Girl Mel B Loses Dancing With The Stars – Telegraph