First American Idol ditched Alexis Grace, now Megan Joy – thank God there’s no contestant called Barry Innocence.

Because if there was, he’d be a marked man. Last night Megan Joy became the latest contestant to be eliminated from American Idol. Why? Was it because she refused to conform to the reality TV stereotype? Was it because the American Idol judges couldn’t handle her profound level of truth?

No, it’s because two nights ago Megan Joy did her very best impression of a wounded lamb at an off-key, Rohypnol-informed Bob Marley karaoke party, and it was worse than death. Simple, really.

Although many of the other American Idol contestants have been more effective at grabbing the headlines – either because a) they’ve got a dead wife or b) because they like to interpret Johnny Cash songs by making orgasmy noises to the sound of snake charmer music or c) because their blindness allows the wardrobe department to cruelly toy with their appearance against their knowledge like some sort of malevolent God figures – Megan Joy was always the most controversial American Idol act of the year.

This was partly down to the fact that Megan couldn’t decide if her name was Megan Joy, Megan Corkrey, Megan Joy Corkrey or – in a rash move probably designed to up her chances with the American Idol judges – Celine Dion. It was also partly because, if you do a Google Image search for ‘Megan Joy’ with SafeSearch turned off, the first result is a still from a porno movie that apparently goes by the name of Ass Masterpiece.

But mainly it was because Megan Joy had the kind of singing voice that made you want to kill yourself – an off-kilter caterwaul that made her sound like a toddler crying for help from the top of a vibrating platform or, at the very least, Amy Winehouse going through an impossibly debilitating stroke. Really, Megan Joy was hopeless. We can’t overstate that enough.

Not that it matters any more, though, because last night Megan Joy got the heave-ho from American Idol, as Reuters reports:

“This is your swan song, enjoy it,” Cowell, who had called the performance boring, indulgent and monotonous, told Joy. He added they did not even need to hear her sing once more before deciding whether to keep her. Joy seemed consigned to her fate, saying “It’s OK” after host Ryan Seacrest revealed her fate. Smiling, even cheerful, she added, “Judges, I love you, America I love you, and baby, I’m coming home.”

You see, America? Even though the vast majority of you can’t stand her, Megan Joy still loves you. And it’s this unbeatable spirit that’s going to make Megan Joy a superstar in the Utah canned meat processing factory that she’ll probably end up working in before too long.

We wish you all the best, Megan Joy. But only if you promise to shh.

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Tonight, the top 13 American Idol contestants take part in the first of this year’s soul-destroying live finals.

So, you know, hooray for that. The American Idol finalists are gently being eased into the competition, because tonight is Michael Jackson night and therefore all they need to do to impress the judges is squeak a lot and, if possible, turn into either a giant plasticine rabbit or quite a nice car.

However, there’s just one thing wrong here – we don’t actually know who any of the top 13 American Idol contestants actually are. So we suppose we should bloody find out, then…

American Idol Contestant 1 - Anoop Desai. FACT: Anoop made it into the American Idol finals via the Wild Card round. As we all know, this means that Anoop Desai is terrible and won’t win.

American Idol Contestant 2 - Adam Lambert. FACT: If you crept into Pete Wentz‘s bedroom at night and attacked his testicles with a Ped Egg, the resulting audio-visual spectacle would be exactly the same as when Adam Lambert sings.

American Idol Contestant 3 – Allison Iraheta. FACT: Allison Iraheta was originally going to be called ‘Alison Irata’ but the woman who filled in her birth certificate was both dyslexic and spiteful.

American Idol Contestant 4 – Megan Joy. FACT: Megan Joy’s extensive tattoos are there to disguise the fact that her arms are covered in nipples. BONUS FACT: Never type ‘Megan Joy’ into Google Images without having Safesearch on first.

American Idol Contestant 5 – Kris Allen. FACT: Kris Allen couldn’t be any blander if he was made from nothing but wet dust.

American Idol Contestant 6 – Alexis Grace. FACT: If the redhead from Mythbusters wore a hat and was generally unbearable to be around, she’d often be mistaken for Alexis Grace’s twin sister.

American Idol Contestant 7 – Jorge Nuñez. FACT: Jorge Nuñez’s monobrow is evil, and constantly tries to make him defraud the gentry.

American Idol Contestant 8 – Matt Giraud. FACT: When Matt Giraud sings, he pulls the exact same face that girls do when you fart and hold their heads under the duvet.

American Idol Contestant 9 – Lil Rounds. FACT: Lil Rounds is the sister of Lil Kim, cousin of Lil Bow Wow and great aunt of sickly carbonated tropical drink Lilt.

American Idol Contestant 10 – Scott MacIntrye. FACT: Scott MacIntyre has got shit hair and the demeanour of a vicious murderer.

American Idol Contestant 11 – Michael Sarvner. FACT: Michael Sarvner is both ginger and fat. This means he’ll get the American Idol disabled pity vote even more than the blind bloke.

American Idol Contestant 12 - Jasmine Murray. FACT: Jasmine Murray’s favourite colour is either blue or yellow, we’d imagine. Or orange. We don’t know.

American Idol Contestant 13 - Danny Gokey. FACT: Danny Gokey is the one who’ll win American Idol because his wife died.

There. Don’t forget to print this story off before tonight’s American Idol. It won’t help you in the slightest, but at least you’ll be able to either suffocate yourself with it or papercut your ears off if anyone attempts to sing Earth Song.

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