Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Mel B is quite obviously nuts. She had sex with Eddie Murphy and didn’t think it was weird at all. He was probably dressed like Mama Klump at the time. Since then, she’s look rather dead in the eyes. So is this a story to say she’s sorted herself out?
Christ no.
Mel B now wants to sleep in a cot. You heard. She wants a giant cot to sleep in, like she’s some kind of farting baby.
Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind.
Eddie Murphy is dating Toni Braxton.
Yeah.
Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.
Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.
Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
Have you seen how outrageously great Eddie Murphy was back in his SNL days? Think about those fantastic films he made way back when! Beverley Hills Cop(s), Trading Places, Coming To America, 48hrs… not to mention stand-up films like Raw.
He was untouchable for a while. And then he went rubbish. Really, really dreadful.
In fact, it all started going wrong in the ’90s with dreck like The Nutty Professor, Shrek, Dr Dolittle and anything that enabled him to play all the characters at once. So what went wrong? It seems he stopped drinking, that’s what.
Clearly, the United Kingdom has learned no lessons from Eurovision. We won’t ever win because people ‘vote’ enough for us through the year, buying our many exported pop acts. Eurovision is a chance for these countries to show rightful contempt for us and, of course, celebrate their own.
Instead of playing a sob story like we endure on the likes of The X Factor and the like, we have started sending known acts in the misguided hope that they’ll pick up votes. Blue deservedly bombed thanks to being one of the most odious collections of men since Mugabe put a 5-a-side team together.
And next year, it looks like we’re set to send more pampered divs to the slaughterhouse as it appears that the Spice Girls will be going to Eurovision in 2012.
This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.
No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.
And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.
When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.
At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.
And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!
Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.
There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.
Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.
Now that she’s been dumped, it looks as if Lindsay Lohan will take her chronic attention-seeking out on us.
Great. Nice one Sam Ronson. You massive turd. Anyway, since her last two goes at attention-seeking have involved booze and public scuffles with a lesbian, it’s only natural that Lindsay Lohan should want her next go at it to involve nudity. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan is close to signing up for a Las Vegas stripshow.
We’re tempted to call this Lindsay’s last-ditch punt at fame, but we’ve seen seen Georgia Rule and you can’t be allowed two last-ditch punts, surely.
10 – And here’s a visual presentation we’re entitling ‘Lack Of Self-Awareness’…
9 – ‘The Internet Made Me A Monster’ writes a monster – Kontraband
8 – And lo, the 15 worst album covers were put on the internet for some people to look at – Cracked
7 – The reason we don’t use Captchas on hecklerspray – Flickr
6 – A girl we think is pretty is going to star in a film we assume will be rubbish – BuddyTV
5 – Mel B decides she hasn’t turned enough stomachs in her life – Holy Moly
